The Best is Yet to Come

Well, I think it might be safe to say that this has been the worst winter break I have ever had. It could have been worse probably, but it sure wasn't good. Lots of bad news, lots of crying, lots of adjusting. And now, the stomach flu. YAY!!! But, hey, it happens I guess. It's a fitting end to this year, really. And now, this year is almost over. I just feel bad for my mother. Having to take care of my dad, having to take care of me, and even having to catch me to keep me from cracking my head open when I passed out. Basically, my mom is a saint and a boss. Go mom : )

I don't have much strength or energy to do my typical countdown from my year, but we're going to try anyway.

January:
-Started out the year hearing about the "officialness" of my two dear friends, Marissa and Wesley's relationship and danced around my house.
-Took CORE300 for J Term with Brit and Bean. It was lots of hard work, but I really did enjoy the class and think it's probably one of the most beneficial classes I've taken at this school.
-B and I found many great ways to get our homework done :)
-My Rogers left after two of the most intense hockey games I have ever played in. But I kinda played like a boss.

February:
-Basically have no recollection of February. uhh....
-Oh. Went to that kids conference at Lael with Liv, Wes, CB, and Ris. Got called "The Dum" and did my first somersault
-Liked a boy, which didn't work out so well
-Got hooked on the Bachelor (cower in shame)
-Started the worst social work class I've ever taken. Ewwww Practice with Individuals and Families

March:
-Sucky March Madness. Aside from Emily, I had the worst bracket in our bracket pool. After I studied for it. Gr..
-Spring Break started, and it started with a very enjoyable girls day with Liv, Stace, and Ris
-Turned 21 :) halfway to 42, lol. And had a bday party with Liv, Kacie, and JD
-Played one game of intramural basketball, where Jessica Clarke, shot a three pointer on me and sent it into overtime to win it, despite the fact that I have never seen her make a 3 pointer in her life.
-Had a really great bday party at Olive Garden with my besties from Delta 2
-Got my ears pierced. What? Yeah, that's right.

April:
-Discovered the carmel macchiato, my new fav, even though I still don't really know how to spell that
-Went and took pics with Bowman and B at the park
-Was probably one of the hardest academic months of my life, and difficult for other reasons too
-Barrack Obama released his birth certificate..... lol

May:
-Livia's Grandmother passed away for reasons I will never understand. She was a saint
-Worst exam week ever. Two straight all nighters. Came home and fell asleep for a lot of hours straight and woke up with my body wondering whether or not I was in a coma.
-Finished my hardest academic year ever. Mastered the art of the all-nighter. Also finished the 17-credit semester from hell
-Was voted intramural player of the year :)
-Had the scariest doctors appointment of my life
-Got my iPhone :)
-Recorded my new cd at Dan's with Wes :)
-Gathered my CHC music equipment in hilarious conditions

June:
-Camp. Didn't get sick. Had an awesome staff.
-And a pretty awesome summer
-Met Otto, an incredible piece of my summer
-Went off the zipline. What? Yeah. That's right.
-Hid in a trashcan with a shark helmet
-Found out I didn't have cancer

July:
-Experienced the most incredible spiritual breakthrough of my life, still praying I will never recover from that day
-Went off the blob. What? Yeah. That's right. The blob. First time after my third year of being a lifeguard :) And Courtney launched me
-B assisted me for a week at camp. "So Kels.... you're camp.... kinda weird..."
-Actually had a relatively decent 4th of July
-Kacie and JD's team won the Gaga tournament, and I actually played in all of the tournaments this year :)
-Redid the boy's camp dance.

August:
-Did a circus act with Livia :)
-Had an awesome internship
-Worked with Eve's Angels
-Worked with and was astounded by Nepali/Burmese refugees
-Revamped a couple closets
-Olivia had surgery. It was entertaining
-Kathy found out about her biological parents

September:
-Started my senior year. Of college. Weird.
-Moved into an apartment. Weird.
-Started playing tennis
-Saw Lion King in 3D. With Megan DeVries. We both cried
-Dropped Hughey's glasses in the toilet before Rock Climbing class accidentally

October:
-Watched my tigers in the playoffs for the first time. And watched them beat the Yank's at Yankee stadium. So fun. Lost to the Rangers, but hey, it was still fun to watch :)
-Pretty tough, learning month
-Really bonded with my social work class
-Strengthened a friendship with a dear friend from high school
-Went to ONU to visit Stacey Lou with Liv and Ris and had a grand ole team, even with the slave labor that made my knuckles hurt and heard Livia whine "I want a donut," quite a lot.
-B's dog had puppies
-Finished Rock Climbing class like a boss
-Ran around campus in a Darth Vadar costume
-Was homeless for a day and briefly contemplated a lifestyle of crime
-Won my first ever intramural soccer championship

November:
-Got bangs
-Had my first ever, full band gig at SAU. And it went pretty well
-Won an intramural football championship. Super fun
-Visited my bro-in-laws work
-Bowman became Kozma. And I got a flower :)
-Had an interesting Thanksgiving break

December:
-Experienced the worst first 24 hours of winter I've ever had
-Discovered slutty brownies
-Watched the most heart-breaking Michigan State football game. Yes, I know it's pathetic that it's something that makes my year memories. But it does.
-Got my internship at Big Brothers Big Sisters in Jackson
-Attended Hanging of the Greens for the first time
-Made Grandma's rolls with my cousins
-Finished night classes in my undergrad career
-Started playing Sims. Oh dear.
-Had a crappy Christmas break, haha

Cool New People:
-Lauren, Scooter, Amanda, Rachel, Katie, David, Katy Black, Lizzi, Bri, Joanna, Nepali refugees, my cabin from Recco's week, probably more but I'm tired of racking my brain

And now.... for my top 10 facebook statuses :)

10. Sometimes, I sing "Eye of the Tiger" to myself while taking tests to give myself positive motivation.
9. Many an attractive male has been ruined by gross facial hair.
8. Talking about Guatemala:
Olivia: are you going to have Skype?
Kelsey: no, I'm not bringing my laptop.
Olivia: Well how am I supposed to communicate with you if I can't text you?
Kelsey: Email.
Olivia. Oh my gosh! That's like the 1990's!
7. on my way to Covenant Hills. That's where I wanna be :)
6. I guess I was voted Intramural Player of the Year! Yay! Haha.
5. Oh how cute. The couple next to me in class has one left-handed and one right-handed member, so they can hold hands and still take notes. BLEH!!!!
4. Never knew how much coordination it takes to sneeze while running on a treadmill.
3. Internship? Check :)
2. I am a real woman now. I have a crock pot, a George Foreman grill, a waffle maker, and an ottoman. Hear me roar.
1. had the most majestic awakening this morning. My alarm clock, which randomly chooses songs from iTunes to wake me up, chose "Circle of Life" from Lion King this morning. So I woke up to "NAAAAAAAAAAZABINYA!!!! Hababichi baba!!" I felt like a dignified, invincible, fearless lioness. Then I hit the snooze.


Well.... that's all folks!

Here's hoping that I have the strength to leave for Guatemala tomorrow night. And that 2012 is better than 2011. Lots of big things are around the corner.

Shoot, son

B's gonna kill me, or at least roll her eyes at me, But...

So yeah..... life..... kinda weird. 

Here is a day in my life:

This morning, my sister found out her dog has cancer and probably has 2 to 12 months to live. This afternoon, my mother found out her best friend had a heart attack. Tonight, I watched my favorite high school English teacher give my favorite Michigan State basketball player a high five in person at the Breslin Center. And then I came home and found out that a guy from my graduating class, who I was pretty sure was gay, is engaged to a girl from my graduating class, who I was almost positive was a lesbian.

You really just never know what is going to happen when you wake up every day.

Last we talked, which was a long dang time ago, life was feeling pretty open ended. I've figured a couple things out. Next semester, I will be interning at Big Brothers Big Sisters in Jackson. So that's cool. I have almost completed applications to MSU, UofM and EMU for grad school. And other than that, life is still open ended. The second half of the semester was better than the first for me though in most ways. Still learning something every day.

In 8 days, holy cow, 8 days, I leave for Guatemala. Sooo there's that...

Well I'm off to read Harry Potter, and then maybe watch a movie. Who knows.

Manna is a helluva drug

So this week was pretty crazy busy. But I survived. Enjoyed a couch and football/movie Saturday. It was what I needed. Had some good time with Bean. Had a good chat with Lauren today. Michigan State won, which was super exciting, but that's about all I have to say for my teams this weekend. Contemplating taking a nap right now cuz there's not much better to do.

Life is just kinda weird these days. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at. I'm feeling pretty ready to graduate, pretty ready to get out of here. I didn't foresee feeling that at all really. It's also weird because I don't know what next anything looks like. I don't know how next semester is going to be. I don't know what next summer is going to be. I don't know what next year is going to be. This is the most open-ended my life has ever been. It's freeing but paralyzing at the same time. I'm trying to find my place here again. I thought I would have known it by now but I don't. At the same time, I'm also getting ready to be displaced here. It's almost a little Limbo-ish feeling. Not really a fan? But still not miserable? I dunno. I just don't know.

Grow a pair! And chill out!

I don't know if this is like a Christian campus thing, or what, but I am SICK TO DEATH of the guys on this campus right now! Well maybe not sick to death but.... actually no. It's completely true. I am just so frustrated!

Let me lay out this scenario that has been repeated over and over again in my life recently:

I have an acquaintance who happens to be of the male gender. I see him in chapel. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him walking through the plaza. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him in the student center. He waves and smiles and says hi. Perhaps we even share some small talk a time or two on common commutes between Point A and Point B. These are mutual waves, smiles, greetings, and small talks, meaning they are not just driven and instigated and initiated by me. So I think, "This guy seems nice, and we say hi all the time. We should probably be friends past waving, smiling, and greeting." So I drop a little facebook wall post, or perhaps even a text of "Hey, we should hang out sometime." ........silence.......... and the waves, smiles, and greetings continue, but no friendship past acquaintance ever forms.

