And now for another second semester from Hades....

It's been a whole week and two days since I updated this thing. My goodness. I used to be so faithful. But my life just hasn't seemed all that interesting. But it has been kinda. Whatever. Here comes my update.

Well... we finished up Core 300 Tuesday, I got an A. So that's cool. Also found out that I went from a 12 credit plus choir semester to a 16 plus choir credit semester. That was my favorite thing ever. Speaking of favorite things ever, Rae, Scoot, and Lauren got lost Tuesday night and called me 10 minutes before our hockey game to tell me they were going to be late. This meant we were in danger of forfeiting. So, I got the only bodies I knew to get: B and E, to come play. B is athletic, but Emily was quite a riot to see play hockey. Emily participated in her first ever intramural event. She only had to play for maybe a minute before Rae/Scoot/Lauren showed up, but it was pretty great. I thought Emily playing intramurals would be a sign of the Apocalypse. I LOVE my suitemates :)

Wednesday I slept in really late and I don't feel like I did much of anything. Thursday was a big bunch of awful, but in terms of types of awful, it was as good of an awful as you can get. Classes started and it's gonna be a BUSY spring semester like usual. And Thursday night was just sucky. We lost the hockey championship, Rae left, and I had to cop out of the Lowell Open Mic Night. However, like I said, it was the kind of awful I don't mind so much. First of all, the loss. We played two very intense, physically taxing hockey games. And I could hardly walk afterwards, or the next day for that matter. I hate losing, but if you have to lose, it's good to lose by putting all that you have out on the floor and not holding back. And I did that. I played well and knew there wasn't much else I could have done to change the outcome. They were just better. And I think I proved myself. If you lose and you realize you didn't do your best, it really sucks, but if you lose and you know you did your best, it's not as bad. It was fun too. Disappointing to work that hard for a loss, but still fun.

However, it was pretty sad cuz when we got back, Rae had to leave :( She transferred out and is living at home in Wisconsin now. So we all had to say goodbye to her after such an emotionally and physically draining game. We all shared our tears. Having one of your closest friends leave is pretty awful, but I would rather be crying because someone I love is leaving rather than not cry because I don't have anyone to love. As much as I hate goodbyes, you know that they're hard because there was something in your life that made it great and nothing can replace that. You know you were blessed, and I am very thankful to God for Rae's place in my life in this past year.

Soooo after she left, my body hurt, my heart hurt, and I just couldn't quite get the energy or stamina to play in the open mic. So once again, my awesome suitemates saved my butt and took my spot while I sat in the snow to ice my legs and cried with Tammera. Gosh I have good friends. Sometimes I just stop and look at all the amazing people in my life and just wonder why God has blessed me so greatly. I have always been surrounded by some pretty amazing people that care a lot about me and I am just so thankful. I am so blessed. I am glad that I have friends that are worth crying over when they leave.

This weekend, I went to CHC for Winter Blitz and the staff reunion. It was fun. There was a LOT of kids that were hyped up on caffiene since someone forgot to hide the cappuccino machine. I was reminded how much I hate being more mature than people sometimes. I was also reminded of how good Olivia and I are at pulling games out of our butts and using our resources when we are only given one semi-entertaining game to entertain hyper kids for 45 minutes. I also went airborne on the flying squirrel a couple times, despite the fact that I was the one who was belaying, and was also afraid I would have permanent bruises on awkward places from the harness. And my meal-devouring, multitasking skills were not one bit rusty :) Despite the chaos and lack of sleep, I am so very excited to go back this summer :) I really do love my job there. I was sad that there weren't more people there this weekend, but it was still a good group of people and it was fun :) Hot Brocolli!

Well, these last few days, we've had class, volleyball, rasterbating Ke$ha, and Hurricane Katrina Antarctica style. However, it wasn't apparently enough to cancel ALL of my classes, so I am off to Social Stratification! Peace and blessings, yall.

It's hotter than balls...

