Well, today was THAT day. That day that marked the one year anniversary of the hardest day of my life thus far. I'm not sure what I think of it.
I woke up, checked facebook and immediately went to all the facebook pages of my relatives to see what they had posted. Several of them had posted something. I think I started crying at that point. Then I listened to "What Sarah Said." Cried some more. Then I listened to "August Flies," and cried some more. Then I cried some more. Then I texted my mommy and she told me to come to the church so we could go out for lunch. So I got dressed, pulled myself together, and went. We went to Paneras and kind of talked about it. A headache had developed from the crying before, so I went home, got a tylenol, and then went to the church.
I finished measuring curtains (though I just now realized I haven't blogged since the end of camp. So I haven't really mentioned my internship at all, let alone measuring curtains) and then typed up a couple lists for the Refugee closet, and then went and picked Livia up. She leaves Wednesday for GVSU, so I'm trying to get some hang out time in. I didn't want to leave my Mom by herself tonight, though I think it was harder on me than her. Liv and I just kinda bummed around. We watched TV and then went to WalMart and then watched more tv and then I took her home. Rather uneventful. But still the company was a comfort.
Overall, besides the crying in the morning, the day wasn't as bad as I was fearing. That had to do with a lot of "Thinking of you today," texts and other such things. I have good friends. It really did mean so much to me. I hate asking for help, or asking people to think of me on hard days, and I didn't have to do that today. I was afraid I would, or that I would just not get any because I'd be too stubborn to tell people I was hurting or needed to be thought of. But my friends are good :) Today did bring back flashbacks to that day.... watching her heartbeat monitor to make sure it was still beating, crying a lot, seeing her smile and hearing her barely make out the word "heaven," remembering when she squinted at me real hard to see who I was and then when she recognized me, nodding her head, even pooping in the hospital, "eating" in the cafeteria (I had no appetite) singing songs with my family to usher her into heaven, those final moments, realizing she was gone, pacing and going outside to that pretty little garden thing with the bench by the parking lot to get fresh air so I didn't hyperventilate from crying so much and so hard, holding her hand....
I didn't mind being a little sad today. Like a told a few people, sadness lets me know I haven't forgotten her. I don't want to forget her. In some ways, I think a little sadness honors her. However, I did get swung back into the guilt a little too, and I don't think that honors her, or helps me any. I have regrets. I do. But there's nothing I can do to change them. I wish I had visited her more. I wish I had been a better granddaughter than dropping off my laundry and accepting her $20 bills. I wish I had called her back in July. I wish I wouldn't have assumed that I had more time. I wish I had recorded that voicemail she left me. I wish I had given her that dumb flower. I wish I could remember the last time I hugged her. But I didn't. And I can't. But she loved me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. Sometimes I can't help but think that if she had known better how much I loved her, she would have fought harder and not been so ready to go. Those are some of the thoughts that plagued me today. Those are the ones I hope don't stay long.
I reread my note that I wrote in November. It was good to read. I still miss my Grandma a lot. But she's everywhere, and it doesn't make my heart heavy to see her around me anymore. She's in the pillows I sleep with every night. She's with me wherever I go in the car that I drive that she gave to me. She'll be in my apartment with her couch and microwave and probably some dishes and stuff too. She's with me when I say "ouch ouch," exactly like she did when I stub my toe or something. I can still remember what her voice sounded like and what her laugh sounded like. I still tear up thinking about her, but like I said, it honors her. And if I can honor her better by being a little sad and missing her after she's gone than I did before she left, then I'm gonna do that.
Love you Grandma. Can't believe it's been a whole year... I'm gonna go to bed and listen to the Lullaby tape that we always watched, sitting in your lap in your rocking chair every time I spent the night at your house. Miss you...
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