For the love of St. Patrick, I just want guy friends. I've never really had many guy friends, and I would like a little more balance of testosterone and estrogen in my life. I don't want to jump into a marriage. I don't want a ring by spring. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship. I don't even want to jump into a non-serious dating relationship! I just want guy friends! Friends. FRIENDSHIP!!!! But when I say "let's hang out," they hear "I already have the wedding planned and an order in for business cards with my first name and your last name on them. Our children will be beautiful, hope you don't mind I named them all already. Don't worry, one is named after your father whose name I found by creeping on your facebook wall." And then they don't respond!!!!! I thought guys got frustrated because girls always have hidden messages in what they say and get mad when guys don't read into them. This has no hidden message. I want to hang out. Pure. Simple. Innocent. Genuine. Hanging out. What in the blazes am I supposed to do? What, am I supposed to write on a guys' facebook wall and say "Hey, acquaintance. Let's hang out sometime. Oh and just to clarify right off the bat, I'm not interested in dating you." If so, that is ridiculous. First of all, because lots of the guys I want to hang out with and get to know, I would not completely rule out dating them perhaps somewhere in the distant future if the friendship was strong and the time was right. Because, crazy I know, I want to be friends with quality, nice guys. Quality, nice guys, also compose potential dating material IN THE DISTANT FUTURE!!!! Even in light of that super hypothetical situation, when I want to hang out with a guy, it's not because I'm already planning on how we're going to end up together. I just want to get to know new people because I like getting to know new people. I want some guy friends who aren't my girl friends' guy friends or my girl friends' boyfriends, but just my very own guy friends. But because my motives are questioned, I don't even get that chance. The men on this campus need to buck up and chill out!

I am so tired of getting blown off and ignored. I'm tired of not even being given a chance. I mean, I know I'm not God's gift to hottness, but it's not like I'm the poster child for bag ladies either. There's no reason for a guy to run away with his tail between his legs when I pursue a friendship with them, even if they believe there is some small chance I may be interested in them. I just want a chance. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong : (

Well that's enough whining about men for now. But for real. Any enlightenment at all... let me know.

It's blog time

So... haven't blogged in almost a month. Nbd. How has my battle gone since that last blog? Ehhhh....... Not great. Could be worse. Could definitely be better. Satan's still a' been attacking, and God's still a' been a' teachin.' And I've still a' been throwing tantrums and "I don't get it's," (I do not know how to properly punctuate that there chunk of sentence) and trying to figure my way through the ebbs so I'm better at going with the flow. But a weekend home with a little Livia time and a little sisters and niece and nephew time, and some good Momma time was just what the docta ordered.

I'm not sure why I'm talking (typing?) so weird. I just watched this funny dude named Brad do drum covers and he made me a little spicy sassy weird. I don't really know what that means. But I will totally take spicy sassy weird right now. (youtube AdventureDrums if you're curious. I freakin want ninja turtle drums).

This last week... was a week. But all is good. Perspective is rearranging. Working some things out in my strong-headed noggin. It's all. Gonna be. Okay. This. Right here. Is my. Swag. (Seriously. About that spicy sassy weird thing....) But yeah. Gonna step up my game. Gonna cope like I always do. I got this. I GOT THIS!!!

Last night I went to a wedding. It was interesting. I guess I didn't really go to a wedding. It was an "intimate ceremony" so not many were invited. I think they got married naked or something. But we were invited and went to the reception, and it was alright. A little awkward? But whatever. Then Liv and I came back to Lansing and watched The Office and made it through roughly 4 minutes of Up. This morning, Liv went home and I went to my niece and nephew's last flag football game with my parents and sisters. They won. We went to my sister's house for a bit and watched some football and I played a little street hockey with the neighborhood kids. They told me that I looked more like an 18-year-old than a 21-year-old. Figures. Then I came home and the Big 10 played with my heart. Both Northwestern and Ohio looked good and I was hoping for some recently inflated UofM egos to be readjusted, and for the Huskers to get a nice 0-2 welcome to the Big 10, but alas, no luck. Comebacks are overrated, unless they're for my teams, like the Lions for instance. Then they're awesome. And now the Tigers are playing with my heart like the rain is playing with Arlington. But that's how it goes. I did not realize until this year how stinking intense baseball is! Gah! Talk about high blood pressure!

This game, that Oliver so kindly informed me was back on like my oxymoronic "smart" phone was SUPPOSED to do, is messing with my plans a little too. I was gonna watch a movie, listen to a riverview sermon, and call it a day. But now I gotta watch this game! Ay ya... I'm not feeling hopeful. But I will watch anyway. And that's enough for this blog. 

BYEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (said like 4:23 in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75qsb_JQgA&feature=channel_video_title)

Be gone from me, Satan!

Jesus, you know these demons that I bear. You see how they snarl at every turn I make. And you see how I cringe and bury and hide. Oh how I want them gone! I want that lying voice in the back of my head that shrilly whispers "They don't want you," or "It won't take much for them to forget you," or "They wouldn't even notice or be affected if you weren't here," "You think people like you, but they don't," or "You're gonna end up alone," to be gone. I want it out. I want it silenced. I want it dead. I want those voices that say "Kelsey, you are so stupid for feeling this way," and "Kelsey, you pathetic loser, this is why people leave you, no one else gets hurt by this kind of stuff, only you" and "You just can't be who you want to be at all, can you?" gone too. You demons! Go to hell! Torment me and weaken me and follow me no longer! I am sick of you. I am sick of the ache and the anxiety that you have relentlessly weighted on my chest.

They have followed me for years, but I have not recognized them as the demons that they are until this past year really. It makes sense that I would have a fear of people leaving me, forgetting me, or finding better than me, and a fear in feeling any security that someone is truly interested in my friendship continuing throughout a lifetime. Many experiences have taught me to fear these things. And past occurrences, particularly past painful experiences, become a part of your fears that want to haunt all present and future happenings. But I desire to digest these fears that my enemy has fed me no longer. They are lies, and I serve and have been saved by the God of truth.

Things are changing. I have been told that I do not handle change well. That is also a lie. I handle change healthily like every person should: with struggling adjustment. But I have realized tonight that I want things to return back to something they will never return to. It's a hard reality. But it is better that I should realize reality rather than fight for something that will never happen. Things look different than they did last year. Relationships have developed from where they were last year. And this next year marks my final turn of pages in the chapter of Spring Arbor University in my life. One year from now, I will not be in a dorm building (apartment building, whatever) with people. I will either be in my sister's basement, in my house, in Grand Rapids with Liv and Marissa, or somewhere that I have not even been able to imagine as a possibility yet. In all of these options, the number of people within my immediate reach is drastically reduced. And that scares me. And many of my friends have found or are finding someone who they can spend time with who will safeguard them from being alone. This also scares me, partially because I am unsure that I have one myself, and also simply because in my mind, that automatically means that my friends have someone they can replace me with and will no longer need me or notice any kind of absence when I'm gone. But I'll still need them. I miss people deeply. I have visions of me sitting in a basement, missing people to death who don't even remember that I'm gone anymore. After all, people have moved on from me quickly in the past right? What will keep them from doing it again? And even further down the road, I am very afraid of being absolutely alone because I anticipate surviving my immediate family by many more years than most others.

So these are the demons I face. And they have plagued me since I was a young 4th grader who saw that the only time her family fought was the same time that someone who meant a lot to her left forever. They've plagued me since I was the 16-year-old girl who cried herself to sleep on the couch for a few weeks because a 16-year-old boy lied and said there wasn't anyone else. They've plagued me when these circumstances have repeated themselves. And they've been plaguing me in every situation that has an opportunity to have the same results. School. Camp. Family. Closest friends. Anywhere. They cause me to go in a shell that's not easy to get out of. A shell that requires knocking and prodding. A shell that pushes others who could hurt me away. A shell that makes me someone I don't want to be. A shell that I do not want to wear anymore.

Enough is enough. Yes, I've been hurt. But I have not been created to hold onto the chains of  scars that my enemy gives me to carry with me everywhere I go. It is for freedom that I have been saved. I am not unwanted. I am not unloved. I am not garbage that deserves to be left behind. I am not a photograph that will be discarded and then turn up in an old attic someday. These things are true. I am not unforgettable. This is also true. Most people at Spring Arbor will probably forget me at some point. I'd like to hold onto as many as I can for as long as I can. Truly, I would, and I will if they let me and also hold on too. But people adjust, as they should. And they will adjust to life without me. This does not mean that I am incapable of having lasting significance. That is probably the biggest lie I battle.

I can read too far into things because of my demons. I am also more sensitive to shifts that really are happening because of my demons. But the fact of the matter is is that God has plans for me. Big plans. Significant plans.  Plans to prosper. My definition of prosperous is different from His. But regardless, His plans are to mold me into the best person that I can be for His glory and to give me the best life I can in light of His mercy. But I can't do that if I am constantly wondering if people really love me like they say they do. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are going to leave me. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are figuring out how to move on from me. I can't do that if I am constantly expecting to end up alone and forgotten as some dog lady. God has plans for me. God will provide my daily bread for me, whether it's physical bread, or the physical presence of a friend. God will be there with me. I will not be alone.

This is step one of the dismantling of my demons I suppose. Honesty. This is where I'm at guys. I'm struggling with feeling significant in a lot of people's lives right now. And I usually am. Those voices are constantly going on in my head. I hear things you may not directly say or even mean at all. But today I am acknowledging that they exist, that they do not indicate that I am emotionally or mentally ill, and that they are beatable. And I'm also acknowledging that I need help. So here it goes. Project "Send Kelsey's 'Fear of Loneliness' Demons Back to Hell" is commenced. To hell, with you, you demons. I am loved and I am victorious. And some day, I will not fear that every person I love is going to find a way to leave me.

(To clarify, in this entire post, I did not refer to my demons in the context that I think I am demon possessed. I am not nor do I think I am. But I have a prowling and scheming enemy who has been trapping me for too long. And it's time I face him head on. It's time I dive deep into what makes me feel the way that I do and figure out how to rewire my brain and renew my mind so I no longer jump to those feelings. It's gonna hurt and be hard. So please be praying.)

Not for the faint of heart

As I am getting deeper into my major, I am realizing how devastating my life has the potential to be. I just read a chapter on sex trafficking. It breaks my heart every time. As it should. Yet the most I've done about it is writing a 23 page research paper on it, refrained from buying chocolate a few times, and purchased a $34 pack of merchandise that is supposed to fund education for victims or something. I have felt a possible tug on my heart to really get involved in it, but it's such a daunting task. It would mean having a broken heart every day. It could possibly mean leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country and learning a new language, eating foreign foods, being immersed in a culture completely different from my own, for years and years. And right now, I am getting nervous to spend 3 weeks in Guatemala. But it's what I would want someone else to do if I was stuck in a different world, in a different, hopeless, harrowing situation. I could help. Does that mean I should? Does that mean I will? Does that mean that's where God is calling me? One of the things that really caught me off guard was this little section:

Shortly after the operation (he's speaking of the operation where they rescued a girl named Elisabeth from a brothel that she was forced into) I was sitting at my desk when one of my staff members showed me a picture of a wall inside the tiny room where Elisabeth had been locked up at the brothel. There was something written on the wall in tiny letters, and I asked a coworker to translate it for me. It was Psalm 27:1-3. "The Lord is my light and my salvation -- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident." Elisabeth had written these words on the wall of her room, a visible reminder of her daily prayer for God to rescue her form the brothel.