I am not sure why I so crassly titled this blog. I'm even in an "Yay Jesus," preachy-type mood right now. But it is incredibly warm in here because the heat is on. When we turn the heat on at my house, my mom thinks 66 or 67 degrees is good, which still requires at least a sweatshirt, and surely socks, to fight off an uncomfortable cool feeling. Apparently, Spring Arbor thinks that no less than 86 degrees constitutes heat, so you pretty much have to wear a bikini to keep from sweating. It is on low, but it is like a sauna. And I have developed an awful habit of saying "It's hotter than balls in here," in a British accent whenever I feel warm, thanks to the encouragement of my best friend (Olivia.) It's usually under my breath, thank goodness. I don't remember which one of us started it, but neither one of us stopped it, that's for sure.

Anyways. This weekend, I went to B's house in northern Michigan, which was SURELY not hotter than balls. It was cold. Very cold, actually. -20 last night. We drove a lot. We ate a lot. We laughed a lot. We watched some movies, went to church, slept a lot, played some music, saw some Amish, ya know. It was really quite the enjoyable weekend, despite being called Satan. Yes, B, I know "that was one time," but nonetheless. I decided that had you told me one year ago that I would have spent a weekend up north at B's house with B, a freshman boy, Matt Voiles, and no one else, I would not have believed you. If you had told me that I would have enjoyed it, I would have believed you even less. But alas, it happened, and I enjoyed it. Just goes to show... you don't always know what you think you know.

And now it's back to reality. I survived last week with good grades on all of my sets of slaved-over reflection questions (aside from one) and am now in the midst of writing another paper on another book. I was dreading getting to another book, but, to be honest, I found this book to be pretty boss. Like really really good. I kind of want to actually read it, and read it at my own pace, to soak it in a little better. But from what I was able to gather from my skimming, it was really good and had some seriously good points to ponder. I would say more, but it is 4:45 am and I have a page to go on this paper.

Overall, I have mixed feelings about this core class. I think had it been over a semester, I would have liked it more. But there have been so many aspects to spirituality thrown at me and so many different perplexing thoughts that I would have liked to chew a little more, but I had to swallow and move on to the next morsel before I really got a chance to fully develop my thoughts. It was kind of like a pie-eating contest. I really like pie. I like a lot of the points it had to make. But I couldn't really enjoy it or digest it. And right now, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed and am trying to figure out how to boil all of these different "revelations" I've had into something that incorporates everything together and that I can take with me from here on out. So wish me luck!

Don't go to the circus drunk! It's bad for the elephants!

Lay My Body Down

Longggggg long long long week. Now, I am in B's living room in my comfiest sweatshirt and sweatpants and about to watch The Illusionist in my snuggie. Life is good. For now. And really, it will be for always, simply because of God's grace.

Sick

So. Up until today, I was pretty fond of my J Term class. It seemed like a pretty good way to start out a year, and despite the fact that I became a Christian at a very young age and have never attended anything but a Christian school, I felt like I was still learning stuff about spiritual formation.

This fondness has turned into hatred.

This woman is out of her ever-loving mind.

We had to read 16 different excerpts from 16 different authors and answer 5 reflection questions for each excerpt/author. That is 80 reflection questions. What. The. Frick. Who could ever concentrate and truly, actually, sincerely reflect over 80 questions in this short of amount of time. I finally finished. It is 34 pages long. Oh, and, uh, added bonus... I just realized that I logged onto the only computer in the lab that doesn't actually connect to the printer. Now I've gotta log onto another computer. I don't know why, but these computers are SOOOO SLOW!!!! Well good luck to Sir Printer in processing all the stupid data once it finally gets there, data that mostly consists of cheesy analogies and Sunday school answers because NO ONE CAN BE SINCERE FOR 80 QUESTIONS!!!! A lot of them were dumb questions too. And now, it begins to resemble my high school Bible classes. Sick. The readings themselves weren't too bad (though I read very little of it) but this paper was a load of crap. I don't feel any more "spiritually formed," either. More like throwing my laptop out a window. But for non-holy purposes.

The worst part, tomorrow night, I have 80 more. Wednesday night, I have 80 more. Thursday night, I have 40 more. I just may flush my head in a potty. By time I was getting to the very end, I was tempted to clean our shower drain out rather than write another sentence about cheesy spirituality. Now I'm off to write a 3-4 page paper on solitude, and then I am off to bed. Fml.

