Whatever my lot, Oh, teach me to say....

So I apologize for my lack of posting lately. I've had a lot on my mind, a lot that I could have said, but I did not think it wise to share it here. Or anywhere really. It's been turning around inside, which isn't particularly wise either. But what can you do? This last week has been a journey, and not really my favorite kind of journey. But life weaves and winds, and we learn and relearn, and find and re-find. But tonight was something that I needed.

I started out this year empty, broken, and pretty close to lifeless. My heart ached in ways it hadn't before, and I experienced depths of alone that I hadn't experienced before. Then, things got better. God showed me that there were lots of people around me that loved me, and in time, made me aware of HIS presence again too. I found a sort of contentment, a certain sense of peace. But this last week, I have been plagued with an apprehension about what this semester is going to look like. I have been plagued with a fear of not meaning anything to people who mean a lot to me. I need not get into detail, but first semester, God seemed to be teaching me that I wasn't alone and that there's lots of people around me who cared. So far second semester, it seems as though He is teaching me to be okay and content when I am alone and there are no people around. So far, I'm not so good at it. I've always really wanted to mean something to people, and I'm finding that there are different ways you can mean something to people. Sometimes, you have to search for it. Sometimes, you just have to accept that you don't.

Anyways, last night, things seemed to have reached a head and I got in my car and drove around for 2 and a half hours. I drove around Albion, Marshall, Battle Creek, and towards Kalamazoo, listened to some Underoath, What Sarah Says, and random worship songs, and cried some tears and told God that I was not interested in going back to the loneliness I had felt first semester. I got back and felt a little better, but I wouldn't really call it peace.

Tonight, they had WAVE instead of Deeper. God spoke to me in a way that I hadn't been spoken to in awhile. We were in the chapel at SAFMC, which was where my Grandma's funeral was almost 6 months ago. I've been in there since my Grandma's funeral, and that was fine, until they played "It Is Well," which is the song I played at my Grandma's funeral almost 6 months ago. That song in that room was very emotional for me, but it was honestly exactly what I needed. It was kind of like God took me back and showed me where I've been, where I am, and how far we've come. They played "Desert Song" tonight, which had resonated quite a lot in 2010. There were also times that I had no song that resonated with my heart because music had more joy than I could muster. Then He brought me to THAT song in THAT room. I remembered how afraid I was that I was alone and how those were some of my darkest days. But I remembered how God brought me through them. How, in His time, He provided. I was reminded of how far I've come and how much I've learned and how my relationship with Him has deepened. It made me cry, for sure, but it wasn't a terribly sad cry. It was tears of realization. It was tears of victory. It was tears inspired by knowing that the God that provided peace for me when my soul felt lifeless and my heart felt hopeless will provide peace for me this semester too, no matter what happens.

It was also an odd, but beautiful contrast, because we sang that song after communion. The last time I sang that song in that room, I was facing the death of my Grandmother. This time, it was Christ's death that we were commemorating, His body that was broken and overtaken by death as the result of my depraved heart. But tonight, I was given an overwhelming reminder of Christ's victory and His presence. Christ resurrected, and that is what makes all the difference. Christ can bring resurrection and life to any person, any situation, no matter how dark, how desperate, how dead, or how downtrodden. I was reminded of how truly great Christ's love is for me, even through the darkness, and that no matter my lot, God is teaching me to trust that He'll continue to provide, and that it will be well with my soul. He is my Emmanuel. He is what gives my life purpose, value, worth, and meaning. He is what will be in the room with me when everyone else has someone else to be with. He is the God that gives us the opportunity for contentment and peace, no matter the circumstance. I pray He continues to teach me what that looks like.

I realized tonight that I haven't really thanked God much for what He's done in my life this year and how's He's proven Himself faithful once again. I went to my Grandmother's grave and got on my knees and cried much like I did in September, October, even in November. Though I did remember the tears I shed with my family when I watched my Grandma's chest stop rising, and I remembered the bitter tears that I cried the weeks after from that very same spot, but I shed very different tears tonight. First semester, I sat on my knees in tears at my Grandma's grave, saying "Why'd you leave me here, God? Why did you do this? Why am I alone?" Tonight, the only thoughts that came to my head as I sat in the exact same place with tears in my eyes were "Thank you, Jesus." Praise God for the holy darkness. Praise Him because He comes through. Praise Him because He brought me through and refuses to leave me where I think it's safest to stay.

He reminded me of all that tonight. My journey through loneliness, and His provision of faithfulness. For the first night in quite a few weeks, I have peace. I'm not sure if it's here to stay, but nonetheless, praise God, tonight, I do have peace.