(Zealous Love by Mike and Danae Yankoski) Can you imagine? Seriously, I think either my biggest fear or certainly on the list of Top 3 biggest fears in my life, is being raped. For this girl, that fear was a reality time after time, night after night. And she could still ask questions like "Why should I be afraid?" and statements such as "The Lord is my light," and "My heart will not be afraid." I feel as though if I were in that situation, I would almost find this verse to be a mockery of my life. Gah. This kind of stuff. Evil. Prevalent evil. It's so disheartening. And so frustrating. Why can't we just treat each other well? Why can't we see that wrong is wrong? Why is it so hard and complicated to make it right? These are the thoughts that I am going to bed with tonight. And these kinds of thoughts will probably be normal for me to go to bed with throughout my entire career. Joy. But truly. Someone needs to hurt and someone needs to act. *nervous gulp* Here I am Lord. Send me...

So this new format.... kinda weird....

I'm not sure I like it. This giant white box is kind of intimidating. Plus it will also trick me into thinking I haven't written that much, so I'll write more, which is NOT a trick I need to be tricked with. But whatever. There is no turning back.

So my August flew like Augusts usually do. At least I made it through this last one with a lot less grief. Quite literally. My internship was truly pretty amazing. I gained a huge respect for my church. Yeah, it's got it's hangups, but all people groups and institutions and organizations do. It takes a lot of work to make a church and it's parts run. And there are so many interesting and broken but beautiful people and groups at my church. I just love those Eve's Angels, and I was very surprised by the refugees too. When I found out that Bruce really wanted me to work with them a lot, I wasn't that thrilled, I think mostly because I was afraid. It's intimidating to work with people who you don't understand and whose culture is the complete opposite from yours. I didn't want to offend them, and I didn't think of them as a people group on my heart. But after working with them and being in their homes and seeing their lives, I really kinda fell for them. They're beautiful people, and most people are if you actually try to get to know them. I cannot imagine being 40, spending 17 years of my life in a bamboo hut in a refugee camp, and then being thrown in the middle of America, where I don't know the language or the system, where people don't want to be patient enough to understand me, and being expected to know how to live. But lots of them have maintained relatively positive outlooks. And like I said, they are real, loving people. I had my first encounter with Hinduism, including a Hindu priest who travels around the world to bless people. Accidentally interrupted one of his services. And also had my first real encounter with idols. I don't think I've ever really seen an idol. Like physical idol. And I saw an entire shrine of them. Very interesting. But anyways....

I was also able to reorganize a disaster of a household items closet for the refugees. I was able to come up with a new system that should hopefully make the incoming and outgoing of food pantry items easier. And redid the sheet that they give to all the people that come in to the church office, looking for help. It hadn't been redone since like, 2000, so I was really proud of that. Through this internship, I felt a sense of ownership, which was cool. And I have realized that we often operate from a viewpoint of "well what can this church do for me?" rather than "what can I do to help this church?" So overall, it was a positive experience, and I am kind of wishing there was such a thing as a church social worker. You would get to work with SO many different kinds of people, especially inner city churches. Idk. It was just really neat.

And now, we're getting ready to head back to SAU. For one last time. It's so weird. And it hasn't sunk in yet. It probably won't until this time next year. But this is the last time I will move in to Spring Arbor. This is my last year, my last hurrah. My last chance. I've slowly been barreling my way through all my crap in the garage. I think I'm pretty much done with my garage stuff, which is good. And I've gotten a bunch of new stuff. I am PUMPED for this year, to be honest. I really think my apartment is going to be great. I have some great roommates that I anticipate will hopefully be fairly drama free. And I finally have more space and more independence. No meal plan this year, ladies and gentleman. I have to start cooking for myself. Which I am excited/terrified about. And intramurals this year is gonna be friggen awesome. I'll miss Lauren and Scooter for sure, but I'm back with Kip and Ange and will be with Jess Clarke for the first semester and MAN it's gonna be sweet :) :) :) And I have lighter semesters, including a rock climbing class that I'm taking with Tammera. Gonna be awesome. And idk, there's just lots of good things. I'm cooking up some SAU bucket list items to ensure some adventure. In case I haven't made it clear, I am very excited.

I also want to continue my quest to be a better person. Some people may not see it, or just may choose not to see it, or just haven't been paying attention, but I'm getting better with some stuff. Some fears, to be more exact. Maybe not getting over, but facing. I got my ears pierced, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do. But I love them. Dangly earrings are so much fun! And I went off the zipline, which literally, my first words when I got to the top of the tower to learn how to set up the climbing tower were "I will never jump off this thing." And I jumped off the blob. I have tried to for three years now, and I did it this year, and really, when I got to the top of the tower, it didn't take that long. I actually like thunderstorms in some contexts now. Still working on balloons and fireworks, but I'm not a superhero. I feel somewhat proud of some of the things that I've pushed myself to do. I'm even getting a little better with confrontation. It literally still kinda makes me sick, but I can do it. I'm learning to trust that my real friends aren't going to leave me, despite the fact that some have. But anyways, as Kim, my boss says, "I'm getting betta!"

My next feat.... learning to trust guys. I want to make more guy friends this year. And being more pleasant. I've decided that I am pretty distrustful of guys, and that I hold guys accountable to a more than I hold girls. So.... I'll be working on that.... which will mean facing some demons. That won't be fun.

Well... some goals that I have for this year/my life (I found these in a notebook from when I took Core 300 for Jterm, and feel re-inspired.)

1. Be the best whatever I am that I can be
2. Live a life that preaches Christ
3. Live like I am victorious and loved because I am.
4. Be in tune and intimate with God.
5. See God everywhere in everything in all I do.

 K well I need to go. Cuz this looks a lot in the new format, meaning that it's like, a ton. SOooooo here's to a new and final year :) Expecting great things.

I'm Thinking of What Sarah Said....

Well, today was THAT day. That day that marked the one year anniversary of the hardest day of my life thus far. I'm not sure what I think of it.

I woke up, checked facebook and immediately went to all the facebook pages of my relatives to see what they had posted. Several of them had posted something. I think I started crying at that point. Then I listened to "What Sarah Said." Cried some more. Then I listened to "August Flies," and cried some more. Then I cried some more. Then I texted my mommy and she told me to come to the church so we could go out for lunch. So I got dressed, pulled myself together, and went. We went to Paneras and kind of talked about it. A headache had developed from the crying before, so I went home, got a tylenol, and then went to the church.

I finished measuring curtains (though I just now realized I haven't blogged since the end of camp. So I haven't really mentioned my internship at all, let alone measuring curtains) and then typed up a couple lists for the Refugee closet, and then went and picked Livia up. She leaves Wednesday for GVSU, so I'm trying to get some hang out time in. I didn't want to leave my Mom by herself tonight, though I think it was harder on me than her. Liv and I just kinda bummed around. We watched TV and then went to WalMart and then watched more tv and then I took her home. Rather uneventful. But still the company was a comfort.

Overall, besides the crying in the morning, the day wasn't as bad as I was fearing. That had to do with a lot of "Thinking of you today," texts and other such things. I have good friends. It really did mean so much to me. I hate asking for help, or asking people to think of me on hard days, and I didn't have to do that today. I was afraid I would, or that I would just not get any because I'd be too stubborn to tell people I was hurting or needed to be thought of. But my friends are good :) Today did bring back flashbacks to that day.... watching her heartbeat monitor to make sure it was still beating, crying a lot, seeing her smile and hearing her barely make out the word "heaven," remembering when she squinted at me real hard to see who I was and then when she recognized me, nodding her head, even pooping in the hospital, "eating" in the cafeteria (I had no appetite) singing songs with my family to usher her into heaven, those final moments, realizing she was gone, pacing and going outside to that pretty little garden thing with the bench by the parking lot to get fresh air so I didn't hyperventilate from crying so much and so hard, holding her hand....

I didn't mind being a little sad today. Like a told a few people, sadness lets me know I haven't forgotten her. I don't want to forget her. In some ways, I think a little sadness honors her. However, I did get swung back into the guilt a little too, and I don't think that honors her, or helps me any. I have regrets. I do. But there's nothing I can do to change them. I wish I had visited her more. I wish I had been a better granddaughter than dropping off my laundry and accepting her $20 bills. I wish I had called her back in July. I wish I wouldn't have assumed that I had more time. I wish I had recorded that voicemail she left me. I wish I had given her that dumb flower. I wish I could remember the last time I hugged her. But I didn't. And I can't. But she loved me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. Sometimes I can't help but think that if she had known better how much I loved her, she would have fought harder and not been so ready to go. Those are some of the thoughts that plagued me today. Those are the ones I hope don't stay long.

I reread my note that I wrote in November. It was good to read. I still miss my Grandma a lot. But she's everywhere, and it doesn't make my heart heavy to see her around me anymore. She's in the pillows I sleep with every night. She's with me wherever I go in the car that I drive that she gave to me. She'll be in my apartment with her couch and microwave and probably some dishes and stuff too. She's with me when I say "ouch ouch," exactly like she did when I stub my toe or something. I can still remember what her voice sounded like and what her laugh sounded like. I still tear up thinking about her, but like I said, it honors her. And if I can honor her better by being a little sad and missing her after she's gone than I did before she left, then I'm gonna do that.

Love you Grandma. Can't believe it's been a whole year... I'm gonna go to bed and listen to the Lullaby tape that we always watched, sitting in your lap in your rocking chair every time I spent the night at your house. Miss you...

Recco's Week

Ya know, I don't know if that's actually how you spell Recco. I feel like it could be one of those things that Kim has been spelling wrong for forever and just continues to do so. Like how she spells Water Todder. It's totally Water Totter. But anyways..

Recco's week is such a difficult thing to describe. It's rewarding and challenging and hard and the best and I don't know. It's always what brings me back. This year felt a little different though.