But really, don't eff it, cuz I'm pretty blessed. There are worse things I could have to do for a class (I think) and I've got some pretty legit friends. Today, for a study break, B and I dressed thug and used a Duke poster for nerf gun target practice. That is what college is about. Doing schoolwork that is beyond reason, and then being dumb and crazy. Off to solitude I go.

Speaking of solitude, B and I did our two hours of solitude at my Grandma's house. My Grandma had 8 electronic Solitaire games. She was so funny. Also, new goal, memorize Romans 12. It's got something for everyone and every situation methinks. Romans is just legit. I'm glad I got over my hatred for Romans after Junior year Bible. Other spiritual "stuff" is like orange juice from concentrate. Romans is like shoving a straw in and getting the juice straight from the orange. Yeah Paul.

Cupid's such a yacht

So I'm just gonna be honest. I hate Saturdays. I hate myself on Saturdays. Well I don't hate myself, that sounds worse than it is, but I get so ornery on Saturdays for some reason and have a hard time shaking it. I don't know if it's because I sleep in really late or forget to change my underwear or what, but these last two Saturdays have just not been my favorite. I'm not sure if I'm actually going to post this or just type and erase. But whatever. Here it goes.

Danger: entering ranting zone.

There's a whole lot of angst rolling around in some part of my inner being right now, and I figure just telling myself that I'm stupid and probably should just keep it to myself isn't helping me get rid of it. So I'm handling it maturely by ranting on a public blogging service. Hurray! So here it goes. Last night I went to Western because the Lansing Christian girls varsity basketball team was playing Western. Jess Clarke and I decided to go. I realized two things: I am old, and easily forgotten. Oh no, Kelsey, you're not easily forgotten! You were voted "Person I'm most likely to never forget," in high school. But let's be honest, who isn't easy to forget? I mean it's to the point now that people don't even realize I'm an alumni. Devin and Janelle saw me and said hi. I also talked to JT and Coach's wife, a few teachers, and Mrs.Hoffman, but besides them, no one even recognized me. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess freshman year when I would go back, almost everyone still recognized me and people were excited to see me, students, parents, and teachers. Now people don't even realize that I'm affiliated with the school. I used to sort of run the place! My face is on a basketball state championship poster in the gym! I paddled a cardboard canoe through the halls and won best dressed three times during spirit week! I was valedictorian! And now, I'm just some random girl that shows up and sits in the back row of the bleachers, having a hard time believing that the little 7th grade boys are now running around with facial hair and wearing the uniforms that the guys I graduated with wore. High school was kind of sweet back then. But now, Olivia, Megan, Kip, and Jess are the only ones I talk to on a semi-regular basis. Everyone else just drifted away. I'll get an occasional "I miss you" text or wall post, but there have been so many plans that just fell through and people that I don't know anything about anymore. It makes me miss the people from my past and scared for my future.

Some people may say that fizzling high school friendships don't forecast what will happen to my college friendships because the relationships I've had in college are so much deeper and stronger than my high school ones. That isn't really true. I had some really great friendships in high school and people I really enjoyed being with and enjoyed being with me, a lot of them for over a decade. We even have a similar point of reference: we were all from virtually the same area so we had somewhere to go back to that we would all be. But I've seen very few people since graduation, and those few that I have seen were not for very long and not for a long time. So what is going to happen less than a year and a half from now when we all disperse all over the place? The same thing. It's just reality. Not too far down the road, everything will be a memory, a fading memory. People will get used to life without me in it. You'd think I'd at least wait to be a senior before I started getting all into this crap, but like I said, there's lots of angst, and I might as well be honest and admit that I am afraid I'm already starting to get pushed out a little. Or maybe I wasn't as close as I thought I was in the first place.

