Good Grief

Life is insane. It's good, but insane. Perspective is everything, and I am working really hard to keep my perspective positive. God reminded me today that even through some really crappy, sucky situations, beauty can arise. It's Breast Cancer Awareness month, and I put this as my status today: "October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For many, this has meant having a breast-cancer related status, a pink profile picture and remembering those who have fought the battle against this disease; those who won, lost, and are currently fighting. These are wonderful things, but this month reminds me of something different. I remember that my mother fought this disease, and I remember the pain and fear it brings to all its victims. But I am also reminded of how God can create light out of darkness, and how out of cancer, He brought me. May we also remember the blessings that grow from our pain."

I've realized that through some of the crappy situations I've had these last couple months, there's been some beauty. Tomorrow is the two month anniversary of when my coach died. It was a really crappy situation, but it did bring our basketball team back together again and showed that the bonds of team last awhile. Friday will be the two month anniversary of my Grandma's death, and that situation was REALLY crappy, but it brought my family back together and helped me to feel more love and support and more apart of my family than I've ever felt before.

I drove by her house for the first time last week. I cried. It was good, but it was sad. Her front porch light was on and it really made it feel like she should still be in there, watching Jeopardy and working on the next afghan, stitching each stitch with love. It brought back some regret and some sorrow, but I mostly just missed her. The beauty hasn't fully developed yet. Grief is such a strange thing.

This song by Death Cab has always been one of my favorites, but I'm pretty sure that from now on, it will always make me cry. It's called "What Sarah Said."


What Sarah Said

And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"

So who's going to watch you die?


It brings me back to that day in such a real way.