Meh

Today, I learned how to cook meth. Sort of. I simultaneously learned how to blow up a house. Yay Child Welfare, which is over now. It's actually kind of sad. That class surprised me and ended up being one of my favorites. I think it may have been more helpful/informative than my Intro to Social Work class. I also got a lot of candy. I guess it's not actually over. I still have to do the exam. Which reminds me of just how much I have to do in this next week. Sick.

One week and one day from now, I will be in my bed, probly, hopefully unconscious, while also sighing with relief. One week from now, I may or may not be pulling my hair out of my head. I have two regular, in-class exams, two papers to write, and then, so far, a total of 22 pages of essays to write. The 22 only accounts for 2 of my 3 take-home "exams." I find out the final verdict tomorrow. It could easily be 30+ pages of crap that I have to write in the next week. I don't think I have ever written 30 pages in one week. I'm not even sure if it's possible. I guess we'll find out. Blowing up a house is sounding more and more promising...

I was originally just gonna write this off last night and just leave it as "my night was crappy, I don't want to talk about it," but decided that some honesty has some value. I was gonna pretend like I could handle things on my own or that things were fine, but they weren't really. Today was better. Quite a bit better actually. But anyways. I usually think of myself as a pretty confident and secure person, but as much of a front as I put up sometimes, I do sometimes struggle with feeling insignificant or like someone who is easy to forget and easy to leave. I don't think I'm terribly too hard to like, but I also wonder if I'm also easy to drop.

Last night, I kind of realized I've been letting my "value compass" slip in a sense. What I mean by that is that I have been looking in the wrong places to find my personal value. I've been getting it and looking for it through what professors think of me and how smart they think I am after grading my papers, and how much my friends like me and want me around, I guess mostly what people think of me. It was working great for the last month or so, but this week, things got weird and I was kind of beginning to think that if I just disappeared like the people do on Without a Trace that no one would notice or care too much. I was beginning to feel like an afterthought or a tag-along, and it was really getting to me. So I decided to go on a walk. I really just kind of wanted to cry but for some reason I couldn't. I decided to listen to a sermon I have saved on my phone by Steve Sommerlot from Riverview. He talks about the implications of God's existence and the value and sanctity of life, but mostly what I remember and keep having to go back to is the value part.

He talks about how we all want to feel significant and valued and feel like our life and our existence has meaning. We want dignity. He talks about how people search for it in a lot of ways, through friends, or money, or sex, or drugs, or fame, and how none of these can really give you value. He says that God is the only one that can really give you value because value is what someone is willing to pay for something, and God paid for us with His Son. It's all kind of stuff I "know" and have heard before, but have to periodically hear over and over again to let it actually soak into my heart.

In lots of ways, all of us are different, but in so many ways, we're all the same. It sounds so cliche, but we all have this hole or emptiness that we want to fix or fill. We all just have our own ways of trying to fill it. Someone else's way of filling it may be completely different from yours and seem stupid or foreign, but it's the same hole you're trying to fill. Some ways of filling it last for awhile, but the only one that will actually be or is capable of being 100% consistent is God. I had forgotten about that and I had put my self-worth in the hands of my friends and professors who are human and therefore inconsistent, just like I am. So God was kinda like, Hey, remember whose Image you were created in and who you can actually trust to give you your value without shaking. It's a basic concept, but so difficult to put into practice. (Let me clarify: I don't think God wants me to avoid people or not think that the love and appreciation of the people in my life is special. God still wants us to enjoy the relationships in our life, we just can't base our self-worth off of it. Once again, easy to say, hard to do.)

Today, both sides of the our suite got rearranged. I like both rearrangements. B and E's bunkbeds now form a "clubhouse" for me. I'm totally gonna pimp it out. I have to wait til J-term. But it's gonna be sweet.

Meow.