Brief background: Recco is a social worker from Flint who runs a program for kids in the Inner City area. A lot of them are from Foster Care situations, and lots of them are just troubled. At camp, we take as many as we can through a scholarship program, this year it was 140 (which was much more than any other group we had this summer) ranging from age 5 to 18, and do camp.

It started off awful. Kim and Angel had some bee in their bonnet, and they decided the only way to get it out was to literally scare everyone into thinking that they were going to get fired or had to come up with something to confess. That was just annoying to me. I don't like starting the most emotionally draining week with freaking everyone out, myself included. It was awful and awkward. Especially for my dear B, who volunteered to come in and get paid to help me out with music and stuff. She's gonna hate me for this, but quote of the week... *after Monday morning staff meeting after two members had just confessed to holding hands and kissing in the field* "So Kels.... your camp.... kinda weird..." I was irked because they had been letting people get away with stuff (not that they were really big things) all summer, and then all of the sudden on the last week decided to go A-wall and yell at everyone and then also destroy everyone's confidence. But it fizzled, THANK GOD, after the first couple days. Once that ended, things got a lot better. Sort of.

Because my brain works the way it does, I have to break the week up into components to describe it. So, try to stick with me...

Just overall, the week is a challenge. The kids are so easy to love, but at the same time, so difficult to deal with. The little boys especially for me. I realize that sounds really creepy. But all of the kids are just so hungry for love. Like really, there were so many times that week that I was about to fall over because so many of the boys were huggin on me. My two favorites were Devonte and Kaydin. Devonte and I go way back. He was in a cabin that I was not assigned to but helped with a lot my first year. He remembered me last year and I think was really touched that I remembered his name, so he always gave me a hug. It was the same this year too. I actually didn't even see him til Monday or Tuesday, but as soon as he saw me, he ran over and gave me a big hug. He just wanted my arm, my presence. Someone who he knew cared. And there were many times where I knew his cabin was up in chaos, and he would run over to me and just give me a hug, or scoot over quick and sit by me in chapel because I think he knew I was safe to be around. I didn't get a picture with him, and I'm really sad about that. But the last night of chapel, he gave his heart to Christ. I think. I'm not sure he fully knew what was going on. He may have. I know he did know that he wanted to stop fighting for Satan's team and start fighting for God's team. I'll just have to continue to pray that people will be put into his life who can continuously and constantly show him what that means. I know statistics aren't good for him, but I also believe in the power of prayer. And then there was Kaydin. He's 6. And a total handful. And he's cute and he knows it. But the whole week, he was calling me his future wife. He came up to me one day and said "Will you be my future wife?" and I said "Sure." then I asked him how many people he had asked that and he said "I dunno." and ran away. But every time he saw me, I would hear a "Hey future wife!" or even a "Hey there future hunny," and then he would run and jump in my arms. Little stinker even kissed me on the cheek a couple times, haha. But he is just adorable. The kids individually are adorable and fun and cute, but when there's 10 or more of them in a cabin, they get really hard to manage. But I definitely connected with way more kids during Recco's week than I did the whole rest of the summer. There were so many times when I wished there were more of me, because so many cabins needed extra help. But we did what we could with what we had, and I was proud of my staff during Recco's week.

The past two years, I've been paired with boys cabins. Both years, I think they were either upper elementary or early-middle-school aged. And I didn't connect as well with those boys, though I did learn last year that they respect you more after you beat them in a race. This year, I was paired with the middle school girls, which I wasn't thrilled about at first to be honest. It meant I had to sleep in a cabin, which I selfishly didn't really want to do, and I wasn't sure at all how I would be able to bond with the middle school girls. I think it was the best cabin I've ever been in. The first day or so, I didn't even see the girls because I was so busy, but I came in during cabin time on Monday and started to get to know them a little. They nick-named me Keke, which was fun. But I also got to share my testimony about this last year with the girls, and especially with one girl, Anna, I know it meant something. I was so humbled that God used my testimony, my crap, my pain, to help someone else. It made it all make a little more sense to me for the first time. And I got to see how God can make beauty from dust. I also played guitar almost every night for the girls, and I think they really liked that. I didn't get to talk with many of them a lot, but those girls ending up meaning so much more to me than I had ever expected, and I think they liked me too. I wish I could have been there more, especially for Stacey's sake. But the last night, they had made us a card, and they gave it to us, and it was just like the coolest thing ever to me. Normally I have to save weird things to remember campers, like a short piece of string with 4 beads on it that they gave me or something. But this was a card that had all their names written in it, and how they appreciated us and camp and everything, and for someone, a blue someone like me, it really meant a lot to me.

And now, for my favorite part of Recco's week: chapel. I wish all of you could have seen the change from Sunday night to Thursday night. I wish you call could have watched the growth. And for those of you that did, I wish you could see it again. The group was split into two: older, and younger, which makes lots of things easier. So I'll start off with the younger kids. They actually weren't too bad with chapel. Well with music anyway. From the get go, they were pretty good about participating and doing the motions songs, and at least engaging in the slower songs too. They got pretty chatty and antsy during the speaking part, but Wednesday night, Angel had them all sit down and had the counselors close their eyes, and they sang "Here I Am To Worship," by themselves. The guitar was unplugged and Liv didn't sing in the mic. It was just their voices, and it was beautiful. I recorded it on my phone and just now discovered how to get it on my iTunes. So I can listen whenever I want to. But it was truly touching hearing those voices, knowing the horrifying background stories behind many of them, singing "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you're my God." And many of the kids stood up the last night when Angel had her sort of Recco's-kids-version of an alter call. They're a tough bunch of kids, but that hunger for good is there.

The older kids chapel is just what blew me away. The first night, to say I was disheartened would be a bit of an understatement. The first night is always hard. But with motions songs, all I got was tons of people trying to talk over the music, eye rolls, and crossed arms. A few clappers. Basically no participation. And the one "slow song" I did that was more of a medium, was just talked over. The second day wasn't much better. The guys started participating, I think just to humor me, but the girls still did their whole arms crossed thing, and no one was really singing. I finally did "You Are Good," and I could actually hear them singing, but other than that, most of them were just trying to talk to each other or start stuff in the back. Around Tuesday night, I was just at a loss. It seemed to me like I was just boring them or annoying them. And I didn't want to do that. But I didn't know what to do. Any songs with motions got claps maybe, and a few motions, but mostly "I'm too cool for this" attitudes, which I understand, because these kids especially are stripped of a childhood. But anytime I did a slower song without motions, they just talked over it. It didn't seem like they really wanted to have worship, and I didn't want to shove it down their throats, but I didn't really have an option, and nothing seemed to be working. It was especially difficult because I was leading from the drums, so I felt weird trying to talk between. I was about to, when Angel came up after we had sung Never Let Go, and she basically told them not to blow off the songs, but to pay attention to the words. To think about how God hadn't let go of them in the last year. How maybe they made it through something really hard, or maybe their grades had gotten a little better. And after that spiel, they took it more seriously. I finally got to a point where I had discovered the like, 3 motions songs they hated the least, and I rotated the songs that I felt were more their kind of genre, and a few of the slower songs that had words that I really wanted them to have. Also, the speaker, John, is just an amazing man. He's not the most amazing speaker, but his amazing heart totally made up for it. Those kids needed an earnest, loving, sincere heart over a great speaker that didn't really care to get to know them better anyway.

Thursday, I knew John had big plans. He spoke at teen challenge, and he wanted to do the rock thing with them. I knew these kids had some awful big rocks to cast. So I was just lookking forward to Thursday night chapel the whole time. But Thursday through the day, Satan fought HARD. The kids were tired and grumpy, and during their group counseling session time, they came out way more stirred up and ticked than they were before. There were problems all day. Kids were fighting, there were attitude problems. I knew God wanted big things, and it was easy to me to see that Satan obviously wanted to use whatever He could to distract the kids. So I immediately began praying. I went to the boathouse before swim time, and Tiff, Tammera, Ben, B, and I think one other got in a circle and prayed together. I also texted my mom and told her to get everyone in the church office to pray too, so she did. And she also went to Eve's Angels that night and they prayed there too. It felt great knowing that my strippers were praying for my inner city kids. I truly love my life. And sure enough, even though Satan was fighting hard the whole day, chapel was different. Almost all of the kids participated in the motions songs and they were having fun, and as soon as we hit the serious songs, not only did they pay attention and transition well, but I could not hear Olivia or B's voices through the microphones because they were singing so loud and sincerely. All I could hear was the kids with the biggest burdens I've seen, singing "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God, You are higher than any other, Our God is healer, awesome in power, OUR God. OUR God," and "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" and "You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, you have saved me" and "Let Your name be lifted higher," and the most touching to me, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us." Seriously. God blew the roof off. It was the most incredible thing I have ever been able to be a part of. When we finished, I went outside, fell to my knees, and sobbed. All I could say was "Thank you, God. Thank you, God." I was expecting big, but I hadn't been expecting that. I also realized that I hadn't been on my knees, sobbing like that, since the time I had spent in September at my Grandmother's grave, shaking my fists and asking Him why He had left me there alone. It was this huge compilation of gratitude and freedom and humbleness and a realization of God's faithfulness. Seriously incredible. I wish everyone could see it, and I wish everyone who saw it could see it again. I can't wait to rent that movie in heaven. After a good cry and a call to my mother to tell her of what God had done, I went back in in time for John to dismiss the groups to go throw their rocks. They had the boys go first and the girls stay, which was genius, so I played guitar and B and I sang for the girls while they waited. And God was so obviously moving, it was incredible. The faces that I had seen trying to maintain their tough and hard image had melted. The girls who I thought would just tune God out forever were obviously touched by what was happening. They were all hugging each other, crying, singing along to the songs, praying with each other. Seriously incredible. Then they went and threw their rocks. Some girls from our cabin told Stacey that they had walked back and talked with a couple girls from some other cabins, and they all commented on how when they threw their rocks, their burdens, into the lake, they physically felt lighter. They felt a weight lift. I just stood amazed in the presence of my God in the lives of those kids who my heart beats hardest for. Out of all 3 years, this was the most visible the movement of God has ever been with those kids. I wish I could describe how beautiful it was or how much that night will forever mean in my heart.

