So... sometimes, people develop lives when you don't. Sometimes, you may come back to your dorm room at a quarter to midnight, and there's no one there for the second night in a row. There are two ways to react to this situation.
Option A: sit on the futon on facebook and mope to yourself about how you're such a loser.
Option B: run around naked.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
Mehhhhhhhhhhh
This past week and some days has been pretty awesome. My life has felt so much more balanced and I felt like I was getting in the groove and it's been really great. This past weekend was awesome too. It was Fall Break, and I went to B's house with 7 other people and we led a worship service Saturday night and did church Sunday morning and it was awesome. Lots of fun.
Today, however, was not so awesome. Lately, though, one crappy day in a week is fantastic. It was usually the other way around. One good day and all the rest crappy. So I should be content with this. But I'm just a whole lot of things right now and I want to go back to being content. Such is life.
Today, however, was not so awesome. Lately, though, one crappy day in a week is fantastic. It was usually the other way around. One good day and all the rest crappy. So I should be content with this. But I'm just a whole lot of things right now and I want to go back to being content. Such is life.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Good Grief
Life is insane. It's good, but insane. Perspective is everything, and I am working really hard to keep my perspective positive. God reminded me today that even through some really crappy, sucky situations, beauty can arise. It's Breast Cancer Awareness month, and I put this as my status today: "October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. For many, this has meant having a breast-cancer related status, a pink profile picture and remembering those who have fought the battle against this disease; those who won, lost, and are currently fighting. These are wonderful things, but this month reminds me of something different. I remember that my mother fought this disease, and I remember the pain and fear it brings to all its victims. But I am also reminded of how God can create light out of darkness, and how out of cancer, He brought me. May we also remember the blessings that grow from our pain."
I've realized that through some of the crappy situations I've had these last couple months, there's been some beauty. Tomorrow is the two month anniversary of when my coach died. It was a really crappy situation, but it did bring our basketball team back together again and showed that the bonds of team last awhile. Friday will be the two month anniversary of my Grandma's death, and that situation was REALLY crappy, but it brought my family back together and helped me to feel more love and support and more apart of my family than I've ever felt before.
I drove by her house for the first time last week. I cried. It was good, but it was sad. Her front porch light was on and it really made it feel like she should still be in there, watching Jeopardy and working on the next afghan, stitching each stitch with love. It brought back some regret and some sorrow, but I mostly just missed her. The beauty hasn't fully developed yet. Grief is such a strange thing.
This song by Death Cab has always been one of my favorites, but I'm pretty sure that from now on, it will always make me cry. It's called "What Sarah Said."
What Sarah Said
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
It brings me back to that day in such a real way.
I've realized that through some of the crappy situations I've had these last couple months, there's been some beauty. Tomorrow is the two month anniversary of when my coach died. It was a really crappy situation, but it did bring our basketball team back together again and showed that the bonds of team last awhile. Friday will be the two month anniversary of my Grandma's death, and that situation was REALLY crappy, but it brought my family back together and helped me to feel more love and support and more apart of my family than I've ever felt before.
I drove by her house for the first time last week. I cried. It was good, but it was sad. Her front porch light was on and it really made it feel like she should still be in there, watching Jeopardy and working on the next afghan, stitching each stitch with love. It brought back some regret and some sorrow, but I mostly just missed her. The beauty hasn't fully developed yet. Grief is such a strange thing.
This song by Death Cab has always been one of my favorites, but I'm pretty sure that from now on, it will always make me cry. It's called "What Sarah Said."
What Sarah Said
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to father time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said that "Love is watching someone die"
So who's going to watch you die?
It brings me back to that day in such a real way.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
It's So Hard to Love
Ha. What a week. Like an F5 tornado. Still recovering. Communication is such a fine and necessary art, so fragile and so complex. Had a decent amount of homework this week, but that's not even close to the reason why I'm still recovering and waiting for the aftershocks to subside. If only life were easy. Ever. Good gravy.
I may or may not (leaning more towards may) have decided that I am not dating any guy for the remainder of my time in college AT LEAST. Many people eat those words, so I'm not solemnly swearing them or anything. For all I know God could throw the relationship I've always wanted at me right when I don't want it. Wouldn't that be a kicker. But anyways, I've decided that if I were to begin and actually maintain a relationship with a guy, my friendships would not and could not remain the same. I've come to the realization that no matter what, if a romantic relationship begins or even starts the process of beginning, something and someone WILL get sacrificed. There's no way around it. Someone has to get left in the dust. There's no such thing as a healthy balance for everyone. It doesn't exist. At best, your time with those who received most of it before said romantic interest entered in will be halved. That's best case scenario. And if that happens, it probably won't leave enough time for the said romantic interest.
I do not want to date any guys because first of all, I now realize how much I value the time I get to spend with my friends in college. I've been deprived of it from some friends this week, and boy was it ugly. Reality is ugly too, and only 20 short months from now, the majority, if not all of my closest friends will not be within a daily-basis reach. The majority, if not all of my closest friends, will not be within weekly, perhaps monthly, perhaps even yearly reach. It will be the "real world," where everyone is spread out, stuck in their 9-5's, perhaps with husbands and babies crawling around with no way, much less time, perhaps even less desire to just walk down the hall and watch a Disney movie while working on a paper. It will be eternal summer vacation. Right now, summer vacation separation doesn't bug me too much cuz I know fall will soon be coming, bringing reunion. But when those reunions cease.... it's something I don't like to think about. But for now, I have a precious 20 months to try and get as much quality time in as possible. To factor in a romantic relationship within this 20-month-time limit results in such a devastating loss of quality time than I want with my friends before the real world hits and everyone goes.