Also, cupid's a fricken yacht. He forgot me. He picked me last in gym class. I guess only two of my friends have official boyfriends, but lots of others are headed that way and everyone else around here has at least someone to like, someone to invite places. I've. Got. Nothing. The closest thing I've got is the guy from my Core class who looked at me 12 times in the span of three hours and Steve from Eharmony. Core boy probably just had a neck cramp, and I have no idea what Steve looks like and no way to actually communicate with him. So, uh, glad that you're dogs cute, but our cheesy profiles are as far as we go, Steve. It also probably doesn't help that I am more cynical about this kind of stuff than I have been in my entire life. I feel like that part in 500 Days of Summer when the couple walks by holding hands and Tom says "Oh come on! Get a room!" I just chastise every song about the opposite gender that isn't about breaking up, and my favorite kinds of chick flicks are the ones where they don't end up together. Yes, Romeo and Juliet, you should probably die, because your one week of love made you very stupid. The thing is that I don't even really want a boyfriend. I just don't want to be the only one that doesn't. I don't want to be the universal 3rd wheel, or the one who loses weight by running around naked to "I Like It," because she's the only one in the room not out with a guy at night. Mostly, I don't want to be forgotten or put on the shelf for the last year and a half of college, the "best years of my life." When everyone else was in my boat, this wasn't so scary. But now I'm the only one in the boat, and I feel like I don't have a paddle, or anyone to talk to about it without stepping on toes. Maybe I'll cut my hand and befriend a volleyball. Okay, Kels, that's a little dramatic...

All this just goes to show that I need to be here now. Tonight, I am pretty much the only one without a guy to show me that I'm worth his time. But it's okay. I still feel like I'm worth something. If this is as bad as it gets, I'm going to be okay. The way things are right now isn't so bad. Sometimes I feel a little lonely, a little like I don't fit in anymore, but not that often and not too terribly badly. Mostly on Saturdays. And it's only when I get worried about what things are going to look like one month from now, six months from now, one year from now, or ten years from now, that I get all twisted up in knots, ornery, and start resembling and old, crotchety cat lady. So I will be here now. I will take it a day at a time. I will still give the best of myself (though I failed today) to the friends that are interested in it, and if at some point my presence isn't as necessary or noticeable, or I get displaced a little, I will adapt just like I always do. Probably with a little kicking and screaming, just like I always do, but I will adapt nonetheless. I still squirm at the idea and get that little lump in the back of your throat when you're trying not to cry when I think of things the way I like changing, but that is just growing up. And God will provide just like He always does. Whenever I start feeling alone, He gives me someone or usually lots of someones to let me know that I am loved and am worth spending time with, worth being a part of others lives, for at least a time. I guess even if my role at Lansing Christian and my LCS friend's lives is now an insignificant one, it still does not detract from the significance it held at one point or the value that that significance had. And neither will the significance from now, or two weeks ago, or two months ago. God has not dropped me before, He isn't dropping me now, and He is not going to drop me into some pit of insignificance or loneliness anytime soon. I just need to learn to trust and recognize that even if I don't to anyone else, I do have significance to Him, and that as a bonus, He has done a great job of giving me other people to feel significant to as well. He's not gonna stop now, even if I am the only one without a guy.

Be here now, Kels, just be here now. Take it a day at a time.

Take me to the river, make me clean again

Everyone, I am okay. No need to worry. I just have to work through things sometimes. But I figured it was time for a redeeming post after yesterday's less than shining moment. A few hours in bed and good talk with Tammera does wonders.

Friday night in my philosophical state of mind, I struck a gold mine of a song. It is powerful and moving and oh my goodness. Here's the link and lyrics:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OrSBLU1YQ0I

I will fight the spirit
With a sword in my side
She found a way out
Crack my rib
Wait to die
I think I know you best when I sleep
I think I know everything

Me and my brothers
We have tongues sharp as knives
I found a way out
Make a noise, close your eyes
I think I talk to you best when I sing
I sing about almost everything

Oh God, I need it
So let me see again
Take me to the river
And let me see again
Oh my God
Let me see again
Oh my God
Let me see again
Let me see again

Grace taught her debtor
Daily I'm strained to be
God, how I feel it
Fetter pride to Your feet
I'm gonna leave you the first chance I get
I'm gonna leave you the first change I get
I'm gonna leave you the first chance I get
I'm gonna leave you the first change I get

Oh God, I need it
I was wrong again
Take me to the river
And make me clean again
Oh my God
Make me clean again
And oh my God
Let me see again


Soooo beautiful and moving and honest and WOW I love Manchester Orchestra. So glad Kelsey Moore unintentionally introduced me to them and that I decided to search for more songs by them. I can't stop listening to this one though. It's so good.