I know those kids went right back home to hard. But I just pray that their time at Covenant Hills will give them a reference point where they can say "God spoke to me. I know He's real." I've had my own reference points at Covenant Hills Camp. Family Camp 2005 was the summer where I could point back and say "I felt God there." CHC 2009 was the reference point where I said "God made an immediate difference of victory in my life." I just pray that they won't be able to forget that night when God showed up so big. That when it gets hard, they can look back and remember. It won't fix everything. Not even close. But I pray so hard that they can hold on tightly to that reference point. And I also pray that God will put someone or something in each and every one of their lives that will remind them what they learned and will continue to teach them to grow in God's truth. That they will learn that God is not only stronger at CHC, but wherever they go, whatever they face.

So that's Recco's week. Obviously a lenghty post. And I could go on forever. But like I said, that week is my heart. It's the reason I go back for 3 years. Not only because it is difficult and because I like a challenge, but because nothing can beat seeing what it looks like when a heart that's been starved of love and truth, is filled. It's not quite as apparent with some of the other weeks. But it is when I feel most in the middle of the heat of the biggest battle that Christ is raging for broken, lost hearts. And I love seeing Satan get defeated.

Family Camp

I know this will be like, 3 posts in one day, but it is what it is..


Family Camp

It was about what I predicted? Ehh... maybe worse. Maybe better. I really can't even tell. Family Camp is always hard for me because it used to be the week that I looked forward to more than any other week out of the year, but when you work for it, it is a lot harder and a lot less fun and fulfilling. I didn't realize how nervous leading worship for the teens would make me. But things went well for the most part, and Ben did a great job at night, and Wellspring did pretty well with their stuff too. They weren't too terribly social and didn't really put forth an effort to get to know our staff very much, which was kind of frustrating. They didn't really ever leave their cabins or their own tables for meals, but whatever. I hung out with them a little after services, and that was fun. I got to see my family quite a bit. I ate lunch and dinner with them every day, and that was really nice. Liv ate with us too, along with Kacie and JD, and it was pretty great. JD conned Olivia into calling him hott. That was funny. Gotta love family.

Waterfront was crazy. There were just so many people to watch in such a small area. I thought I was gonna have to do a rescue at one point, but then the two boys finally made it to a point where they could touch. It's just crazy. Long long days at the waterfront. Not to mention it was at least 90's, mostly upper 90's all week. So "everyone and their brother and their fat pastor" was at the waterfront. It was super hot out. But we survived. My two little favorites from the past two family camps where there. Chuckie and Justin. I wasn't in Day Camp with them, so to make up for lost time, whenever they saw me lifeguarding in the chair, they would just come and stand on both sides of me, and they would just talk and follow me from shift to shift. It was adorable. Chuckie is just such a riot too. He showed off his biceps to me once. We should have trained them as AO's. They were pretty much in the rotation with me. Even though lifeguarding in the afternoons were challenging, the hardest part was when I had to report something very sad to Kim. Broke my heart. Also opened my eyes to what social work is gonna be like...

I wasn't expecting to get to play in any of the sports tourney's this year, but I ended up being able to play in all three of them, which was awesome. It was an intentional accident that I got to play volleyball. Kim gave us time to practice for the worship team's afterglow, so we ended earlier than she had assigned, so I played volleyball. The staff team got second place overall, and it was fun. Rae and I had Thursday afternoon off, so we both ended up playing in the basketball tournament. We were the only girls in the entire tournament, but we certainly held our own. Roger's is a natural, of course, and I scored in every game except the championship. We placed second in that tournament as well. Not bad for the team with the girls on it. It was more fun than we both were expecting. And we played in the Gaga tournament, which we actually kind of got dominated in. We didn't make it out of the first part of the tournament, and the only game we won/didn't get last in was the game where I was the last one in. But Family Camp Gaga is barbaric. However, Kacie and JD's team, (complete with them and 3 other kids under the age of 12) ended up winning the entire thing. It was incredible. The band afterglow was a lot of fun too. I sweat like a banshee. Sweat may or may not have dripped down my buttcrack a few times. But it was amazing how our band came together this summer.

I also went blobbing for the first time ever. Lauren wanted to go, but got scared, so she said that if she jumped, then I had to. I reluctantly agreed. She jumped, and then roughly 30 seconds of fear and debate later, I just went for it. I was very proud of myself. I'm getting better at facing fears. Courtney blobbed me, and I was expecting to leave the blob, but I wasn't expecting to be shot back up to the blob tower. That is about as high as I went though, I hear. It was terrifying. But it was fun. I screamed like a sissy girl and everyone laughed at me, but I was proud of myself. After three years, I finally did it.

Lauren, Liv, Stace and I also took a very refreshing angry Taco Bell drive. DEBAUCHERY!!!! ORGY!!!! DRUGS!!!! That's all I gotta say about that. And Liv and I also made our annual Birch Run trip. My car ended up breaking down, so we kinda got stuck there for awhile, til Rachel, Lauren, and Stacey came and we went out to eat and saw Captain America. The movie was okay. Then we stopped by Walmart for a bit and came back. I wasn't expecting to be in Birch Run literally all day, but I was.

So that was Family Camp in a nutshell I suppose. A dash of extra free time plus a dash of family plus a dash of frustration, exhaustion, and a whole ton of people. Pretty typical I'd say... and now for Recco's...

Stretching Through: Discovery 2 and Junior Specialty

The camp struggle has certainly set in these last two weeks. It doesn't help that I haven't gotten a break in between. Kim wanted to make sure that we got our full paychecks even though the second discovery wasn't a whole week long, so I got a long weekend for the 4th, but worked Discovery 2, worked the weekend, and worked straight into the next camp, and it is stretching me thin.

First the 4th weekend. I don't remember much. I know Olivia and I went with my parents to Kathy and DaJuan's overnight for the 3rd into the 4th. It was fun, but they kept talking about the future, which stressed me out. They do that a lot. It seems like whenever we go there, we have to talk about grad school and marriage and crap like that, and it stresses me out that literally one year from now I'm supposed to be in the real world figuring my life out. This wasn't exactly where I expected to be at this point. We went into Plymouth too, and that's a cute little town. Oh my goodness did we eat good too. After we got back, Liv left to go to her Grandpa's, and 2 hours later texted me and told me to come, so I did. So that was how I spent my 4th evening. We had another great meal, and we just sat on their back porch, which was peaceful and quiet and not exploding. Then when I was driving back, I took the long way, and got to see a lot of fireworks from the highway, which was awesome. I think fireworks look cool, but I hate the noise, but seeing them from the highway meant I could see them very closely, but couldn't hear anything but my own music. It was awesome, and there wasn't anyone else around to give me a hard time or for me to ruin their 4th. So it was good. I don't often (ever) have good 4ths.

The next day was Discovery. Discovery was fun cuz it's the little bitties, but it was still stressful. The first discovery, we had the entire staff, so we had plenty of people, but for this discovery, we had probably about 1/3 of the staff, so support staff especially had more work on their hands. I got pretty tired out. And it was also sad because one of the little girls was giving her counselor a hard time. She had tantrums often and was hard to get out of those tantrums modes. So they ended up sending her home. She was only 6 anyways. But it turns out that her and her older sister (who was also at camp) have been sexually abused by their dad since pretty much birth, and their dad was only taken out of the home one month ago. Heartbreaking. And I also came to the realization that as a social worker, that's gonna be my life. Stories like that. And it won't just be working with the victims. It'll be working with perpetrators too, and that's just hard. So that was pretty heavy. Friday, I lifeguarded all day. There was tons of people there, so we didn't have to do too much, but I was still tired out. Friday night, Liv and I stayed with Shayna and then Rae, Katie, and David decided to come scare us. Punks. Saturday morning, I had to do low elements with a group from Kettering. I've never ran those before, and I actually enjoyed it. I had a good group though. And then I spent the rest of the afternoon lifeguarding. I feel like that day was more stressful, but I don't remember why. Then Rae, Mariss, Liv and I went to Goodwill. Saturday night was kind of off for me too.

By Sunday, I was exhausted already, and honestly, when I woke up knowing that we had to start Junior Specialty, and I just didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to be at home. I wanted to be done. But instead, our staff was being split in half again, and a lot of the responsibility was left on me. Liv and Marissa both went with on Senior Teen Trip, so Stacey was supposed to do games and Tiffany was supposed to be waterfront director, and I was supposed to just kind of help them out. Well then, last minute, TONS of adjustments were made, and Stacey ended up as a counselor, taking out her ability to do games, and so that fell on me. So I was worship director without my singing partner/acoustic guitarist, or keyboardist, or the help I usually have to set up, I was in charge of games (coming up with and setting up and running pretty much), and still assistant waterfront director. And I was already burned out. Sunday was long and hard. Monday was LONG and HARD. (She never said that). And Tuesday morning, it was already starting out with too much for me to try and do and figure out, and so I went to my car, turned on an Underoath song, and had a temper tantrum/hysterical crying fit. I called my mom, and my wonderful mother, waking up to a daughter calling at 7:45 AM sobbing, calmed me down. At that point, Angel realized I needed help. Lauren was supposed to go on trip, but she ended up being sick and coming back for Junior Specialty, so we tag-teamed for games, which made it TONS easier. We had two people to brainstorm, and I was fine with set up and she was fine with directing them, so that worked out much better. Waterfront was still stressful, but that's gotten somewhat better. And I've been figuring worship out better too.

Since Tuesday morning, the days have been long and full, but not hard. I can handle doing lots of work, but having too much responsibility of things that aren't my strengths added on me takes me down quick. When I got sufficient help, things got much better. I have done so much in the last few days that I'm almost impressed with myself. It's almost been like finals week, where I get done, look back, and am like "Yeah. I did all that. I can probably do anything." But I will sleep well this weekend, I can tell you that.

The kids this week have been hilarious. Junior Specialty has such a different feel than Junior Explorer, despite the fact that it's the same age range. They are much more dramatic. We've had like, 5 girls go home because they faked illnesses pretty much. And mylanta, during worship, I have been concerned that the whole place was gonna go down because their motions were so enthusiastic and big. I had a hard time singing over them in a microphone, even though there's only like, 55 of them. I also watched Rachel's cabin for about 45 minutes yesterday because she needed a little extra break, and they were CRAZY!!! But they LOVE me! Whenever they see me, all 11 of them attack me and give me a hug. It's kind of nice being loved :)

Long story short, these last two weeks have required a lot of extra work, because the same amount of work is still expected even though we only have about half the staff. So I've been stretched pretty thin. But things have definitely looked up from the beginning of the week, and I'm finishing this week out feeling good about things.

