Jesus, you know these demons that I bear. You see how they snarl at every turn I make. And you see how I cringe and bury and hide. Oh how I want them gone! I want that lying voice in the back of my head that shrilly whispers "They don't want you," or "It won't take much for them to forget you," or "They wouldn't even notice or be affected if you weren't here," "You think people like you, but they don't," or "You're gonna end up alone," to be gone. I want it out. I want it silenced. I want it dead. I want those voices that say "Kelsey, you are so stupid for feeling this way," and "Kelsey, you pathetic loser, this is why people leave you, no one else gets hurt by this kind of stuff, only you" and "You just can't be who you want to be at all, can you?" gone too. You demons! Go to hell! Torment me and weaken me and follow me no longer! I am sick of you. I am sick of the ache and the anxiety that you have relentlessly weighted on my chest.
They have followed me for years, but I have not recognized them as the demons that they are until this past year really. It makes sense that I would have a fear of people leaving me, forgetting me, or finding better than me, and a fear in feeling any security that someone is truly interested in my friendship continuing throughout a lifetime. Many experiences have taught me to fear these things. And past occurrences, particularly past painful experiences, become a part of your fears that want to haunt all present and future happenings. But I desire to digest these fears that my enemy has fed me no longer. They are lies, and I serve and have been saved by the God of truth.
Things are changing. I have been told that I do not handle change well. That is also a lie. I handle change healthily like every person should: with struggling adjustment. But I have realized tonight that I want things to return back to something they will never return to. It's a hard reality. But it is better that I should realize reality rather than fight for something that will never happen. Things look different than they did last year. Relationships have developed from where they were last year. And this next year marks my final turn of pages in the chapter of Spring Arbor University in my life. One year from now, I will not be in a dorm building (apartment building, whatever) with people. I will either be in my sister's basement, in my house, in Grand Rapids with Liv and Marissa, or somewhere that I have not even been able to imagine as a possibility yet. In all of these options, the number of people within my immediate reach is drastically reduced. And that scares me. And many of my friends have found or are finding someone who they can spend time with who will safeguard them from being alone. This also scares me, partially because I am unsure that I have one myself, and also simply because in my mind, that automatically means that my friends have someone they can replace me with and will no longer need me or notice any kind of absence when I'm gone. But I'll still need them. I miss people deeply. I have visions of me sitting in a basement, missing people to death who don't even remember that I'm gone anymore. After all, people have moved on from me quickly in the past right? What will keep them from doing it again? And even further down the road, I am very afraid of being absolutely alone because I anticipate surviving my immediate family by many more years than most others.
So these are the demons I face. And they have plagued me since I was a young 4th grader who saw that the only time her family fought was the same time that someone who meant a lot to her left forever. They've plagued me since I was the 16-year-old girl who cried herself to sleep on the couch for a few weeks because a 16-year-old boy lied and said there wasn't anyone else. They've plagued me when these circumstances have repeated themselves. And they've been plaguing me in every situation that has an opportunity to have the same results. School. Camp. Family. Closest friends. Anywhere. They cause me to go in a shell that's not easy to get out of. A shell that requires knocking and prodding. A shell that pushes others who could hurt me away. A shell that makes me someone I don't want to be. A shell that I do not want to wear anymore.
Enough is enough. Yes, I've been hurt. But I have not been created to hold onto the chains of scars that my enemy gives me to carry with me everywhere I go. It is for freedom that I have been saved. I am not unwanted. I am not unloved. I am not garbage that deserves to be left behind. I am not a photograph that will be discarded and then turn up in an old attic someday. These things are true. I am not unforgettable. This is also true. Most people at Spring Arbor will probably forget me at some point. I'd like to hold onto as many as I can for as long as I can. Truly, I would, and I will if they let me and also hold on too. But people adjust, as they should. And they will adjust to life without me. This does not mean that I am incapable of having lasting significance. That is probably the biggest lie I battle.
I can read too far into things because of my demons. I am also more sensitive to shifts that really are happening because of my demons. But the fact of the matter is is that God has plans for me. Big plans. Significant plans. Plans to prosper. My definition of prosperous is different from His. But regardless, His plans are to mold me into the best person that I can be for His glory and to give me the best life I can in light of His mercy. But I can't do that if I am constantly wondering if people really love me like they say they do. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are going to leave me. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are figuring out how to move on from me. I can't do that if I am constantly expecting to end up alone and forgotten as some dog lady. God has plans for me. God will provide my daily bread for me, whether it's physical bread, or the physical presence of a friend. God will be there with me. I will not be alone.
