I Take It Slow Because I Have Time

Yesterday, I received a small package in the mail that was addressed from "Kristina Olson," which was kind of odd because my sister's first name is Kristina and my mother's maiden name is Olson. There aren't many Kristina's spelled with a "K," but my sister has never actually been an Olson. I was perplexed, but also curious. I was slightly afraid it was a small bomb or anthrax. I watch too much television. The box was perforated down the middle, so I broke the perforation and opened it, and the two sides of the packaging separated to reveal a miniature box of Kleenex. A cute miniature box of Kleenex I might add. It was so random. But still managed to make my day. And make me laugh for the next 10 minutes. My sister is so odd/cool.

Lately, I've just kind of been taken aback by the fact that I am a stinkin junior in college. I think I never actually thought I'd reach "real life." And I still haven't. But it's getting closer and closer and it's weird. I remember emailing Wesley at some point either the summer after my junior or senior year of high school and telling him that the thing that had been on my mind the most was the future, understandably because I was heading to college. Then I went to college and the future got back-burnered a little. But now it's creeping its way towards the front again and it is freaking me out a little bit.

Last week in my Human Behavior class, we were discussing Young Adulthood and Amber brought in her husband and a girl that graduated from SAU last year and got married this past summer to give us the "married perspective." Then she brought in a woman who is 35 and single for the "single perspective." It's really got my wheels turning and honestly, I found myself wanting what the single lady had and not wanting what the married couples had. I also watched "Eat, Pray, Love," though I admit I played tetris through the majority of it, but I did get the gist. I'm contemplating if I don't really want to give up my singleness but want to keep the freedom and flexibility and independence that if offers. To me, it seems like the choices are as follows: Choice A. Graduate college, go to grad school, get married, have sex, get a crappy job, reproduce, and either live my life trying to be a mother and pursue my dreams while living at the end of my rope, or be a mother and live at the end of my rope. This continues until my kids graduate high school and then maybe I'd get to do some of the things I've wanted to do, and then I'd age and die with someone who cares about me. Choice B. Graduate college, go to grad school, be dirt poor but do things like go to Mexico with Sue Leak, join IJM, join the Peace Corps, travel the world, do awesome things all over the place and love on lots of people, be the real life 40 year old virgin, write a book, and age and die alone. Or with a dog.

This doesn't seem fair. I don't want to die alone, especially because reality shows me that my because my parents are older, they will be gone at an earlier point in my life than most people's lives, and my sisters will be gone 15-20 years before me too. Life has also shown me that I have a really really hard time with grief and it tends to make me feel very alone. But I also don't want to settle for the "American Dream," where I'm settled down and kind of trapped in my busy, 9-5, child-consumed life when I have aspirations for so much more. And to be frank, I do want to have sex at some point. A relatively soon point, like next 10 years point.

So that's where I am right now. I feel kind of stuck in an unfair compromise both ways. I looked at IJM's employment option pages today. I really want to be apart of something like that, if not that. I read some of the job descriptions and pictured myself working face-to-face with girls who have personally suffered the demoralizing realities that I watched in a movie once and couldn't sleep for a week afterwards. I imagined myself doing this in a country on the other side of the planet from my friends and family. It was terrifying. But I want to do things like that. I want to be a "game-changer," who puts her actions where her mouth is and actually does something about the things that break her heart. But I don't know that I have the courage. Could I really do that? Could I even handle that? It's so scary. But at the same time, reading some of the things that they do just makes me want to join in and actually do the things that I wish others would do and make sacrifices that I think others should make. It's all been dreaming until now, but now it's at the point where the decisions I make and the relationships I form affect what the entire rest of my life is going to look like.

Oh well. God sees it. I am confident that God looks favorably on my heart for His hurting children and that He will give me opportunities and blessings accordingly. God sees my heart and my desires to "change the world," and also sees my desires to not spend my life alone. He's got some crazy plan that orchestrates all of it into one big ball of awesome and I just have to make sure I keep my heart open to His will. I take it slow because I have time. I have time because my God's got a plan. So rad dude.