Next week is Family Camp, which I normally hate, and still will to a certain extent, but this year, instead of getting stuck in Day Camp (which literally may be my least favorite part of camp) I'm with the Teens, which is AWESOME!!! I don't even have to do music in the morning cuz Wellspring will, and I get to be a part of the Teen services. Ben Markham is speaking and he's phenomenal, and I'm just excited for that. But for now, I need to go because chapel is in half an hour and I haven't picked songs yet :)

Teen Challenge

Well this past week was Teen Challenge. And it was a challenge indeed. The weather was much more cooperative. The kids were pretty great. I definitely had some favorites :) And come to find, many of my favorites were the bad kids. :)

The first couple of days, it was chillier. And of course, we had water carnival Tuesday night. It was freezing. In the water wasn't so bad, but going from event to event, or, lifeguarding from the shore, was freezing cold. I think they had fun though. Wednesday, and Thursday it was SUPER hot. Wednesday, had a lot of lifeguards, so I only had to lifeguard the last rotation, and I started on totter. As soon as I got out there, all the kids came in from it. So I laid on the kayak and fell asleep for a bit, and woke up with a nice sunburn on my legs. They proceeded to radiate for the next couple days. Now they're fine, though I have lots of fun tan lines all over after this week. For Teen Challenge, instead of cabins going to different activities together, the campers get to choose which one they want to go to, so we have a camper choice time for an hour and a half in the morning and an hour and a half in the afternoon. I was assigned to the climbing tower, and I really think it's one of the worst places to be assigned too. It's a little tedious, and the belay system we have entails pulling the rope through a pole, and it's quite painful on the hands. A combination of rope burn and holding such a tight grip for so long. Even with gloves, it's pretty painful. So Wednesday afternoon, I switched with Rae and did waterfront instead, which was a good switch, and then Thursday, there was no climbing tower in the morning, and in the afternoon, I switched with Lizzi and did Gaga :) Rae and Katie ended up at Gaga with me too, and let's just say we earned some respect :) We played everlasting, which means that when whoever gets you out gets out themselves, then you're back in. Katie, Rae and I teamed up, and we were ONE KID away from winning everlasting. But Cameron hit my foot fair and square, and so when I got out, 15 kids were back in, and then Katie got herself out, and there was just no recovery. It was a nice change up. I love Gaga. Especially with Rae and Katie :)

Overall, activities and waterfront and stuff went smoothly, but chapel was very odd this past week. Teen Challenge the last few years has been known as the week where God just really moves, and this age group is the age group that is able to go deeper and to really start to get it. They're just hungry for it. And I was SO excited for Chapel and stuff going into this week. On the way to Camp Sunday, I was listening to Romans 1-9 and my worship stuff on my iPod and I was just pumped by time I got to camp. But every time we had chapel, or had anything that was dealing with spiritual aspects of life, the kids' eyes just glazed over with apathy and distraction. We also had chapel in the DAWA the first few days because they bathroom pipes were exploding by the pavilion or something gross like that. But I pulled out everything I had as worship director. I prayed over all the cabins before I want to bed and devoted cabin devos to praying for the kids. I even spoke for a bit. I hate doing that. I sang some of the most truth-filled songs I had (that's what I feel like my calling has been as worship director, "to proclaim the truth of who God is and what He does" and also who we are and can be because of who God is) and nothing seemed to be doing anything. One of the counselors described it as "hard to watch" and that seemed a pretty accurate description. We also had gender time in Wednesday, and there continued to be a glaze. Lauren and Stacey did a great job, as did everyone who shared their testimonies. I got to play one of my songs too (Amazing Grace) but still, it was just dead. One of the chapel speakers we've had in the past said that if the kids are still asking for Romans Wednesday night, than you've lost them. And Wednesday night, that was where we were at. I was at a loss. I drove to Angel's house and asked her what to do. I was disheartened and discouraged, and fighting against the lie that it had something to do with me not being as good as Wesley. Angel didn't really have anything for me either.

Then we had Wednesday night chapel. We were back in the pavilion, and God just poured in. It was insane. A night and day difference from the chapels prior. After we left chapel Wednesday, I turned to Livia and just said... "well I'm confused." I'm not 100% sure what all was involved, but I do know that it taught me that it is not at all me that brings these kids to worship. I will be used as His tool, but it is totally up to God when He wants to move. It was incredible. And Wednesday night on, chapel was amazing. Thursday night, John (the chapel speaker) had everyone take rocks and write sins or stumbling blocks that they wanted to leave at camp on them. Then they took them and threw them into the lake. It was a pretty powerful. For both staff and kids. It was amazing to watch, and I pray so hard that those rocks truly stay at the bottom of the lake. Our God is such a good God.

I swear, I know I keep saying this, but I'll probably continue saying it every week, this staff is amazing. After hearing everyone's testimonies, we are some JACKED UP people. But God is using us all in some seriously incredible ways, and these are some really great people. I feel like I have a lot of compassionate and genuine people around me, and working with people like that, broken, but real and loving people, is just an amazing experience. I feel so privileged to be working with these people. I really just feel so blessed.

So that was Teen Challenge in a nutshell. Oh I did miss the part where I spent over an hour trying to break into Lauren's bug. Livia put her keys on her front seat, and then Lauren's car locked automatically. I failed to break in after a coat hanger, a ping pong paddle, two wrapping paper rolls, and a flattened metal rod, so Lauren had to wait a day for her keys to be UPSed to her. Also, when Livia and I went into the DAWA Friday morning, in the middle of it was dog poop. Are you kidding me? We couldn't believe it, haha. Somehow, I always manage to find poop. Oh, and I received one of the most unique hugs yet this week. During cabin watch when I was walking around, Rachel ran up to me to give me a hug, and ending up jumping on me and wrapping her legs around me. It was hilarious. We also have "our song" now. Rihanna's Umbrella. Haha I love her. I'm sure I've missed other tidbits too. But it's been a great summer so far. I love have Rae and Bean around too. It's just really my favorite :)

I'm really going to miss camp I've decided...

Junior Explorer/Senior Teen Trip 1

Well our first full week of camp is over. And what a doozy. To be honest, Junior Explorer is one of my least favorite age groups. They're usually the worst listeners and the most dramatic. We had a pretty good group this week though. It was a long week, but overall, I think it was good.

They all came on Sunday. Sunday was a whirlwind because I had to set up all of the sound equipment by myself, but I couldn't get in there early enough because Midcourse Corrections was having their graduating ceremony in the pavilion. Finallyy, they were out, so I rushed as quick as I could to get everything set up and pick songs. After the two chapels (junior explorer and teen trip)I was a little frustrated. The Junior Explorers were talking too much and the counselors weren't helping them quiet down too much, not to mention one of the SALTs started a mosh pit during one of the transitional from fast to slow songs, so I was freaking out, and the Teen trippers were all too cool for school. Sunday through Tuesday, I had to plan for 4 chapels a day. Junior Explorer improved tremendously after the first night, and chapels went wonderfully after the first night. Teen Trip still had some "too cool for school" going on, but they left Wednesday.

Monday was a LONGGGGG day. We had the normal morning activities, which was actually pretty crazy. Support staff had to completely move the inflates and that was a pain. They're still backwards, but no one seems to care except for me. After lunch, we had to lifeguard from 12:30 straight til 5. Our kids did fine, but we had Romanians after that, and that was insane. I don't know what it is about the Romanians. The fact that there's over 150 of them, or the fact that there's around a 17:1 ratio of kids to their counselors. Perhaps its the fact that they don't listen worth anything and don't have the same manners. I just don't know. Either way, when we have to do waterfront for Romanians, it is highly stressful and frustrating. And we did so for 3 hours on Monday. Not to mention their counselors don't really listen either, and one of their counselors decided to go blobbing with his glasses on, so of course, they fell off, so then they were trying to dive and look for them while their kids were complaining in line because they couldn't blob. It was great... Then after dinner we had PM Games. I was the shark when we played sardines, so I had to put on a shark helmet and find somehwere to hide. I chose the trash can. Very good hiding spot. Also very smelly. We finished out that day rather exhausted.

Tuesday was better. The morning started out rough, but after a talk with Kim and Angel, things went much better. We didn't have Romanians at waterfront til around 4, so that was nice. After dinner was another story, though. I finished Junior Explorer chapel and things went great. Then I finished the last chapel with the Teen Trip camp, and things were pretty good with them too, and then the sirens went off and Rudy told us that there was a tornado warning. Olivia and Marissa and I ran to my car and went to find our kids. The girls were running to the basement of the log church, so Liv and I grabbed our guitars and went in and played worship songs for over an hour. It really helped to distract the kids from being scared of the storm. The Romanians and Teen Trip kids ended up down there too, so it was actually kind of cool. Three separate parts were brought together by the storm. I tell you what, though, playing guitar straight for over an hour is quite taxing. My fingers were vibrating for at least half an hour afterwards, and my voice was nearly shot. Singing and playing over 150+ kids without any amplification is hard work. I was DRIPPING with sweat too. They finally brought a bus to take the girls to their cabins, and we had to go and make sure everybody was okay. So what was supposed to a be 10:00 bedtime turned into a 11:30 bedtime. God was amazing though and managed to keep all of my sound equipment dry, despite the fact that it was all right up by the walls which happen to be made out of screens.

The next few days consisted of a lot of rain and plan B's and C's. It was the worst week weather-wise I've ever experienced at CHC. We usually have one or two rainy days, but it was almost the whole week. It was torrential downpour after torrential downpour. (There was one night where we had two rainbows though!) Every time I changed my clothes, they got wet again. I gave up on being dry after awhile. I also managed to fix our pathetic docks. Well more like I assisted Kenny. I did what I could. He's just super buff. But that was a pretty killer day. Docks and cement cinderblocks are heavy. We also managed to put in the totter and Olivia became an officially official lifeguard by peeing in the lake. It took a lot of convincing, but she finally did after she laughed because Kenny flipped me off the top of the totter on accident. We also had water carnival in the rain, but this was probably my favorite water carnival ever. Half the counselors didn't show up, which was irritating, but that left some of the competitions up to be against the lifeguard teams. So we actually got to PLAY this time. And it was really fun :) And Rachel was a riot. *through clenched teeth while clenching both my arms with all her strength* "I LOVE MY JOB! I LOVE THIS CAMP SO MUCH I CAN HARDLY STAND IT!!!" It was really pretty fun. I never get to play.