This last week, I've just been thinking about and have been moved by the grace of God. How God took something as despicable, disgusting, and depraved as human hearts, something as despicable, disgusting, and depraved as my life, and was able to make something beautiful out of it. I think it was Romans 9 I was in the other night that described us as "objects of His mercy." I don't know why, but that caught my ear and just sounds like something beautiful. My life, my attempts at goodness, my sorry excuse for love, this broken vessel that I am, was chosen by and taken into the hands of the Creator, the hands of mercy, and He covered me with His blood and grace. Because of that covering of mercy, my life was made into something beautiful, something with purpose, something with meaning. People can look at my life and it points to His mercy. That's just so amazing.

At the stripper Bible study last week, Joy was talking about the parable of the Prodigal son. When the son returned, he was no doubt full of shame and was embarrassed of who he was and what he had done. But the father saw him and ran out to meet him. In order to do that, he would have had to of lifted his robe up which was a disgraceful and embarrassing thing to do in those times. She talked about the comfort she felt knowing that though she severely dealt with being embarrassed about her past, the shame of her life, God ran out to her and even went so far as to embarrass or make Himself look foolish in order to pull her in His arms and wrap her in the finest robe, which is Christ's righteousness. When the father saw his son, he didn't see a foolish man who was as low and filthy as the pigs, but saw his son in the finest robe, worthy of the finest celebration and feast. When God wraps us in His mercy, in the finest robe of Christ's Righteousness, He doesn't see who we were or who we are without Him, He sees the glory of His son. And it's all because of grace. This is just amazing to me. We truly are wretches. I am selfish. I don't know how to love. I don't trust God to provide, though He has shown me time and time again that He always does. I am worthless and weak and worry-prone. But God daily surrounds me in His mercy and grace, and because of that, my life has significance.

One of the most profound books I have ever read is The Imitation of Christ by Thomas Kempis, and in one of the first few chapters, he says “Therefore, if you see another sin openly or commit a serious crime, do not consider yourself better, for you do not know how long you will remain in a state of grace. All men are frail, but you must admit that none is more frail than yourself." This continues to challenge and astound me. Not only is the forgiveness of everything we have done wrong an exercise of grace, but every act of goodness we do is also only allowed because of God's grace as well. This is truly humbling. It also makes it easier to not get so frustrated with others who you don't understand because if you think you know how you would do things better, it would only be God's grace that prompted and gave you the ability to do so, not because of any ounce of goodness you had on your own. Even my "goodness," though I may foolishly call it my own, points to His grace.

Alright, well I'm gonna stop talking now. Sorry if this was just rambling preaching or something. But I really have just been pretty overwhelmed by His beautiful, sweet grace lately. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for making me into an object of your mercy.

Truly my life is void and brief
And tedious in the barren dusk;
My life is like a frozen thing,
No bud nor greenness can I see:
Yet rise it shall--the sap of spring;
O Jesus, rise in me.

My life is like a broken bowl,
A broken bowl that cannot hold
One drop of water for my soul
Or cordial in the searching cold;
Cast in the fire the perished thing;
Melt and remould it, till it be
A royal cup for Him, my King:
O Jesus, drink of me.

And now....

....it has slumped into a dumb, mopey mood. There are fears I can't shake. Perhaps, I will stay in bed all day.

Kelsey, why are you so stupid?

