I Take It Slow Because I Have Time

Yesterday, I received a small package in the mail that was addressed from "Kristina Olson," which was kind of odd because my sister's first name is Kristina and my mother's maiden name is Olson. There aren't many Kristina's spelled with a "K," but my sister has never actually been an Olson. I was perplexed, but also curious. I was slightly afraid it was a small bomb or anthrax. I watch too much television. The box was perforated down the middle, so I broke the perforation and opened it, and the two sides of the packaging separated to reveal a miniature box of Kleenex. A cute miniature box of Kleenex I might add. It was so random. But still managed to make my day. And make me laugh for the next 10 minutes. My sister is so odd/cool.

Lately, I've just kind of been taken aback by the fact that I am a stinkin junior in college. I think I never actually thought I'd reach "real life." And I still haven't. But it's getting closer and closer and it's weird. I remember emailing Wesley at some point either the summer after my junior or senior year of high school and telling him that the thing that had been on my mind the most was the future, understandably because I was heading to college. Then I went to college and the future got back-burnered a little. But now it's creeping its way towards the front again and it is freaking me out a little bit.

Last week in my Human Behavior class, we were discussing Young Adulthood and Amber brought in her husband and a girl that graduated from SAU last year and got married this past summer to give us the "married perspective." Then she brought in a woman who is 35 and single for the "single perspective." It's really got my wheels turning and honestly, I found myself wanting what the single lady had and not wanting what the married couples had. I also watched "Eat, Pray, Love," though I admit I played tetris through the majority of it, but I did get the gist. I'm contemplating if I don't really want to give up my singleness but want to keep the freedom and flexibility and independence that if offers. To me, it seems like the choices are as follows: Choice A. Graduate college, go to grad school, get married, have sex, get a crappy job, reproduce, and either live my life trying to be a mother and pursue my dreams while living at the end of my rope, or be a mother and live at the end of my rope. This continues until my kids graduate high school and then maybe I'd get to do some of the things I've wanted to do, and then I'd age and die with someone who cares about me. Choice B. Graduate college, go to grad school, be dirt poor but do things like go to Mexico with Sue Leak, join IJM, join the Peace Corps, travel the world, do awesome things all over the place and love on lots of people, be the real life 40 year old virgin, write a book, and age and die alone. Or with a dog.

This doesn't seem fair. I don't want to die alone, especially because reality shows me that my because my parents are older, they will be gone at an earlier point in my life than most people's lives, and my sisters will be gone 15-20 years before me too. Life has also shown me that I have a really really hard time with grief and it tends to make me feel very alone. But I also don't want to settle for the "American Dream," where I'm settled down and kind of trapped in my busy, 9-5, child-consumed life when I have aspirations for so much more. And to be frank, I do want to have sex at some point. A relatively soon point, like next 10 years point.

So that's where I am right now. I feel kind of stuck in an unfair compromise both ways. I looked at IJM's employment option pages today. I really want to be apart of something like that, if not that. I read some of the job descriptions and pictured myself working face-to-face with girls who have personally suffered the demoralizing realities that I watched in a movie once and couldn't sleep for a week afterwards. I imagined myself doing this in a country on the other side of the planet from my friends and family. It was terrifying. But I want to do things like that. I want to be a "game-changer," who puts her actions where her mouth is and actually does something about the things that break her heart. But I don't know that I have the courage. Could I really do that? Could I even handle that? It's so scary. But at the same time, reading some of the things that they do just makes me want to join in and actually do the things that I wish others would do and make sacrifices that I think others should make. It's all been dreaming until now, but now it's at the point where the decisions I make and the relationships I form affect what the entire rest of my life is going to look like.

Oh well. God sees it. I am confident that God looks favorably on my heart for His hurting children and that He will give me opportunities and blessings accordingly. God sees my heart and my desires to "change the world," and also sees my desires to not spend my life alone. He's got some crazy plan that orchestrates all of it into one big ball of awesome and I just have to make sure I keep my heart open to His will. I take it slow because I have time. I have time because my God's got a plan. So rad dude.

My Cover's Wearing Thin I Believe

I think I really might have screwed myself over this time.

Thanksgiving break was really great in a lot of ways and was really fun. I got to see my family and lots of Livia and that was all really awesome. Unfortunately, probably what I needed more than anything was a restful break, and that was not the kind of break I had. I came back more tired than when I left, and I left pretty tired.

