Be gone from me, Satan!

Jesus, you know these demons that I bear. You see how they snarl at every turn I make. And you see how I cringe and bury and hide. Oh how I want them gone! I want that lying voice in the back of my head that shrilly whispers "They don't want you," or "It won't take much for them to forget you," or "They wouldn't even notice or be affected if you weren't here," "You think people like you, but they don't," or "You're gonna end up alone," to be gone. I want it out. I want it silenced. I want it dead. I want those voices that say "Kelsey, you are so stupid for feeling this way," and "Kelsey, you pathetic loser, this is why people leave you, no one else gets hurt by this kind of stuff, only you" and "You just can't be who you want to be at all, can you?" gone too. You demons! Go to hell! Torment me and weaken me and follow me no longer! I am sick of you. I am sick of the ache and the anxiety that you have relentlessly weighted on my chest.

They have followed me for years, but I have not recognized them as the demons that they are until this past year really. It makes sense that I would have a fear of people leaving me, forgetting me, or finding better than me, and a fear in feeling any security that someone is truly interested in my friendship continuing throughout a lifetime. Many experiences have taught me to fear these things. And past occurrences, particularly past painful experiences, become a part of your fears that want to haunt all present and future happenings. But I desire to digest these fears that my enemy has fed me no longer. They are lies, and I serve and have been saved by the God of truth.

Things are changing. I have been told that I do not handle change well. That is also a lie. I handle change healthily like every person should: with struggling adjustment. But I have realized tonight that I want things to return back to something they will never return to. It's a hard reality. But it is better that I should realize reality rather than fight for something that will never happen. Things look different than they did last year. Relationships have developed from where they were last year. And this next year marks my final turn of pages in the chapter of Spring Arbor University in my life. One year from now, I will not be in a dorm building (apartment building, whatever) with people. I will either be in my sister's basement, in my house, in Grand Rapids with Liv and Marissa, or somewhere that I have not even been able to imagine as a possibility yet. In all of these options, the number of people within my immediate reach is drastically reduced. And that scares me. And many of my friends have found or are finding someone who they can spend time with who will safeguard them from being alone. This also scares me, partially because I am unsure that I have one myself, and also simply because in my mind, that automatically means that my friends have someone they can replace me with and will no longer need me or notice any kind of absence when I'm gone. But I'll still need them. I miss people deeply. I have visions of me sitting in a basement, missing people to death who don't even remember that I'm gone anymore. After all, people have moved on from me quickly in the past right? What will keep them from doing it again? And even further down the road, I am very afraid of being absolutely alone because I anticipate surviving my immediate family by many more years than most others.

So these are the demons I face. And they have plagued me since I was a young 4th grader who saw that the only time her family fought was the same time that someone who meant a lot to her left forever. They've plagued me since I was the 16-year-old girl who cried herself to sleep on the couch for a few weeks because a 16-year-old boy lied and said there wasn't anyone else. They've plagued me when these circumstances have repeated themselves. And they've been plaguing me in every situation that has an opportunity to have the same results. School. Camp. Family. Closest friends. Anywhere. They cause me to go in a shell that's not easy to get out of. A shell that requires knocking and prodding. A shell that pushes others who could hurt me away. A shell that makes me someone I don't want to be. A shell that I do not want to wear anymore.

Enough is enough. Yes, I've been hurt. But I have not been created to hold onto the chains of  scars that my enemy gives me to carry with me everywhere I go. It is for freedom that I have been saved. I am not unwanted. I am not unloved. I am not garbage that deserves to be left behind. I am not a photograph that will be discarded and then turn up in an old attic someday. These things are true. I am not unforgettable. This is also true. Most people at Spring Arbor will probably forget me at some point. I'd like to hold onto as many as I can for as long as I can. Truly, I would, and I will if they let me and also hold on too. But people adjust, as they should. And they will adjust to life without me. This does not mean that I am incapable of having lasting significance. That is probably the biggest lie I battle.

I can read too far into things because of my demons. I am also more sensitive to shifts that really are happening because of my demons. But the fact of the matter is is that God has plans for me. Big plans. Significant plans.  Plans to prosper. My definition of prosperous is different from His. But regardless, His plans are to mold me into the best person that I can be for His glory and to give me the best life I can in light of His mercy. But I can't do that if I am constantly wondering if people really love me like they say they do. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are going to leave me. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are figuring out how to move on from me. I can't do that if I am constantly expecting to end up alone and forgotten as some dog lady. God has plans for me. God will provide my daily bread for me, whether it's physical bread, or the physical presence of a friend. God will be there with me. I will not be alone.

This is step one of the dismantling of my demons I suppose. Honesty. This is where I'm at guys. I'm struggling with feeling significant in a lot of people's lives right now. And I usually am. Those voices are constantly going on in my head. I hear things you may not directly say or even mean at all. But today I am acknowledging that they exist, that they do not indicate that I am emotionally or mentally ill, and that they are beatable. And I'm also acknowledging that I need help. So here it goes. Project "Send Kelsey's 'Fear of Loneliness' Demons Back to Hell" is commenced. To hell, with you, you demons. I am loved and I am victorious. And some day, I will not fear that every person I love is going to find a way to leave me.

(To clarify, in this entire post, I did not refer to my demons in the context that I think I am demon possessed. I am not nor do I think I am. But I have a prowling and scheming enemy who has been trapping me for too long. And it's time I face him head on. It's time I dive deep into what makes me feel the way that I do and figure out how to rewire my brain and renew my mind so I no longer jump to those feelings. It's gonna hurt and be hard. So please be praying.)