Manna is a helluva drug

So this week was pretty crazy busy. But I survived. Enjoyed a couch and football/movie Saturday. It was what I needed. Had some good time with Bean. Had a good chat with Lauren today. Michigan State won, which was super exciting, but that's about all I have to say for my teams this weekend. Contemplating taking a nap right now cuz there's not much better to do.

Life is just kinda weird these days. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at. I'm feeling pretty ready to graduate, pretty ready to get out of here. I didn't foresee feeling that at all really. It's also weird because I don't know what next anything looks like. I don't know how next semester is going to be. I don't know what next summer is going to be. I don't know what next year is going to be. This is the most open-ended my life has ever been. It's freeing but paralyzing at the same time. I'm trying to find my place here again. I thought I would have known it by now but I don't. At the same time, I'm also getting ready to be displaced here. It's almost a little Limbo-ish feeling. Not really a fan? But still not miserable? I dunno. I just don't know.

Grow a pair! And chill out!

I don't know if this is like a Christian campus thing, or what, but I am SICK TO DEATH of the guys on this campus right now! Well maybe not sick to death but.... actually no. It's completely true. I am just so frustrated!

Let me lay out this scenario that has been repeated over and over again in my life recently:

I have an acquaintance who happens to be of the male gender. I see him in chapel. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him walking through the plaza. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him in the student center. He waves and smiles and says hi. Perhaps we even share some small talk a time or two on common commutes between Point A and Point B. These are mutual waves, smiles, greetings, and small talks, meaning they are not just driven and instigated and initiated by me. So I think, "This guy seems nice, and we say hi all the time. We should probably be friends past waving, smiling, and greeting." So I drop a little facebook wall post, or perhaps even a text of "Hey, we should hang out sometime." ........silence.......... and the waves, smiles, and greetings continue, but no friendship past acquaintance ever forms.

For the love of St. Patrick, I just want guy friends. I've never really had many guy friends, and I would like a little more balance of testosterone and estrogen in my life. I don't want to jump into a marriage. I don't want a ring by spring. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship. I don't even want to jump into a non-serious dating relationship! I just want guy friends! Friends. FRIENDSHIP!!!! But when I say "let's hang out," they hear "I already have the wedding planned and an order in for business cards with my first name and your last name on them. Our children will be beautiful, hope you don't mind I named them all already. Don't worry, one is named after your father whose name I found by creeping on your facebook wall." And then they don't respond!!!!! I thought guys got frustrated because girls always have hidden messages in what they say and get mad when guys don't read into them. This has no hidden message. I want to hang out. Pure. Simple. Innocent. Genuine. Hanging out. What in the blazes am I supposed to do? What, am I supposed to write on a guys' facebook wall and say "Hey, acquaintance. Let's hang out sometime. Oh and just to clarify right off the bat, I'm not interested in dating you." If so, that is ridiculous. First of all, because lots of the guys I want to hang out with and get to know, I would not completely rule out dating them perhaps somewhere in the distant future if the friendship was strong and the time was right. Because, crazy I know, I want to be friends with quality, nice guys. Quality, nice guys, also compose potential dating material IN THE DISTANT FUTURE!!!! Even in light of that super hypothetical situation, when I want to hang out with a guy, it's not because I'm already planning on how we're going to end up together. I just want to get to know new people because I like getting to know new people. I want some guy friends who aren't my girl friends' guy friends or my girl friends' boyfriends, but just my very own guy friends. But because my motives are questioned, I don't even get that chance. The men on this campus need to buck up and chill out!

I am so tired of getting blown off and ignored. I'm tired of not even being given a chance. I mean, I know I'm not God's gift to hottness, but it's not like I'm the poster child for bag ladies either. There's no reason for a guy to run away with his tail between his legs when I pursue a friendship with them, even if they believe there is some small chance I may be interested in them. I just want a chance. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong : (

Well that's enough whining about men for now. But for real. Any enlightenment at all... let me know.

It's blog time

So... haven't blogged in almost a month. Nbd. How has my battle gone since that last blog? Ehhhh....... Not great. Could be worse. Could definitely be better. Satan's still a' been attacking, and God's still a' been a' teachin.' And I've still a' been throwing tantrums and "I don't get it's," (I do not know how to properly punctuate that there chunk of sentence) and trying to figure my way through the ebbs so I'm better at going with the flow. But a weekend home with a little Livia time and a little sisters and niece and nephew time, and some good Momma time was just what the docta ordered.

I'm not sure why I'm talking (typing?) so weird. I just watched this funny dude named Brad do drum covers and he made me a little spicy sassy weird. I don't really know what that means. But I will totally take spicy sassy weird right now. (youtube AdventureDrums if you're curious. I freakin want ninja turtle drums).

This last week... was a week. But all is good. Perspective is rearranging. Working some things out in my strong-headed noggin. It's all. Gonna be. Okay. This. Right here. Is my. Swag. (Seriously. About that spicy sassy weird thing....) But yeah. Gonna step up my game. Gonna cope like I always do. I got this. I GOT THIS!!!

Last night I went to a wedding. It was interesting. I guess I didn't really go to a wedding. It was an "intimate ceremony" so not many were invited. I think they got married naked or something. But we were invited and went to the reception, and it was alright. A little awkward? But whatever. Then Liv and I came back to Lansing and watched The Office and made it through roughly 4 minutes of Up. This morning, Liv went home and I went to my niece and nephew's last flag football game with my parents and sisters. They won. We went to my sister's house for a bit and watched some football and I played a little street hockey with the neighborhood kids. They told me that I looked more like an 18-year-old than a 21-year-old. Figures. Then I came home and the Big 10 played with my heart. Both Northwestern and Ohio looked good and I was hoping for some recently inflated UofM egos to be readjusted, and for the Huskers to get a nice 0-2 welcome to the Big 10, but alas, no luck. Comebacks are overrated, unless they're for my teams, like the Lions for instance. Then they're awesome. And now the Tigers are playing with my heart like the rain is playing with Arlington. But that's how it goes. I did not realize until this year how stinking intense baseball is! Gah! Talk about high blood pressure!

This game, that Oliver so kindly informed me was back on like my oxymoronic "smart" phone was SUPPOSED to do, is messing with my plans a little too. I was gonna watch a movie, listen to a riverview sermon, and call it a day. But now I gotta watch this game! Ay ya... I'm not feeling hopeful. But I will watch anyway. And that's enough for this blog. 

BYEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (said like 4:23 in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75qsb_JQgA&feature=channel_video_title)