Sometimes, I hate titling blogs

I'm in an odd mood. Not a bad mood. Not a great one. Just on the brink of a mood, but not sure which one. I don't actually feel like filling in on the events of the last couple days, not because they were bad or uneventful, I just don't feel like it. I guess I still will, but will do so in vague terms. Yesterday class was average, dinner was encouraging, and I stooped to an all new low last night. Today, class was thought-provoking, the afternoon was blank, and I've spent the evening with Stacey which has been fun and makes me excited for summer. And now I am by myself in my dorm at 1:30 on a Friday night. It's usually at these kinds of times, when I'm alone and my thoughts are able to catch up with me because there are no distractions, that I either get mopey or philosophical. Right now I feel more close to a philosophical mood, but I also feel like I could easily fall asleep. It'd probably be smart to go to bed, but I've never been that kind of smart. I have a couple things I can do anyway.

So perhaps we will enter into the philosophical area of Kelsey's brain tonight. But not on my blog. The thoughts of my philosophical state of mind are kind of like finding gold. Not to say my thoughts are as valuable as gold, but I can't think of any other example besides sugar, and sugar just sounds stupid. Gold sounds cocky. But I'm not being cocky I just don't feel like trying hard enough to find a better example. Anyways. My philosophical thoughts are like gold because they start out pretty rough and raw but have to be refined and rethought and reconsidered before they're valuable or ready to share anywhere besides in the ears of only my most-trusted friends. Not that you people aren't my most-trusted friends because most of you are, but the ears part is important and there is no one here right now, so they shall bounce around in my head and that is as far as they go tonight unless some poor soul walks into this room. Or maybe I'll just go to bed. Whatever. The only sure thing is that I'm getting off of here because I'm just sounding ridiculous.

I wish I was Jewish

Well after an extensive trip to Meijer, loading my car from floor to ceiling (nearly literally) and a 45-minute drive, I am back at Spring Arbor for second semester of my junior year, though it is technically J-term now. We had our first day of classes today and I subsequently also had my first day of babysitting today as well. I also found out that the girl that was originally babysitting on Thursdays has told Kendra that she is not doing it any longer. So I'm the only one. Excellent. Ahh well. I will just have to find my spine and make sure she only schedules me for once a week still. However, new years bring new things, and Suzanne is now POTTY TRAINED!!! HURRAY!!! So hopefully my share of poopy diapers is gone. Now it will be dirty pullups. Just kidding. But seriously. She pooped right before I had to leave today so I dodged a bullet there. So hopefully I'll keep dodging bullets, or turds.

B and Emily are both sleeping and I feel kind of creepy sitting here. And B just hummed in her sleep. So now the situation is just creepy in general.

So I wasn't sure before, but I guess Core 300 is about spiritual formation. I did not know that when I registered, not that I had a choice, but I am, intrigued, we'll say, to see how it goes. Because of my Christian school upbringing, I raise a B-style skeptical eyebrow towards any kind of class that entails spirituality. I raise a B-style skeptical eyebrow towards anything with spiritual labels really. Which is good and bad. We are told to test everything we hear. At the same time, I am probably a harsher critic than most and probably discredit some things that could actually have benefit if I weren't so stubborn and suspicious of things that claim to be "spiritual." I have seen too many people who aced Bible class but lived in contradictory ways. I have seen too many people who could eloquently define contrition but never felt it, accumulated tons of Biblical knowledge but never learned how to implement it. I have seen too many difficult, deep, bleeding gashes bandaged in cute, shallow analogies and rehearsed lines that never helped anyone. So while my Bible classes gave me a lot of Biblical knowledge, which has it's value no doubt, it also gave me skepticism towards people that are really dang good at faking it or making it into something it's not.

It seems a great focus of Core 300 will be intentional living, which I think is great. But at the same time, is that something you can really teach in a class? And other parts of it seem like a recap of my 10th grade Bible class, which I was not in any way anxious to return to. Some of the answers in class today seemed that way anyway. Also, I have a hard time when spiritual formation and religious practices are classes because it can make the Bible homework. It makes it easier for me to think of my faith as something I need to keep a 4.0 in instead of a gift of grace and a working sanctification process. However, despite how I have spent much of the last 2 paragraphs talking about all the reasons I am skeptical, I am still hopeful that this class is going to have some profound implications and am excited. It should also be a great start to implementing spiritual principles at the beginning of the year after all these new year's resolutions and whatnot.