Today was a struggle to say the least. I've been on the edge of tears for a good part of the day. I just don't have any energy, I'm overwhelmed, I've gotten to the point where I can't hardly even function. I can't focus or even like, read or write hardly because I'm so tired, but I have so much stuff to do I don't even want to think about it. I corrected papers all throughout government and could hardly formulate words, let alone thoughts on my Modern Social Problems quiz, and to make sure I stayed awake in Human Behavior, I made a pros and cons list about being married or single. Who does that? No one does that. I did that. And Jeremy's down my back on the papers I was supposed to have corrected and I have a couple papers due Wednesday, and I was already feeling kind of frustrated about all this, and then I got a call from Kendra asking me to babysit at 7:45 tomorrow morning. Are you effing kidding me? Worst. Timing. Ever. Here was little naive me thinking maybe she wouldn't need me tomorrow and I'd get to sleep in. Instead, I have to go over 3 hours earlier. I nearly had a heart attack at that point. Bleh. I hate the end of the semester.

In other news, I just discovered the genius playlist maker on iTunes, and it's so sweet. It's brought up all these awesome songs that I was totally unaware that I even had! Which is good because I'd say that probably over half of my music has either 1 or 0 listens. However, I am going to go to sleep now. So I shall have to listen to iTunes geniusness later. Because I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow :( grrrrrrr.....

Hopefully Tuesday will be a little bit better than Monday. Praying for a sense of refreshment. Also, giving up facebook for awhile. Paul Patton convicted me. Even though his gestures make me wonder if he has parkinson's, he says some pretty wise things, and I don't want to waste as much of my life away on facebook and my phone as I have been. Plus, I do have a lot to do, so it'll probably help with that too. 3 weeks, and then I get a 3 week break. I think I can I think I can...

This is probably the first time in years I've actually gone to bed in the same day I woke up in...

Black Friday

So, I'd like to say I am blogging from a new laptop, but alas, I am not. But before anyone panics, the Black Friday adventure with my dad was SUCCESSFUL YAY!!!!! We just don't know our wireless password. Which is pathetic. But will be changed by tomorrow, dangit. So... time for the story.

I woke my dad up at 1:45 and we proceeded to put on several layers of clothing. I had 6 layers on top, including my coat, and about 3 layers on the bottom. Yay leggings. I also put on some hardcore socks, but made a poor decision in shoes. My toes pretty much froze the whole night. Note to self: don't wear crappy shoes for Black Friday. But anyways. We got bundled up and put a bunch of other random crap in the car like a portable DVD player and lawn chairs, and made it about two houses down the street before we realized that we had forgotten my dad's cell phone and the newspaper ad. So we made the typical Lehman return to the house before we had made it down the street. Classic.

Best Buy is right next to Office Max, and when we got there around 2:30, the line started at the door of Best Buy, went all the way across Office Max, and was wrapped around the store. So we got our place in line and set up our lawn chairs and began the freezing process. It was pretty insane. There was a bunch of people with tents set up and a bunch more sleeping on the sidewalks with sleeping bags, including one couple canoodling in the same sleeping bag. Pansies. Just stay up all night. Anyways. About 40% of the line was Asian. My dad was probably part of like, 3% of the line that was over the age of 30, at which point I realized just how cool my dad really is. I actually almost felt like I was hanging with a bunch of homeless people in Mongolia (I did look it up, and Mongolia is an Asian country that does have characteristically long and cold winters) and should have brought sandwiches and juice, except that the people there obviously weren't needing food if they were standing in line at Best Buy, where the cheapest item you'd be waiting outside of the store for would be like, $150. We were behind a group of college-aged Asians who were very entertaining to watch, and in front of a couple MSU guys who are also managers of the Michigan State football team. That was a plus.... lots of the people in line being attractive college-aged males.