This is step one of the dismantling of my demons I suppose. Honesty. This is where I'm at guys. I'm struggling with feeling significant in a lot of people's lives right now. And I usually am. Those voices are constantly going on in my head. I hear things you may not directly say or even mean at all. But today I am acknowledging that they exist, that they do not indicate that I am emotionally or mentally ill, and that they are beatable. And I'm also acknowledging that I need help. So here it goes. Project "Send Kelsey's 'Fear of Loneliness' Demons Back to Hell" is commenced. To hell, with you, you demons. I am loved and I am victorious. And some day, I will not fear that every person I love is going to find a way to leave me.
(To clarify, in this entire post, I did not refer to my demons in the context that I think I am demon possessed. I am not nor do I think I am. But I have a prowling and scheming enemy who has been trapping me for too long. And it's time I face him head on. It's time I dive deep into what makes me feel the way that I do and figure out how to rewire my brain and renew my mind so I no longer jump to those feelings. It's gonna hurt and be hard. So please be praying.)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Not for the faint of heart
As I am getting deeper into my major, I am realizing how devastating my life has the potential to be. I just read a chapter on sex trafficking. It breaks my heart every time. As it should. Yet the most I've done about it is writing a 23 page research paper on it, refrained from buying chocolate a few times, and purchased a $34 pack of merchandise that is supposed to fund education for victims or something. I have felt a possible tug on my heart to really get involved in it, but it's such a daunting task. It would mean having a broken heart every day. It could possibly mean leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country and learning a new language, eating foreign foods, being immersed in a culture completely different from my own, for years and years. And right now, I am getting nervous to spend 3 weeks in Guatemala. But it's what I would want someone else to do if I was stuck in a different world, in a different, hopeless, harrowing situation. I could help. Does that mean I should? Does that mean I will? Does that mean that's where God is calling me?
One of the things that really caught me off guard was this little section:
Shortly after the operation (he's speaking of the operation where they rescued a girl named Elisabeth from a brothel that she was forced into) I was sitting at my desk when one of my staff members showed me a picture of a wall inside the tiny room where Elisabeth had been locked up at the brothel. There was something written on the wall in tiny letters, and I asked a coworker to translate it for me. It was Psalm 27:1-3. "The Lord is my light and my salvation -- so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident." Elisabeth had written these words on the wall of her room, a visible reminder of her daily prayer for God to rescue her form the brothel.(Zealous Love by Mike and Danae Yankoski) Can you imagine? Seriously, I think either my biggest fear or certainly on the list of Top 3 biggest fears in my life, is being raped. For this girl, that fear was a reality time after time, night after night. And she could still ask questions like "Why should I be afraid?" and statements such as "The Lord is my light," and "My heart will not be afraid." I feel as though if I were in that situation, I would almost find this verse to be a mockery of my life. Gah. This kind of stuff. Evil. Prevalent evil. It's so disheartening. And so frustrating. Why can't we just treat each other well? Why can't we see that wrong is wrong? Why is it so hard and complicated to make it right? These are the thoughts that I am going to bed with tonight. And these kinds of thoughts will probably be normal for me to go to bed with throughout my entire career. Joy. But truly. Someone needs to hurt and someone needs to act. *nervous gulp* Here I am Lord. Send me...
Sunday, September 4, 2011
So this new format.... kinda weird....
I'm not sure I like it. This giant white box is kind of intimidating. Plus it will also trick me into thinking I haven't written that much, so I'll write more, which is NOT a trick I need to be tricked with. But whatever. There is no turning back.
So my August flew like Augusts usually do. At least I made it through this last one with a lot less grief. Quite literally. My internship was truly pretty amazing. I gained a huge respect for my church. Yeah, it's got it's hangups, but all people groups and institutions and organizations do. It takes a lot of work to make a church and it's parts run. And there are so many interesting and broken but beautiful people and groups at my church. I just love those Eve's Angels, and I was very surprised by the refugees too. When I found out that Bruce really wanted me to work with them a lot, I wasn't that thrilled, I think mostly because I was afraid. It's intimidating to work with people who you don't understand and whose culture is the complete opposite from yours. I didn't want to offend them, and I didn't think of them as a people group on my heart. But after working with them and being in their homes and seeing their lives, I really kinda fell for them. They're beautiful people, and most people are if you actually try to get to know them. I cannot imagine being 40, spending 17 years of my life in a bamboo hut in a refugee camp, and then being thrown in the middle of America, where I don't know the language or the system, where people don't want to be patient enough to understand me, and being expected to know how to live. But lots of them have maintained relatively positive outlooks. And like I said, they are real, loving people. I had my first encounter with Hinduism, including a Hindu priest who travels around the world to bless people. Accidentally interrupted one of his services. And also had my first real encounter with idols. I don't think I've ever really seen an idol. Like physical idol. And I saw an entire shrine of them. Very interesting. But anyways....