I read (most of) the first book tonight, called Mudhouse Sabbath and it was really good. I rarely say that about Christian books. Darn skeptical eyebrow again, but this one was very interesting. It was written by a woman who was raised Jewish but converted to Christianity in college and she talks about different Jewish practices, the reasons behind them, and how Christianity could really benefit from them. I thought the grief section was especially interesting and profound. I feel like Paul Patton because I've totally used profound like 3 times already, but it really was. Also, we're supposed to pick a spiritual discipline to practice during J-term and I have decided to actually observe the Sabbath for J-term, which means going to church every weekend first of all, and also means that from sundown on Saturday until sundown on Sunday, I will not be doing homework, going anywhere, or doing any other kind of work but will instead try to seek some solitude and rest in the Lord. I think it's going to be great. I also think it might be one of the hardest things I've done. Not going anywhere, especially Saturday night, is going to be really difficult. Also, focusing on God even if I have a bad attitude about not getting to go anywhere is going to have to be very intentional. But I am excited. I think God wanted rest, particularly rest with spiritual intentions, for a reason. So that will be interesting.

Sometimes, I think protestants chide the more rigid practices of religions like Judaism, Catholicism and such and are quick to say that it's all ritual and Christianity is a relationship. I agree, to an extent, that a religion that is all ritual may not build a very deep relationship with God. But sometimes Christianity can put too much weight on emotions and I don't think this will build a very stable relationship with God. I think both the emotional aspect of Christianity and ritual aspect can be mixed together to build something that is both deep and stable. When the happy feelings are gone and hope is hard to find, ritual has its place to keep things together, but ritual in and of itself needs some sort of heartfelt life for it to mean anything too. I guess I should be happy. I'm already discovering things from Core 300.

Well, once again, it is far too late and this blog is far too long. So I am off to bed! Goodnight everyone!

Stagnancy has no meaning

Today was kind of a bla day. Not a bad day. Not a good one either. Just bla. I was in a bla or bad mood all day. I'm probably just getting tired from my nocturnal sleep schedule. I'm also realizing how little break there is left, and it's not that I dread going back. Cuz I love SAU. I love my friends, things are fine, I can even handle classes and what not. Going back isn't what's getting me. Just the fact that I have to leave is. I just didn't get enough time at home. I was busy and got to see lots of people, but I didn't get as much time just at home relaxing or having conversations with my parents as I was hoping for and it's kind of just making me irritable. I also had this impression that I'd be bored and trying to figure out how to fill time and I'd have all this time to do things that I've been wanting to do but just didn't have time for all semester. But now I didn't do them over break either and so they just won't get done and that bugs me and I just sound like a whiney, baby kid right now.

I've also kind of found that the longer I go in college, the more homesick I get. I didn't get homesick hardly at all freshman year and I was always excited to go back after breaks. Last year, I wished I was home the whole year and I think I cried the last day of break last year cuz I didn't want to go back. This year it's kind of in between. I was really homesick at the beginning of the year but things got better. I'm not gonna cry about it and I'm not dreading going back, I just don't want to yet. I think part of me is realizing that I have Spring break, maybe a total accumulation of a month or month and a half during the summer, next winter break and spring break and summer, and then I'm on my own and am expected to find my own place to make home. This won't be it anymore. That's not that much time. And I am so wonderfully blessed to have a home that I enjoy being in. I just want more time. And the way things work, I'll probably spend a lot of those breaks not at home, being busy and it just makes me sad. Also, something happened tonight that just really bugged me and frankly pissed me off and I am sick of it. It's starting to drive me insane. I could go into detail, but I won't.

I feel particularly sheepish because last night, Marissa and I were talking about how our problems are just so trivial and dumb and we should just be so thankful all the time when we compare our lives to others that deal with SOO much more, like those that are starving or are trapped in sex trafficking or those kinds of things. And all of this seems so little and stupid compared to that, but I still allowed myself to be moody all day. It is all in perspective I guess. Just gotta work on shifting mine from time to time.

Such is life. I'm off to bed.