The first hour or so, I sat and people watched and froze, wishing that I knew Chinese or Korean or whatever the language that the guys in front of us were speaking. I can't tell the difference between Chinese and Koreans. That's probably horrible, but I can't. Some dudes for Boost Mobile came out. They all kind of looked like they were from the Mexican Mafia. They gave us granola bars and Sunny D and Boost Mobile flyers that were really just one more thing to sit on. They actually kind of swore a lot. One of them was like "F*** at&t," at which point I thought about hiding my at&t phone. Around 3, the tickets were supposed to be coming out, so I walked to the front of the line to see if they were starting that yet. By 3:20, nothing had happened and I was starting to get a little worried that the newspaper ad had told all lies and that there weren't any tickets and that all the Asians in front of me where going to take all the Toshibas. This may be stereotypical, but I mean come on, out of Dell, HP, Mac, Sony, and Toshiba, which one sounds most Asian? Totally Toshiba. I kinda felt like a fox or something too because I just kept walking back and forth and back and forth, observing the line/my competition. I counted that there were 115 people in front of us. I got tired of walking back and forth and ended up sitting across the street from the store on the light pole, just watching to see if anything was going on. I think around maybe 3:45, they started handing out wristbands. I hadn't read anything about wristbands, but it got me excited anyways so I went back with my dad. They gave us the green wristbands and said that this would ensure that people in line would get the wristbands and would be let in first and those that didn't have wristbands obviously were cutting everyone else in line and they would know and do something about it.

Liars.

Around 4, people were getting ancy (antsy?) and they started putting away their tents and such. That got us from around the corner and actually about 10 feet from the actual Best Buy store instead of behind Office Max. At that point, I went to the car, turned on the heat, and shoved my feet in the air vent because I could not feel my toes. After about 20 minutes, I had regained some feeling, and thought that I saw that they were handing out the tickets, so I went back to get in line. Around this point, my dad assumed his typical tendency and talked the ear off of the guys behind us. And they were cute. Unfortunately, my dad asks a lot of questions. Kind of weird questions too. A little embarrassing, but overall comical. Around 4:40 I was getting kind of nervous because we hadn't gotten computer tickets and there was only 20 minutes til the door opened. The washer and drier and tv tickets had already gone by and I was about to give up hope. But at like, 4:50, a mere/lucky 10 minutes before the hoard of costumers stormed, they came back with the computer ones. They were all out of tickets for lots of different laptops, but not the Toshibas :) I got my ticket and felt SO relieved, but still really nervous at the same time. I wasn't sure what the point of the ticket was honestly. I was also worried I was going to get trampled.

The doors opened at 5 and everyone cheered and rushed in, including a bunch of stupid people who had come at like, 4:50 and just ran in with the line instead of taking their place in the back. Green wristband protection my arse. I made a mad dash for the side where the computers were, and everything was blocked off by towers of boxes with electronics in them. I couldn't find Toshiba ANYWHERE!!! I thought about trying to leap over boxes of printers, but figured that would most definitely classify me as one of those Black Friday crazies. I had my dad stay in this one area while I ran around, and then I heard someone yell "If you're getting a new computer the line is over here" at which point me and a bunch of other people stampeded towards the guy. However, it was pretty much just a random detour to get back to exactly where we had been, just farther back in line. Douche. But my dad who had followed my directions, ended up like, 10th in line for the computers. They were taking people one at a time to get them and those with tickets got first priority. I had the ticket, so I had to go up and kind of cut people to join my dad, and some people were stinkin pissed. Mostly the door jumpers, cuz they realized they were pretty much screwed without the tickets and even though they thought they had screwed the system by running in anyways, they had failed. Suckers. At that point, I held my ticket close to my chest and almost felt like I had a golden ticket like in Willy Wonka. I hear that people are crazy and will take stuff right out of your hands. I thought about putting it inside my shirt but then thought better of it.

We got to the front of the line, and an employee took us and hooked us up with the computer. I was SO happy. Our checkout dude reminded me of a white Carlton. We got out with the computer/printer/microsoft at like, 5:45ish, and then went back in cuz my Dad wanted to look at a couple things and I wanted to look at movies. I found my parents a nice Christmas Present to get for me (Office Season 5 for $14.99 :)) and also got a 4 Oceans movie set ($10) for my mom that I am also quite aware will more than likely end up in my movie case. We had to get in line for the register, which was nuts. They had had a separate register for the computers, so that went a lot faster. But the regular register line was backed up and winded all throughout the washer/drier section. We finally made our purchases and peaced out about 6:30. We got back and woke my mom up and told her all about it until like 7:15, at which point I went to bed and the sun had risen. It was the third time this week I had been up past 7am. NOT OKAY!!! My poor dear sleep schedule. I say as I type at 4am. Grrrrr... It doesn't help that I slept in, undisturbed, actually even mouth open and drooling until STUPID 4 PM!!!! That is the latest is have EVER slept in. Ay yi yi. Not good not goood.