I was also able to reorganize a disaster of a household items closet for the refugees. I was able to come up with a new system that should hopefully make the incoming and outgoing of food pantry items easier. And redid the sheet that they give to all the people that come in to the church office, looking for help. It hadn't been redone since like, 2000, so I was really proud of that. Through this internship, I felt a sense of ownership, which was cool. And I have realized that we often operate from a viewpoint of "well what can this church do for me?" rather than "what can I do to help this church?" So overall, it was a positive experience, and I am kind of wishing there was such a thing as a church social worker. You would get to work with SO many different kinds of people, especially inner city churches. Idk. It was just really neat.
And now, we're getting ready to head back to SAU. For one last time. It's so weird. And it hasn't sunk in yet. It probably won't until this time next year. But this is the last time I will move in to Spring Arbor. This is my last year, my last hurrah. My last chance. I've slowly been barreling my way through all my crap in the garage. I think I'm pretty much done with my garage stuff, which is good. And I've gotten a bunch of new stuff. I am PUMPED for this year, to be honest. I really think my apartment is going to be great. I have some great roommates that I anticipate will hopefully be fairly drama free. And I finally have more space and more independence. No meal plan this year, ladies and gentleman. I have to start cooking for myself. Which I am excited/terrified about. And intramurals this year is gonna be friggen awesome. I'll miss Lauren and Scooter for sure, but I'm back with Kip and Ange and will be with Jess Clarke for the first semester and MAN it's gonna be sweet :) :) :) And I have lighter semesters, including a rock climbing class that I'm taking with Tammera. Gonna be awesome. And idk, there's just lots of good things. I'm cooking up some SAU bucket list items to ensure some adventure. In case I haven't made it clear, I am very excited.
I also want to continue my quest to be a better person. Some people may not see it, or just may choose not to see it, or just haven't been paying attention, but I'm getting better with some stuff. Some fears, to be more exact. Maybe not getting over, but facing. I got my ears pierced, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do. But I love them. Dangly earrings are so much fun! And I went off the zipline, which literally, my first words when I got to the top of the tower to learn how to set up the climbing tower were "I will never jump off this thing." And I jumped off the blob. I have tried to for three years now, and I did it this year, and really, when I got to the top of the tower, it didn't take that long. I actually like thunderstorms in some contexts now. Still working on balloons and fireworks, but I'm not a superhero. I feel somewhat proud of some of the things that I've pushed myself to do. I'm even getting a little better with confrontation. It literally still kinda makes me sick, but I can do it. I'm learning to trust that my real friends aren't going to leave me, despite the fact that some have. But anyways, as Kim, my boss says, "I'm getting betta!"
My next feat.... learning to trust guys. I want to make more guy friends this year. And being more pleasant. I've decided that I am pretty distrustful of guys, and that I hold guys accountable to a more than I hold girls. So.... I'll be working on that.... which will mean facing some demons. That won't be fun.
Well... some goals that I have for this year/my life (I found these in a notebook from when I took Core 300 for Jterm, and feel re-inspired.)
1. Be the best whatever I am that I can be
2. Live a life that preaches Christ
3. Live like I am victorious and loved because I am.
4. Be in tune and intimate with God.
5. See God everywhere in everything in all I do.
K well I need to go. Cuz this looks a lot in the new format, meaning that it's like, a ton. SOooooo here's to a new and final year :) Expecting great things.