Overall, it was quite the week. Good overall, I would say. The weather was frustrating, but chapels just kept getting better and better. It was so wonderful to get to lead the kids in worship and open my eyes and look around and see God's presence in the room. I don't know if I remembered to say in my staff training blog. The band has switched up a bit. Well I guess only drummers switched. Tekiele put forth a valiant effort, but drums is a big responsibility and is a pretty noticeable part of a band. He wasn't feeling confident enough to feel confident on drums while also focusing on his campers, so he decided to step down, and Otto, a 17-year-old kid who is 96% blind, stepped in. Otto is A-MAZING!!! I don't even have to practice songs with him. He picks them right up, and knows when to build and everything like that. Huge blessing. And he has a big ole' heart and the kids love him. God works in the craziest of ways.

After staff meeting, I had a doctor's appointment. I was dreading this and was not looking forward to stressing out about whether or not I had cancer again, or blood tests or biopsies while also trying to focus on my job and responsibility at camp. I took the long way home, driving slow, with less than a 1/4 tank of gas, hoping that I would arrive too late or would run out of gas. But God wanted me there. So I made it home in record timing (still doesn't make sense) with my gas gauge below empty, and went to my appt. Livia and my mom went with me. The receptionist was the grumpiest woman in all of the earth, and I sat in the waiting room with this huge aquarium complete with gross stingrays. I forgot my license, but they accepted my camp nametag as picture ID. I thought that was pretty funny. After forever, I finally got in a room, and after another forever, the doctor came in. He shook my hand, told me his name, and went straight for my throat. I was freaking out, and asking what everything was. There was lots of scary-looking stuff in there. It turned out to only be a mirror and a nostril-spreader. After roughly 45 seconds of observation, he concluded that I had a thyroglossal duct cyst, which was what I had originally thought. PRAISE GOD!!! I'll eventually have to get surgery on it, but not any time soon. It was SO good to have a real diagnosis and to not have this threat of cancer wavering over my head. Things could not have turned out better. It was much better than I had anticipated. God is good.

The rest of the weekend consisted of 2 weddings and our family directory picture, as well as sushi (with my first piece of actual raw sushi) and Riverview church with my best frand. Much better weekend than I anticipated :) And now I'm in teen challenge.

Once again, sorry for all the details. Just how I work I guess.

I'm off to set up for chapel!

Skeedily ba ba ba dolphin

And We're Off...

I have officially made it through all of staff training without getting sick for the first time ever. All two weeks. This is exciting to me. And oh what a two weeks it has been.

I made it to camp at some point on Sunday evening and me, Liv, Stacey, Marissa, and Lauren managed to scare the newb Stephanie sufficiently on the first night, including me singing and doing motions to Father Abraham in the shower. I don't know. Then we had a meeting for returners, where we all had to scale a wall together pretty much. I managed to somehow take part of my toe nail off and smear my blood on the wall. It's still there. Makes me feel hardcore.

After that, all the new people came and we started the fun process of awkward get-to-know-each-other and are-you-sure-you-know-what-your-getting-yourself-into stuff. We left for staff trip, which was just at another camp. A less nice camp, to be honest. So whatever. The first day, it was hotter than nylons. Soooo ridiculously hot. The next day was better. We went to Lake Michigan. They told us it was a 30 minute trip. 2 hours later, we arrived, and found out the the "beach" was actually all rocks. But I was grumpy and determined enough at the time to go swimming anyways. I figured if I had had to ride a bus for 2 hours, I was going to go swimming in Lake Michigan, no matter the circumstances. It was cold and rocky. But fun nonetheless. Lizzi and I had a good time being naturalists together. We then decided to go to an actual beach, which was indeed less rocky, but unfortunately kinda gross. It had a TON of dead fish on it. Gross. We went back to our camp the next day. Oh. After that, we had all the rest of training. Lost camper drill, bonding, lost swimmer drill, testimonies. OOOH! And also, I went off the zipline! It took a little convincing, but it was so fun!

Ooooh I forgot. I experienced every guitarists worst nightmare. I opened Olivia's guitar case, and there her guitar lay, the headstock completely broken off. Awful. I freaked out. Kim immediately offered to buy me a new one, and then I told her it was Liv's, and then Liv started to walk over cuz of all the commotion, and before Liv even reached the guitar, Kim was like "WE'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE!!!" before she even saw that is was broken. So on the way back from Camp B to Camp A, we, as in all 28 of us, stopped at Guitar Center to "help" Olivia pick out a guitar. I banned everyone from the acoustic room so Olivia wasn't under pressure. So she picked one, and we left. It was rather crazy.

So overall, staff training went well. I really like this year's staff. A lot of awesome people. A lot of broken people. But I really really like them. Lots of good and fun people. Possibly my favorite staff yet? I don't know. Too early to tell perhaps. But seriously a bunch of great people. And that, is staff training.

We are now in Junior Explorer....

Information pending....

Meh

I haven't posted in forever.

So long story really short...

I finished school and managed to do so without committing homicide or suicide, (do not take that too seriously) and my GPA only dropped to a 3.89. So not bad. Not bad at all. I was glad to get out this year, and also managed to move all of my stuff out of school on a half hour of sleep. If anything, this year taught me the amazing things I can do, whether I want to or not. It also taught me about real friendship and real hardship and all sorts of fun stuff like that. But in a nutshell, this year is over, and I am glad. A whole bunch of other stuff went down too, but there's no need to get into that.

The first week and a half really of summer consisted of sleep and loafing on my couch. It was nice. I slept 17 hours Friday night, 12 Saturday "night" (from 5 AM to 5 PM) and took a few naps and slept many more hours the next two days too. Like I said, it was wonderful. And then I got bored. And no one was in Lansing. And like I said, other stuff went down, but no need to get into that right now.

This past week, I was at camp for core training and worship practice, which was quite the adventure to say the least, and then spent from Thursday until today recording my CD, minus a little excursion to the lake house for Memorial Day. Got some sun and some good niece and nephew time. It was nice. And now I'm back to lounging on my couch for a bit. Tomorrow I'm not sure what I'm up to. Maybe shopping if I get bored? And Wednesday, I'm headed over to Vandercook (I REMEMBERED!) to chill with Bowman and B. Thursday I believe, I have to recert in CPR and First Aid, and then I'm getting ready to move into camp on Sunday. And then it's a whole new kind of adventure. I'll try to post every weekend. I had wished that I had last year, so I'll try to remember for this year.

Well I'm out. I'm gonna watch some Bones that Emily so kindly accidently lent to me :)

I'm Burned Out and Wasted, but All Darkness Has Some Light

I am ready to be done with school and just about everything that goes with it. And I am trying so desperately hard not to check out, but it's getting really hard. At this point, a big part of me just wants to stay at home and finish out here. I am so sick of so much stuff.

School work is hard. And I'm sick of pulling an average of one all-nighter a week. But conflict is hard too. Especially unspoken conflict. And Kelsey has a really hard time figuring out what to say or do when something is bothering her. Some of my typical supports kinda fell through today, but I found other ones that I wasn't even aware I had.

I had a great talk with Lauren Schraa today. That girl gets me. And THANK GOD for her today. Every day really. But especially today. And then I had a good talk with Melanie Bigger. That was great. And then I had a good talk with Megan Wegener as well. And also, my Momma. I'm feeling like I have a bit of a better perspective and my chest feels a little lighter.

Sometimes, I get a little too pessimistic. Even after I talked to some of these people, I was thinking about how sometimes I wish I wasn't in a "Christian" environment, because when people let me down or treat me badly, I have a tendency to want to directly correlate it with God, or use it as a way to prove to myself that God can't actually change people. At least in a secular environment, when people treat us badly, we expect it a little more, or can't bring it back to God. But when you're in a place full of people who call themselves Christians, but they still don't know how to treat people, it makes me wonder if God really can change people and make us into anything that even resembles good. However, I am now realizing that while I did have some disappointments today, I couldn't get far without finding people that did care and who were willing to listen and encourage. And a couple of them were people that I never really would have pinpointed as the people that would be there for me. So to look on the bright side of things, whenever I am starting to truly wonder if I am alone and whether or not people care about me, God provides. It's too bad I don't realize it quicker.

That's my thoughts for the day. I need a couple days away from the Arbor. So this Child Welfare Conference will be good. Then maybe I'll be able to finish out a little stronger. I'd prefer to come out a little better than I came in.

You're Showing a Lot of Leg Today, Dear

Life carries on quicker than I can keep up with. Blogging no longer seems to have that therapeutic feel to it. I'm sure it'll come back again. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a detail-oriented writer, so I want to document everything that transpires, and these days, there's too many details and too much content and not enough time. So then I don't blog. And then the next time I go to blog, I feel like I have to catch everyone up on not only what happened that day, but also what's happened since the last time I decided not to blog, and then that takes too much time so I decide against it again. It's a vicious cycle, really. Downright as ferocious as the wolf on the hipster shirt that I almost bought the other day...

Today, I will break the cycle. Today I will blog. Tomorrow is Monday. We have the day off because of Easter Break. Easter Break was a mixed bag. I'm not sure how I feel about mixed bags. I guess I, predictably so, feel mixed about them. Mixed bags aren't all good, but they're not all bad. Mixed bags are better than bad bags, but they're not as good as good bags. It could have been better. But it could have been worse. I guess you just gotta be happy for the good, and brush off the not-so good and hope it won't last. This is what we will do.

Easter itself was good. We went to Kathy's, which was good. We watched basketball all day and I got some loving from Rosco. I wish I had some deeper contributions to offer, or some witty remarks. I didn't used to think that I had to be witty. And then some people started saying they liked my wittiness and now I just have all this pressure to be witty when I was unaware that I was witty in the first place. And forced wit is not wit at all. Once again, vicious cycle. I have no wit. No words. No tears.

Well, I'm off to watch a movie. I should do homework. But I don't feel like it. I'll work on some at the church office tomorrow. Sianara.

You oughta know better...

There's so much I could say right now. There's so much I want to say. But I'll refrain. It wouldn't do any good anyway. So back in the vault it goes...

I am burned out. I am ready for this year to be over. I am tired of doing homework. I'm tired of pulling an average of one all-nighter a week. I'm tired of looking at the next week in my planner and seeing that things aren't going to be any better. I just don't have a whole lot of motivation left. 17 credits is NEVER happening again. I feel like I've worked harder this semester than any other and I don't think my GPA is going to show that. I'm tired of other things too. Oh well, I guess you do the best you can and that's all you can ask for. Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks....