Well that in a nutshell, was my Black Friday experience. In the eyes of my Sociology/Social Work professors, it was American consumerism at its worst. In the eyes of Oliver Beans, it was the focal point of my economic contribution. Oh. Also, the entire time my dad was regretting not going to the Best Buy on the other side of town because he figured there'd be less Asians, err, International students, on that side of town wanting laptops. Tonight on the news we heard that they had to call the police at that Best Buy because of some incidents that had occurred. I found that rather hilarious. Guess we made the right choice.

After I woke up, I went to Liv's. Her dad set up my new computer, and we watched Dorm Life, ate food, and even saw John for a little bit. Then I came home and realized we don't know our wifi password. But alas, it is time for me to go to bed. Before the sun rises. I took benadryl to assist. Also, I just figured out today how to post pictures. So here's a few.



There's the "Before" picture with my father, taken when we had first arrived. He's so photogenic.



The crowd in front of us around 4:30ish



THE GOLDEN TICKET :) :) :) SUCK IT NON-WRISTBAND-WEARING-SISSIES!!!! Dangit I AM one of those people.



Couple of my favorite people in the whole wide world :)

And that's a wrap.

1 Hour til Doom

So, IT'S THANKSGIVING BREAK!!! YAY!!!!! I haven't done as much relaxing as I would like, but my sleep schedule is SCREWED UP after staying up til 7am and getting two hours of sleep Sunday night. Oh well.

I got home Tuesday around 5. I slept for a little bit, and then Livia came over and within 40 minutes, we went to Walmart. We're so predictable. But I like it. Then I stayed up way too late writing a facebook note, and slept in til 2. I went to Livia's long enough to see Marissa for approximately 10 minutes, and then Liv and I went to Krogers, ate dinner, and watched Dear John. Channing Tatum is beautiful. I am so honored that I got to be the first to introduce Emily to that beautiful piece of man. Haha I can't believe I just said that.

Today was Thanksgiving. It was kind of crazy, so therefore the typical Lehman-Olson holiday. 32 people. 13 children. Oh and 20 balloons. What a fun mix. My favorite actually. Love me some MASS CHAOS!!!! But it was overall a good day. I didn't get turkey today, but we brought home plenty for the rest of the break. And I got pie. Reallllly stinkin good pie too. I got to see my sister's new house. It's a really nice house. And I saw my niece and nephew, but I didn't get as much time with them as I would have liked. Saw my dog nephews too :) And my dad said just the sweetest thing to me today. Like one of those things that I probably won't forget for the rest of my life. So that was pretty great too.

In roughly 35 minutes, I will be embarking on my first Black Friday adventure. With my dad. Just the thought makes me chuckle a little. But I need a new laptop. This current one I believe was purchased when I was either a sophomore or junior in high school, and has gone through 3 hard drives, a new screen, and now the hinge is broken. It's just time. So I figured maybe I could get a good one for a good price on Black Friday. And sure enough I found a Toshiba laptop with all of the requirements that Mr.Mwakanandi the tech-master had that also comes with a wireless printer for $450 at Best Buy. Perfectly in my price range too. So Black Friday, here I come. We drove Best Buy around 10:30, and there were about a dozen tents camped out by the store. I cannot even imagine. But Best Buy is passing out tickets around 3, so my Dad and I are bringing lawn chairs and are going around 2 to get a spot in line to hopefully get a ticket so we can get in the store at 5 am and hopefully get the laptop/printer. This could be rather interesting... to say the least.

Well, I'm going to go watch one last episode of spongebob before I bundle up and wake up my father to head off to sit with all the crazies outside of Best Buy. Except that I may qualify as a crazy now. But it's saving me like, $300 (That is if we're successful.) But I figure if I'm pretty much already trained to stay up late enough to do this and actually end up saving $300 because of it, then why not? So here's hoping! Fingers are crossed! Happy Black Friday everyone! Don't get trampled!

Arrowbow. They exist. I've seen them.

Well.... once again... we find ourselves sitting here at two-freaking-thirty, and I have roughly a half a paragraph done of my 4-5 page paper. Expletive.

This may be the biggest hole I've dug myself into yet. Hmm.