So my August flew like Augusts usually do. At least I made it through this last one with a lot less grief. Quite literally. My internship was truly pretty amazing. I gained a huge respect for my church. Yeah, it's got it's hangups, but all people groups and institutions and organizations do. It takes a lot of work to make a church and it's parts run. And there are so many interesting and broken but beautiful people and groups at my church. I just love those Eve's Angels, and I was very surprised by the refugees too. When I found out that Bruce really wanted me to work with them a lot, I wasn't that thrilled, I think mostly because I was afraid. It's intimidating to work with people who you don't understand and whose culture is the complete opposite from yours. I didn't want to offend them, and I didn't think of them as a people group on my heart. But after working with them and being in their homes and seeing their lives, I really kinda fell for them. They're beautiful people, and most people are if you actually try to get to know them. I cannot imagine being 40, spending 17 years of my life in a bamboo hut in a refugee camp, and then being thrown in the middle of America, where I don't know the language or the system, where people don't want to be patient enough to understand me, and being expected to know how to live. But lots of them have maintained relatively positive outlooks. And like I said, they are real, loving people. I had my first encounter with Hinduism, including a Hindu priest who travels around the world to bless people. Accidentally interrupted one of his services. And also had my first real encounter with idols. I don't think I've ever really seen an idol. Like physical idol. And I saw an entire shrine of them. Very interesting. But anyways....
I was also able to reorganize a disaster of a household items closet for the refugees. I was able to come up with a new system that should hopefully make the incoming and outgoing of food pantry items easier. And redid the sheet that they give to all the people that come in to the church office, looking for help. It hadn't been redone since like, 2000, so I was really proud of that. Through this internship, I felt a sense of ownership, which was cool. And I have realized that we often operate from a viewpoint of "well what can this church do for me?" rather than "what can I do to help this church?" So overall, it was a positive experience, and I am kind of wishing there was such a thing as a church social worker. You would get to work with SO many different kinds of people, especially inner city churches. Idk. It was just really neat.
And now, we're getting ready to head back to SAU. For one last time. It's so weird. And it hasn't sunk in yet. It probably won't until this time next year. But this is the last time I will move in to Spring Arbor. This is my last year, my last hurrah. My last chance. I've slowly been barreling my way through all my crap in the garage. I think I'm pretty much done with my garage stuff, which is good. And I've gotten a bunch of new stuff. I am PUMPED for this year, to be honest. I really think my apartment is going to be great. I have some great roommates that I anticipate will hopefully be fairly drama free. And I finally have more space and more independence. No meal plan this year, ladies and gentleman. I have to start cooking for myself. Which I am excited/terrified about. And intramurals this year is gonna be friggen awesome. I'll miss Lauren and Scooter for sure, but I'm back with Kip and Ange and will be with Jess Clarke for the first semester and MAN it's gonna be sweet :) :) :) And I have lighter semesters, including a rock climbing class that I'm taking with Tammera. Gonna be awesome. And idk, there's just lots of good things. I'm cooking up some SAU bucket list items to ensure some adventure. In case I haven't made it clear, I am very excited.
I also want to continue my quest to be a better person. Some people may not see it, or just may choose not to see it, or just haven't been paying attention, but I'm getting better with some stuff. Some fears, to be more exact. Maybe not getting over, but facing. I got my ears pierced, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to do. But I love them. Dangly earrings are so much fun! And I went off the zipline, which literally, my first words when I got to the top of the tower to learn how to set up the climbing tower were "I will never jump off this thing." And I jumped off the blob. I have tried to for three years now, and I did it this year, and really, when I got to the top of the tower, it didn't take that long. I actually like thunderstorms in some contexts now. Still working on balloons and fireworks, but I'm not a superhero. I feel somewhat proud of some of the things that I've pushed myself to do. I'm even getting a little better with confrontation. It literally still kinda makes me sick, but I can do it. I'm learning to trust that my real friends aren't going to leave me, despite the fact that some have. But anyways, as Kim, my boss says, "I'm getting betta!"
My next feat.... learning to trust guys. I want to make more guy friends this year. And being more pleasant. I've decided that I am pretty distrustful of guys, and that I hold guys accountable to a more than I hold girls. So.... I'll be working on that.... which will mean facing some demons. That won't be fun.
Well... some goals that I have for this year/my life (I found these in a notebook from when I took Core 300 for Jterm, and feel re-inspired.)
1. Be the best whatever I am that I can be
2. Live a life that preaches Christ
3. Live like I am victorious and loved because I am.
4. Be in tune and intimate with God.
5. See God everywhere in everything in all I do.
K well I need to go. Cuz this looks a lot in the new format, meaning that it's like, a ton. SOooooo here's to a new and final year :) Expecting great things.
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