They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. It's been nice because I've gotten to sleep in 3 days this week, but I also have been up til at least 5 am 3 times this week as well. And most of the time, those days didn't line up together. My sleep schedule has been something like 4 hours of sleep followed by 9 hours of sleep followed by 4 hours followed by 10. That's probably not healthy, but there's not much point in caring cuz there's not much I can do about it. I came to the realization years ago that trying to do my homework sooner is pointless. I work under pressure or I don't work at all. And I don't start to feel pressured until roughly 11 pm the night before an assignment is due. I admit it's gotten out of hand in my Modern Social Problems class, but in all the others, I'm doing fine.

I've felt slightly more irritable this week. I find that people often are more irritable the week before a break. But I am getting a little sick of some people telling me how I should feel. I feel how I feel and I'm going to feel that way whether you like it or not. Now if I'm being a complete tool, by all means, tell me. But I think I have a completely rational reason to feel the way I do and I do not think I should have to feel any differently. (How many times do you think I can say feel in one paragraph?) But I feel like some people think they are superior to me for some reason and can tell me how to feel when they really can't and shouldn't. It's been bugging me. To say the least.

I've kind of realized that besides all the other reasons, I am greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving break because I'm hoping it will be a sort of checkpoint. I feel like this past summer, I developed these aspirations to be a better person and start to actually live like I want to; to be a "better Christian" (though I hate that term) and not be as wishy-washy. But then a whole bunch of stuff happened, and I wasn't focused on being a better person anymore, I was just focused on being okay. It's kind of hard to work on yourself when you have to convince yourself every day that it's worth it to wake up the next morning. And I don't really blame myself for any of that. I don't think I wallowed too long in the sadness and loss I've experienced, and I don't think it would have necessarily been healthy to try and do huge heart-construction projects when it was already bleeding pretty good. God taught me a lot through all of what's gone on, and He's also HUGELY blessed me. I've enjoyed seeing the light God has brought out of my darkness.

However, I've come to a point where I AM okay. I have a renewed sense of purpose, of living, of hope. I am so thankful that God did not leave me where I was because I don't know how long I could have made it that way. But I have gotten so much better, and now that I'm okay again, I think it's time I start trying to be that better person. I've been wanting to sit down and recollect my thoughts and my heart and kind of make goals, but things have been so crazy and busy lately that I haven't felt I've had the adequate time to examine my heart like I want to. Cue Thanksgiving break. I'm going to do some soul-searching and also talk to my mother. My mother has this bittersweet gift of discernment. It's bitter because sometimes I do NOT want her to be right and she tells me like it is and I hate it. But it's sweet because, whether I like it or not, 99 out of 100 times, she IS right and she doesn't let me compromise the truth and she doesn't let me water it down or make it something that it's not. So this Thanksgiving may have a touch of a New-Year's-Resolution vibe to it. I can already tell you that there WILL be a facebook note, and there will be a rather extensive facebook fast as well.

Well I have one more paragraph of an advocacy letter left, and then I am going to bed. After 5. Again. But tomorrow is one of the days I get to sleep in. This weekend will be busy. But that's okay. They're kind of necessary sometimes.

-Kellllll(pause)sey (As George says it)