On a lighter note, I had a fantastic weekend, which I suppose is what I am paying for now. But really. It was pretty great. Friday I watched Hitch with the Madee/Angie suite, which was pretty great, and I also talked to Bri for a little bit and hung out with Tammera as well. Then Saturday, I was drug out of bed to go be a zombie which was quite an experience to say the least, and then after that whole ordeal, I spent the evening with B, Oliver, and Aaron which was also very enjoyable. We played ping pong, and watched 27 Dresses (Oliver's request, Aaron's favorite) then went to Arby's, Taco Bell, and Meijer, played more ping pong and fuzball, and then walked the P loop.

You little devil.

But seriously, it was A LOT of fun. Aaron and Oliver are great and I really just like having guy friends. Spent the night in Emily's bed with B, and then woke up and wasted time for a couple hours and then got ready for the choir concert. It went well. My parents and aunt and uncle came. Weren't many SAU students there though which was kind of sad.

The choir concert was actually really hard for me. I was irritated beforehand anyways for different reasons, but when I got there, I just kind of realized it was the first choir concert my Grandma had ever missed, plus tomorrow is 3 months, and the hurt came flooding fast. So I snuck away into the, ironically enough, GrieveShare room, and called my mom and cried for a bit, wiped off the futilely applied eye make up, sucked it up, and went in. I did okay during the concert, except I had a realllllly hard time keeping it together during "In Christ Alone." And by had a hard time keeping it together, I really mean I didn't at all. Nothing like losing it in front of an entire congregation of people. Oh well. Grief's not really something you can just fight off. You deal with it when it comes, but it does get easier with time. I don't have to search too hard for tears, but the heaviness of heart doesn't linger as long as it used to. In a way, I feel like my tears honor her. Kinda let her know I still miss her. Livia was a doll. I texted her and told her I was having a hard time. And she said "I miss her too, sometimes, if that helps." It totally did. Made me cry more, but it was just so nice to hear for some reason. She's pretty good with empathy. Which goes quite the distance with grief. Probably other stuff too, but I've especially noticed and appreciated it with grief.

You see, had you asked me Friday afternoon what my plan was for the weekend, I would have told you that I was going to try and read some of the book Friday night, wake up and go straight to the library all day Saturday, do the same Sunday, go to the choir concert, and maybe have fun tonight. That's just laughable now.

Well I suppose it's time to bust out roughly 4 more pages. Thank God break is on Tuesday pretty much, so I can just sleep. Because this may be a deprivation I haven't experienced before.

They're so much stronger than the friends you try to keep by your side

This week has been a bit of a whirlwind. It's been nice because I've gotten to sleep in 3 days this week, but I also have been up til at least 5 am 3 times this week as well. And most of the time, those days didn't line up together. My sleep schedule has been something like 4 hours of sleep followed by 9 hours of sleep followed by 4 hours followed by 10. That's probably not healthy, but there's not much point in caring cuz there's not much I can do about it. I came to the realization years ago that trying to do my homework sooner is pointless. I work under pressure or I don't work at all. And I don't start to feel pressured until roughly 11 pm the night before an assignment is due. I admit it's gotten out of hand in my Modern Social Problems class, but in all the others, I'm doing fine.

I've felt slightly more irritable this week. I find that people often are more irritable the week before a break. But I am getting a little sick of some people telling me how I should feel. I feel how I feel and I'm going to feel that way whether you like it or not. Now if I'm being a complete tool, by all means, tell me. But I think I have a completely rational reason to feel the way I do and I do not think I should have to feel any differently. (How many times do you think I can say feel in one paragraph?) But I feel like some people think they are superior to me for some reason and can tell me how to feel when they really can't and shouldn't. It's been bugging me. To say the least.

I've kind of realized that besides all the other reasons, I am greatly looking forward to Thanksgiving break because I'm hoping it will be a sort of checkpoint. I feel like this past summer, I developed these aspirations to be a better person and start to actually live like I want to; to be a "better Christian" (though I hate that term) and not be as wishy-washy. But then a whole bunch of stuff happened, and I wasn't focused on being a better person anymore, I was just focused on being okay. It's kind of hard to work on yourself when you have to convince yourself every day that it's worth it to wake up the next morning. And I don't really blame myself for any of that. I don't think I wallowed too long in the sadness and loss I've experienced, and I don't think it would have necessarily been healthy to try and do huge heart-construction projects when it was already bleeding pretty good. God taught me a lot through all of what's gone on, and He's also HUGELY blessed me. I've enjoyed seeing the light God has brought out of my darkness.