The second reason I'm leaning towards the may end of the bargain is because I don't want to leave any of my friends in this inevitable dust. My feet have gotten some dust on them this past week, and I hate it. I seriously hate it. I do not want to be the cause of dust for anyone else's feet. I just don't. Ideally, I'd like not be left in any dust either, but whether I like it or not, it may just happen.
If I've learned anything this past year, I've learned that at least while we're here on this Earth, nothing stays the same. Nothing. Stays. The. Same. No exceptions. Some of the best and brightest things may be the cause of your darkest corners in days to come. At least there's two sides of the coin. Some things that were dark may bring some brightness later. I hope to hold on to the things that bring brightness, and I hope to remember that I need to smile about the things that may be routine and make me feel safe, even if they may feel mundane. There is a certain brightness in mundane. Mundane may feel irritating until it's gone, and then you'll get to a place where you'd do anything to get back to the manna you once scorned.
I don't know, this is a long and 5:00-am-state-of-mind post that really just is my way of saying I hate guys. I hate dust, and I will probably unknowingly hate causing others dust. I don't want to date because it causes dust for somebody and subtracts from the little time left that I have to give to some of my nearest and dearest. So for now, until I'm good and lonely and have some time to kill, a guy in my life is not going to be the cause of losing time with my friends or any of my friends losing time they want with me.
It's so hard to love...
I may or may not (leaning more towards may) have decided that I am not dating any guy for the remainder of my time in college AT LEAST. Many people eat those words, so I'm not solemnly swearing them or anything. For all I know God could throw the relationship I've always wanted at me right when I don't want it. Wouldn't that be a kicker. But anyways, I've decided that if I were to begin and actually maintain a relationship with a guy, my friendships would not and could not remain the same. I've come to the realization that no matter what, if a romantic relationship begins or even starts the process of beginning, something and someone WILL get sacrificed. There's no way around it. Someone has to get left in the dust. There's no such thing as a healthy balance for everyone. It doesn't exist. At best, your time with those who received most of it before said romantic interest entered in will be halved. That's best case scenario. And if that happens, it probably won't leave enough time for the said romantic interest.
I do not want to date any guys because first of all, I now realize how much I value the time I get to spend with my friends in college. I've been deprived of it from some friends this week, and boy was it ugly. Reality is ugly too, and only 20 short months from now, the majority, if not all of my closest friends will not be within a daily-basis reach. The majority, if not all of my closest friends, will not be within weekly, perhaps monthly, perhaps even yearly reach. It will be the "real world," where everyone is spread out, stuck in their 9-5's, perhaps with husbands and babies crawling around with no way, much less time, perhaps even less desire to just walk down the hall and watch a Disney movie while working on a paper. It will be eternal summer vacation. Right now, summer vacation separation doesn't bug me too much cuz I know fall will soon be coming, bringing reunion. But when those reunions cease.... it's something I don't like to think about. But for now, I have a precious 20 months to try and get as much quality time in as possible. To factor in a romantic relationship within this 20-month-time limit results in such a devastating loss of quality time than I want with my friends before the real world hits and everyone goes.
The second reason I'm leaning towards the may end of the bargain is because I don't want to leave any of my friends in this inevitable dust. My feet have gotten some dust on them this past week, and I hate it. I seriously hate it. I do not want to be the cause of dust for anyone else's feet. I just don't. Ideally, I'd like not be left in any dust either, but whether I like it or not, it may just happen.
If I've learned anything this past year, I've learned that at least while we're here on this Earth, nothing stays the same. Nothing. Stays. The. Same. No exceptions. Some of the best and brightest things may be the cause of your darkest corners in days to come. At least there's two sides of the coin. Some things that were dark may bring some brightness later. I hope to hold on to the things that bring brightness, and I hope to remember that I need to smile about the things that may be routine and make me feel safe, even if they may feel mundane. There is a certain brightness in mundane. Mundane may feel irritating until it's gone, and then you'll get to a place where you'd do anything to get back to the manna you once scorned.
I don't know, this is a long and 5:00-am-state-of-mind post that really just is my way of saying I hate guys. I hate dust, and I will probably unknowingly hate causing others dust. I don't want to date because it causes dust for somebody and subtracts from the little time left that I have to give to some of my nearest and dearest. So for now, until I'm good and lonely and have some time to kill, a guy in my life is not going to be the cause of losing time with my friends or any of my friends losing time they want with me.
It's so hard to love...
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Something is Not Right With Me
Change is inevitable. Change is hard. But I don't understand why all of my change has to come at once.
Permanent change is the worst for me. And threat of permanent change is one of the things I fear most.
Usually, I'm can stay at least somewhat relaxed in relationships and if I know a little change is gonna come, I am okay with it because I trust that once I am reconnected with this person or we get things straightened out, things will be okay, roughly the same. However, when I sense permanent change in any kind of relationship, my world starts to shake. Right now I am sensing a kind of permanent change with one of my closest friends, and not a kind of change that I like, and I may just go to my bed and cry.
Permanent change is the worst for me. And threat of permanent change is one of the things I fear most.
Usually, I'm can stay at least somewhat relaxed in relationships and if I know a little change is gonna come, I am okay with it because I trust that once I am reconnected with this person or we get things straightened out, things will be okay, roughly the same. However, when I sense permanent change in any kind of relationship, my world starts to shake. Right now I am sensing a kind of permanent change with one of my closest friends, and not a kind of change that I like, and I may just go to my bed and cry.
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