Then comes camp. I am so ready for camp. I'm so ready for a change of pace. I'm ready for a different kind of tired. Camp's version of tired is a little more rewarding. I'm so ready to work with Rae (fingers crossed) and Tammera for a summer too. I'm just ready. And I am READY for next year. A lot of things are gonna be a lot better. And it's the senior year. Freshman year's fine because everything is new and exciting. Sophomore year sucks because you're not close to done and nothing is new and exciting anymore. It's just blah. And junior year is close to the end, but not close enough that you can quite taste it yet, and it's just a lot of work. But next year, I'll be a senior, and our apartment is going to be freaking awesome. Really cool people. And a kitchen. I'm just ready for it now... PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT NOW?!?

God has blessed me this week though. I'm just in a less-than great mood right now. Looking into this week, I was expecting several all-nighters. None have happened and none will I don't believe. So that's been great. And I haven't had that heavy, overwhelmed feeling plaguing my chest. Things have been getting done faster and times to work on things have opened up. For the exception of tonight. I guess I've had time to do my Research Design homework. I just have NO DESIRE to. So I'm gonna go to bed "early," (sadly, 2:30 is early) and work on it probably during class tomorrow. Sweet.

Well I'm off...

Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks....

Song of the Week: "Little Bombs" by Dashboard Confessional

You oughta know better than to bite who feeds ya...

It's Been Ages

It has been SO long since I have blogged! My goodness! Slacking to the nth power. I don't even know what I am saying. But seriously. I haven't blogged since Spring Break. Holy gee whiz! That was almost 3 whole weeks ago. Last time I wrote, I was still 20. Part of it has been that I've been SO dang busy. But part of it is that I have been working on a big blog. So. Here it goes... catch up time...

I ushered in my 21st birthday with a birthday party with my niece and nephew, consisting of playing games in the shallow end with all the elementary kids while the high schoolers had a dumb-off. There were lots of high schoolers. And it was very hard to determine the winner of said contest because they were all so dumb. I don't remember being that dumb in high school. I'm actually pretty sure I wasn't. Anyways. Also went out for ice cream. Did some homework. Joined with my best friend, played some basketball, ate some tacos and cake, and played with the kids some more. Good times. And I am super cool and turned 21 on the weekend on Spring Break two days after St. Patrick's day and never drank a drop.

Week 1 return from Spring Break: busy, loaded with homework, mixed in with a fun trip out to eat with my girls. That was a lot of fun :) especially in all the plaid. Which led into week 2 which was

Week 2: humiliating. Lots of little things happened that week. Things just weren't going my way for a lot of reasons. Good feelings don't always lead to good things. Rejection. Hurt. And just plain bad luck. But despite all the little things that went wrong, God still had daily reminders of how blessed I am despite things not going the way I would have planned them. Week 2's weekend was one of the best in awhile. I was expecting it to be a productive/somewhat boring weekend since I was the only one from my room on campus, but I had a really fun time. Friday, I hung out with Lauren and Scooter and Amanda and it was a great time. Lime Lake, climbing trees with Scooter, playing telephone pictionary and laughing my brains out, and piling 8 people into a small 8 person car and going to Steak and Shake at 2 AM. It was grand. And Saturday *drum roll please* I GOT MY EARS PIERCED!!!!! I freaked out and caused a bit of a scene, mostly just everyone in the store knowing I was nervous and had taken 2 tylenol prior to coming, but I GOT THEM DONE! I was so proud of myself, haha, and it literally did not hurt at all. It stung a little afterwards, but the initial piercing process, which is what I was most worried about, didn't hurt a bit. :) I like it too.

Week 3: so far, pretty busy. Monday and Tuesday were a touch disheartening and I realized that I am burned out with 6 fully packed weeks left, so that sucks. But then the Norwood's had a baby which took two professors out as well as two classes :) I really wanted to post something as my status, but I'm friends with my professor, so I figured it might look bad if I was like "A baby was born that killed two birds with one stone," or something along those lines.

Tonight, I took a pretty serious nap (for the second night in a row) and am now getting ready to go to bed. But there is my update!

I'll continue the picture challenge later. I'm going to bed now. Peace and blessings.

I'm thankful for His kind of loving 'cause it's simple (what does matter)

I tell you what, basically all the other Bible studies I've been to have been kind of like "Okay, I think I got something out of that..." afterwards, but one week at Eve's Angels will give you enough to chew on for a month. There was me, my mom, and one other lady from our church, and then Anny the Bible study leader, as well as Laura and Shawny who are currently in the industry, Christine, who recently got out, her daughter Tanya (3) and her sister Marissa (17), some guy they brought with them, another girl named Tasha who was filling out community service hour slips the whole time, and Anna from Calvin. The topics were kind of all over the place and there is always something going on, including a couple F bombs and other choice words. Definitely the first Bible study I've gone to where someone used the f word, haha :) But I tell you what, this stuff is real. At first, Anny was talking about some weird stuff that was kind of sketchy, but my mom kind of set her straight, and then we started talking about the end times because of Japan and stuff, and really, the conversation was all over. But Anny and my mom laid out some important truths that I am desperately praying will permeate through these girls' hearts. Mine could use it too.

Please, Please PLEASE join me in praying for these girls! Laura and Shawny I think are still struggling with the assurance that they won't end up being in hell even though they know Jesus. They were struggling with the Matthew 24 and 25 passages and seemed to be afraid that they would be one that God would cast into hell even though they expected to go to heaven (Praise God, these girls are in their Bibles and I would say know them better than probably half of Spring Arbor University students. But they need some prayer that the Holy Spirit will help them to interpret it right and not let Satan twist God's truth). Christine is in good spirits and has so much light in her, but reality is that she just quit the industry in January and is still unemployed and found out last week she is pregnant. So that's a lot to overcome. And please pray so so so hard for Marissa. You can see the weight of the world in her eyes, and she was talking tonight about how she doesn't really believe there is a heaven and hell and has been trying to give God a chance but doesn't really see Him doing anything. I have never seen hopelessness more real than tonight when I saw it in Marissa. My heart breaks for her, and she has already experienced so much that I cannot even fathom. Anny was trying to talk to her, but there is only so much talk can do and meeting physical needs can do. This girl has been robbed spiritually her whole life. She has been fed so much darkness and I just pray she will be able to see the Light of God that can show up in any and every situation. Oh, dear God, bring her Your Light!

I had so many emotions leaving tonight. You think you have things pretty well figured out, that you can answer the hard questions and can refute the doubt in your mind and that you've finally become fool proof. And then you realize your answers are only sufficient in a white-collar, middle-class, "you were born blessed" kind of a way. It's so hard to know what to say to a girl who asks "Well where was God?" when you know that you struggled with that question when your dog died and she is struggling with that question because her mom locked her in her closet and deprived her of food and sold her to men for drug money and called her a whore all her life. Sometimes we get so comfortable in our little perfect churchy worlds that we don't realize that the world is a real place that's a real mess with some seriously real pain and some real hard questions. At least I do. My darkness doesn't seem so dark when I know what these girls have been in their lives and where they go to work every night. It's hard to say "God can be light in every darkness," when their darkness seems so much thicker. I do believe my God can be light in the darkest of darkness, but it's hard to know how to get these girls to see it when I would have nightmares just after watching a movie based off of their lives. And it breaks my heart that Shawny and Laura seem to struggle with understanding that God wants to be with them for eternity. I do not come to grips with the understanding that I am a wretch. They do not come to grips with the understanding that they are a treasure. I pray the words of "Before the Throne of God Above," would become so real in their lives. Oh, that they would know that "before the throne of God above, they have a STRONG and PERFECT plea, a great High Priest whose name is Love, who ever lives and PLEADS for them. Their names are graven on His hands, their names are written on His heart. And that they would know that while in heaven He stands, no tongue can bid them thence depart." And oh, how I pray that "when Satan tempts them to despair and tells them of the guilt within, upward they will look and see Him there who made an end to all their sin. BECAUSE A SINLESS SAVIOR DIED, THEIR SINFUL SOULS ARE COUNTED FREE, FOR GOD, THE JUST, IS SATISFIED TO LOOK ON HIM AND PARDON THEM, TO LOOK ON HIM AND PARDON ME."

Anny and my mom talked about how Matthew 24 and 25 is talking about people who fall for False Prophets, but people who fall for False Prophets are those who do not know their Shepherd's voice. Anny also talked about how in the government, there are people who can pick out counterfeits easily because they have microscopically studied and know the real thing. She said that God is the same way, and we need to study and get to know God so well that when counterfeits come up, we will know right away that it's not God because we know our Shepherd's voice and we know what God and the things of God look like. She also said that things like the earthquakes in Japan remind us that life is temporary and we need to get going now and be obedient now and stop messing around. She also talked about how when we get salvation, we get the full steak dinner. But if we continue to consciously fall for sin, it doesn't mean that we get the steak dinner taken away from us, it just means that we're nibbling on a french fry when we've been promised the full steak dinner. And she wants the whole dang steak. God promises victory over sin, and when we choose not to be victorious over some area of sin in our lives, it doesn't mean that God's grace doesn't work anymore, it just means that we're short-changing the implications of our own salvation. This puts Eve's Angels into a better perspective for me.

I guess that's where this title comes in a little too. We sure as heck make things complicated. Sin sure as heck makes things complicated. But truly, I am thankful for God's kind of loving because it is simple. He loves me. He chose me. He has grace for me. And because God took me as a wretch and made me into a treasure, my life has so much more. It won't be easy, but at the end of the day, it is simple. God's love remains no matter what else is trying to make my life complicated. I am thankful tonight for the pure, simple love of God. There are no strings attached. Hallelujah, hallelujah, Praise the One Risen Son of God.

Well, I could probably keep going for another 6 sections or so, but this blog is already long enough. But like I said, there is enough from tonight to keep me chewing for awhile. The biggest thing I've taken away from it is that I need to pray pray pray for victory over Satan for these girls. I swear to you guys, they are such bright and beautiful people. They're not hard to like and they're not hard to want so much more for. I can only imagine how much our God pines for their complete victory and for them to grasp how He sees them as a treasure. Please pray for these girls with me. God, send them light and truth and defeat Satan's lies right now.

Well I'm off to bed. Goodnight all.