However, I've come to a point where I AM okay. I have a renewed sense of purpose, of living, of hope. I am so thankful that God did not leave me where I was because I don't know how long I could have made it that way. But I have gotten so much better, and now that I'm okay again, I think it's time I start trying to be that better person. I've been wanting to sit down and recollect my thoughts and my heart and kind of make goals, but things have been so crazy and busy lately that I haven't felt I've had the adequate time to examine my heart like I want to. Cue Thanksgiving break. I'm going to do some soul-searching and also talk to my mother. My mother has this bittersweet gift of discernment. It's bitter because sometimes I do NOT want her to be right and she tells me like it is and I hate it. But it's sweet because, whether I like it or not, 99 out of 100 times, she IS right and she doesn't let me compromise the truth and she doesn't let me water it down or make it something that it's not. So this Thanksgiving may have a touch of a New-Year's-Resolution vibe to it. I can already tell you that there WILL be a facebook note, and there will be a rather extensive facebook fast as well.

Well I have one more paragraph of an advocacy letter left, and then I am going to bed. After 5. Again. But tomorrow is one of the days I get to sleep in. This weekend will be busy. But that's okay. They're kind of necessary sometimes.

-Kellllll(pause)sey (As George says it)

Dangit

So this weekend was a productive weekend. Not necessarily the exact kind of productivity that was most needed, but productive nonetheless. And it was fun. I enjoyed it. Those are rare weekends: productive yet enjoyable. So that's cool.

My roommates left me. I've never had the room all to myself before I don't think. Except for maybe last Thanksgiving now that I think about it. But anyways. Friday I had some high quality Madee Angie time, and some Kip and Katie time, and it was really great. We got stuff to make two shoe boxes for Operation Christmas Child, and that was lots of fun. Then we came back and attended the Post Village Night of Awesome, which to be honest, when I first heard about it, I thought it sounded kinda dumb, but it was really pretty cool. They had an open mic/coffee house in A, DDR/Guitar Hero and nachos in B, and Karaoke and a Cup Cake Bar in C. It was a good time. We took refreshments from all three. I almost thought about playing in the open mic night, but by time I got the courage, the time slots were filled up. But we did take part in some karaoke. Angie + Karaoke = Good Times. Then we made a taco ring and ate that, and chilled in their room and I slept over. And it was great fun : )

Saturday, I pretty much cleaned all day. I can actually tell that my desk is made of wood now and I put pictures up and did some other stuff that I have honestly been intending to do since I got here almost 3 months ago. My clothes are put away, the sinks/bathroom/shower is cleaned, other things are put away. It makes it easier to breathe for sure. I also got to spend some time with Rae and Bean and Corey, so that was some fun times for sure. And even saw Marissa for three hours :)

Today I woke up late, cleaned some more, and now trying to be productive in they way that I probably should have been productive yesterday. I have a TON of homework to do and it's already 10:12 pm, but at this point, one week from now I'll be basically one day away from Thanksgiving Break, so some sleep deprivation isn't gonna be all that detrimental cuz I can sleep all the live long day for like, 4 days in a row. I cannot even EXPLAIN how excited I am for Thanksgiving break!

My love for Thanksgiving break grows with my age. When I was younger, I didn't really care a whole lot about it. But now, I look forward to it almost as much as Christmas. I mean it's great. It's my house, and my bed and my TV and my hometown for 6, count em, 6 days! And sleeping in and Olivia, and 6 straight days where I don't have homework to do every day and have to wake up early in the morning or go to class. ANDDDDD on top of all of this, I get to spend time with my family which I really like now, and eat some good food. So no school, home/bed/tv, Olivia, family, and marvelous food.... how can this not be marvelous? I SERIOUSLY love it! And can't wait. Like, one week. WOOHOO!!!!! Pumped.

