Ha. What a week. Like an F5 tornado. Still recovering. Communication is such a fine and necessary art, so fragile and so complex. Had a decent amount of homework this week, but that's not even close to the reason why I'm still recovering and waiting for the aftershocks to subside. If only life were easy. Ever. Good gravy.
I may or may not (leaning more towards may) have decided that I am not dating any guy for the remainder of my time in college AT LEAST. Many people eat those words, so I'm not solemnly swearing them or anything. For all I know God could throw the relationship I've always wanted at me right when I don't want it. Wouldn't that be a kicker. But anyways, I've decided that if I were to begin and actually maintain a relationship with a guy, my friendships would not and could not remain the same. I've come to the realization that no matter what, if a romantic relationship begins or even starts the process of beginning, something and someone WILL get sacrificed. There's no way around it. Someone has to get left in the dust. There's no such thing as a healthy balance for everyone. It doesn't exist. At best, your time with those who received most of it before said romantic interest entered in will be halved. That's best case scenario. And if that happens, it probably won't leave enough time for the said romantic interest.
I do not want to date any guys because first of all, I now realize how much I value the time I get to spend with my friends in college. I've been deprived of it from some friends this week, and boy was it ugly. Reality is ugly too, and only 20 short months from now, the majority, if not all of my closest friends will not be within a daily-basis reach. The majority, if not all of my closest friends, will not be within weekly, perhaps monthly, perhaps even yearly reach. It will be the "real world," where everyone is spread out, stuck in their 9-5's, perhaps with husbands and babies crawling around with no way, much less time, perhaps even less desire to just walk down the hall and watch a Disney movie while working on a paper. It will be eternal summer vacation. Right now, summer vacation separation doesn't bug me too much cuz I know fall will soon be coming, bringing reunion. But when those reunions cease.... it's something I don't like to think about. But for now, I have a precious 20 months to try and get as much quality time in as possible. To factor in a romantic relationship within this 20-month-time limit results in such a devastating loss of quality time than I want with my friends before the real world hits and everyone goes.
The second reason I'm leaning towards the may end of the bargain is because I don't want to leave any of my friends in this inevitable dust. My feet have gotten some dust on them this past week, and I hate it. I seriously hate it. I do not want to be the cause of dust for anyone else's feet. I just don't. Ideally, I'd like not be left in any dust either, but whether I like it or not, it may just happen.
If I've learned anything this past year, I've learned that at least while we're here on this Earth, nothing stays the same. Nothing. Stays. The. Same. No exceptions. Some of the best and brightest things may be the cause of your darkest corners in days to come. At least there's two sides of the coin. Some things that were dark may bring some brightness later. I hope to hold on to the things that bring brightness, and I hope to remember that I need to smile about the things that may be routine and make me feel safe, even if they may feel mundane. There is a certain brightness in mundane. Mundane may feel irritating until it's gone, and then you'll get to a place where you'd do anything to get back to the manna you once scorned.
I don't know, this is a long and 5:00-am-state-of-mind post that really just is my way of saying I hate guys. I hate dust, and I will probably unknowingly hate causing others dust. I don't want to date because it causes dust for somebody and subtracts from the little time left that I have to give to some of my nearest and dearest. So for now, until I'm good and lonely and have some time to kill, a guy in my life is not going to be the cause of losing time with my friends or any of my friends losing time they want with me.
It's so hard to love...
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