Well I must go finish my loads of homework. Bleh. But it'll be alright. Cuz I can catch up on sleep later : )

Oh mylanta

Current Life Goal: get by

Things are getting a little out of control in every aspect of my life. So, that's, ya know, awesome. School is kicking my at-money-money. To be more specific, I am about a quarter of the way through my first of 2 papers and also have roughly 10 more papers to grade, all of this should be done by tomorrow. And it's 11:41 pm. On top of that, I also have 2 other papers that were due a lil while ago and an advocacy letter that was due last week that I also need to do. Academics are RELENTLESS! My desk/clothes/bed/life are a friggen mess and it's driving me CRAZY!!! Normally I'd use some discretion here and not include this next part, but I really doubt any boys read this. I'm on my period, which makes all relational aspects of my life just dandy. Bleh. Hormones. I have cried 4 out of the last 6 days and almost started crying during my Child Welfare class tonight. It's one of those weepy, mood swing, emo periods I guess. Which just makes me love people all the more. And makes me drip with sarcasm. That sounds disgusting. Why did I say that? Better question, why don't I delete it? Ay. I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends and have been for a few weeks now. I'm curious what happens when it meets in the middle....

Meanwhile, to keep me from losing my mind and my iridescent smile, I have been doing things like correcting papers with a Clifford the Big Red Dog stuffed animal balancing on my head, eating Cap'n Crunch out of a saucepan, sporadically trying on my Spiderman costume that I recently purchased for $3. Husky boy. Ya know. The typical mind-saving strategies.

I guess it's time to get back to the grindstone. I'm pretty sure that's not a saying. I'm pretty sure it's similar to the saying I'm thinking of, but it's not quite right. But I don't care. (Oh my gosh. Stop shaking the popcorn. The butter has been distributed. Cortney Moran. Be quiet. You're not even in the lobby right now, but I still feel like telling you to be quiet.) <-----This is a sample of the lovely example of the attitudes that result from from the Uterine Wall Waterfall effect. Yeah. I need to go. I'm starting to sound like a crazy person.

Alright, Okay

So, to be honest, I'm nearly content with life right now. Granted school has been kicking my butt these last few weeks (and missing class and having make up work is not conducive to remedying this problem at all) but besides that, I feel like I'm almost as happy and content with my social/relational life as I was freshman year. For others, I guess it wasn't the best. But truly for me, at least my collegiate social life, freshman year was the golden year. I feel like my life is more balanced lately, and I really truly like it quite a lot. I enjoy being really close with a lot of people rather than close with few and surface-y with many. Last year I feel like it was more the latter, but this year, through changes that I cannot say that I enjoyed, I have been able to connect and build strong relationships with lots of people. I've built upon relationships with old friends. I've made new friends. And I feel like I am really content with the state of my relationship with JUST ABOUT all of my friends. Many of my friendships are at their peak right now, and I really like it.

However, there are a couple that are still making me confused, a little hurt, and frustrated, but not enough that it's changing my overall view of life or relationships. I think that the wisest move is to give things time, and hopefully things will progress in a positive way. If they don't, I will have to decide whether to mourn my losses and move on with life, or to try and do something about it. Either way, God has overwhelmingly blessed me with reassurance that there are a lot of people that care a lot about me, and a lot of people that notice my absence. This is so comforting, especially knowing that at the beginning of this year, I was struggling with feeling alone. God is faithful.

Tonight in Deeper, they played "It Is Well," which is the song I played at my Grandma's funeral. It was also played at Coach Randall's funeral. Needless to say, I cried. But it wasn't bad. Wounds are healing. Things still catch up with me, and I've been meaning to write my Grandma a letter to accompany the fake flowers I bought to put on her grave. I'm sure writing that will bring up some memories, but I think bringing them up and dealing with them (within reason) is going to benefit me more than burying them.

So that's about where I am. I am, dare I say, happy? Last time I thought I was happy, a week of catastrophe happened. But we needn't think that way :)

This weekend, I'm going home and I'm gonna get in some QUALITY BFF/MOMMA TIME!!!! It's gonna be great :) I can hardly wait

It goes on

So, home is good for comfort. And sofas are good for sleeping. And I have done a whole lot of sleeping these last 52 hours. I can't even tell you how many naps I've taken on our sofa. Or how needed they were.

Mothers are also good for talking. I talked to mine tonight. You should talk to yours too.

I'm still not super anxious to go back to school, but it's not an option. I AM NOT DROPPING OUT!!! Sorry to Emily, for that scare.

For now, I am going to go shower my grease mop of a head, go to bed, vote in the morning, and return to life at the Arbor.

One thing I've learned about life.... it goes on.