Well, today was THAT day. That day that marked the one year anniversary of the hardest day of my life thus far. I'm not sure what I think of it.
I woke up, checked facebook and immediately went to all the facebook pages of my relatives to see what they had posted. Several of them had posted something. I think I started crying at that point. Then I listened to "What Sarah Said." Cried some more. Then I listened to "August Flies," and cried some more. Then I cried some more. Then I texted my mommy and she told me to come to the church so we could go out for lunch. So I got dressed, pulled myself together, and went. We went to Paneras and kind of talked about it. A headache had developed from the crying before, so I went home, got a tylenol, and then went to the church.
I finished measuring curtains (though I just now realized I haven't blogged since the end of camp. So I haven't really mentioned my internship at all, let alone measuring curtains) and then typed up a couple lists for the Refugee closet, and then went and picked Livia up. She leaves Wednesday for GVSU, so I'm trying to get some hang out time in. I didn't want to leave my Mom by herself tonight, though I think it was harder on me than her. Liv and I just kinda bummed around. We watched TV and then went to WalMart and then watched more tv and then I took her home. Rather uneventful. But still the company was a comfort.
Overall, besides the crying in the morning, the day wasn't as bad as I was fearing. That had to do with a lot of "Thinking of you today," texts and other such things. I have good friends. It really did mean so much to me. I hate asking for help, or asking people to think of me on hard days, and I didn't have to do that today. I was afraid I would, or that I would just not get any because I'd be too stubborn to tell people I was hurting or needed to be thought of. But my friends are good :) Today did bring back flashbacks to that day.... watching her heartbeat monitor to make sure it was still beating, crying a lot, seeing her smile and hearing her barely make out the word "heaven," remembering when she squinted at me real hard to see who I was and then when she recognized me, nodding her head, even pooping in the hospital, "eating" in the cafeteria (I had no appetite) singing songs with my family to usher her into heaven, those final moments, realizing she was gone, pacing and going outside to that pretty little garden thing with the bench by the parking lot to get fresh air so I didn't hyperventilate from crying so much and so hard, holding her hand....
I didn't mind being a little sad today. Like a told a few people, sadness lets me know I haven't forgotten her. I don't want to forget her. In some ways, I think a little sadness honors her. However, I did get swung back into the guilt a little too, and I don't think that honors her, or helps me any. I have regrets. I do. But there's nothing I can do to change them. I wish I had visited her more. I wish I had been a better granddaughter than dropping off my laundry and accepting her $20 bills. I wish I had called her back in July. I wish I wouldn't have assumed that I had more time. I wish I had recorded that voicemail she left me. I wish I had given her that dumb flower. I wish I could remember the last time I hugged her. But I didn't. And I can't. But she loved me. I hope she knew how much I loved her. Sometimes I can't help but think that if she had known better how much I loved her, she would have fought harder and not been so ready to go. Those are some of the thoughts that plagued me today. Those are the ones I hope don't stay long.
I reread my note that I wrote in November. It was good to read. I still miss my Grandma a lot. But she's everywhere, and it doesn't make my heart heavy to see her around me anymore. She's in the pillows I sleep with every night. She's with me wherever I go in the car that I drive that she gave to me. She'll be in my apartment with her couch and microwave and probably some dishes and stuff too. She's with me when I say "ouch ouch," exactly like she did when I stub my toe or something. I can still remember what her voice sounded like and what her laugh sounded like. I still tear up thinking about her, but like I said, it honors her. And if I can honor her better by being a little sad and missing her after she's gone than I did before she left, then I'm gonna do that.
Love you Grandma. Can't believe it's been a whole year... I'm gonna go to bed and listen to the Lullaby tape that we always watched, sitting in your lap in your rocking chair every time I spent the night at your house. Miss you...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Recco's Week
Ya know, I don't know if that's actually how you spell Recco. I feel like it could be one of those things that Kim has been spelling wrong for forever and just continues to do so. Like how she spells Water Todder. It's totally Water Totter. But anyways..
Recco's week is such a difficult thing to describe. It's rewarding and challenging and hard and the best and I don't know. It's always what brings me back. This year felt a little different though.
Brief background: Recco is a social worker from Flint who runs a program for kids in the Inner City area. A lot of them are from Foster Care situations, and lots of them are just troubled. At camp, we take as many as we can through a scholarship program, this year it was 140 (which was much more than any other group we had this summer) ranging from age 5 to 18, and do camp.
It started off awful. Kim and Angel had some bee in their bonnet, and they decided the only way to get it out was to literally scare everyone into thinking that they were going to get fired or had to come up with something to confess. That was just annoying to me. I don't like starting the most emotionally draining week with freaking everyone out, myself included. It was awful and awkward. Especially for my dear B, who volunteered to come in and get paid to help me out with music and stuff. She's gonna hate me for this, but quote of the week... *after Monday morning staff meeting after two members had just confessed to holding hands and kissing in the field* "So Kels.... your camp.... kinda weird..." I was irked because they had been letting people get away with stuff (not that they were really big things) all summer, and then all of the sudden on the last week decided to go A-wall and yell at everyone and then also destroy everyone's confidence. But it fizzled, THANK GOD, after the first couple days. Once that ended, things got a lot better. Sort of.
Because my brain works the way it does, I have to break the week up into components to describe it. So, try to stick with me...
Just overall, the week is a challenge. The kids are so easy to love, but at the same time, so difficult to deal with. The little boys especially for me. I realize that sounds really creepy. But all of the kids are just so hungry for love. Like really, there were so many times that week that I was about to fall over because so many of the boys were huggin on me. My two favorites were Devonte and Kaydin. Devonte and I go way back. He was in a cabin that I was not assigned to but helped with a lot my first year. He remembered me last year and I think was really touched that I remembered his name, so he always gave me a hug. It was the same this year too. I actually didn't even see him til Monday or Tuesday, but as soon as he saw me, he ran over and gave me a big hug. He just wanted my arm, my presence. Someone who he knew cared. And there were many times where I knew his cabin was up in chaos, and he would run over to me and just give me a hug, or scoot over quick and sit by me in chapel because I think he knew I was safe to be around. I didn't get a picture with him, and I'm really sad about that. But the last night of chapel, he gave his heart to Christ. I think. I'm not sure he fully knew what was going on. He may have. I know he did know that he wanted to stop fighting for Satan's team and start fighting for God's team. I'll just have to continue to pray that people will be put into his life who can continuously and constantly show him what that means. I know statistics aren't good for him, but I also believe in the power of prayer. And then there was Kaydin. He's 6. And a total handful. And he's cute and he knows it. But the whole week, he was calling me his future wife. He came up to me one day and said "Will you be my future wife?" and I said "Sure." then I asked him how many people he had asked that and he said "I dunno." and ran away. But every time he saw me, I would hear a "Hey future wife!" or even a "Hey there future hunny," and then he would run and jump in my arms. Little stinker even kissed me on the cheek a couple times, haha. But he is just adorable. The kids individually are adorable and fun and cute, but when there's 10 or more of them in a cabin, they get really hard to manage. But I definitely connected with way more kids during Recco's week than I did the whole rest of the summer. There were so many times when I wished there were more of me, because so many cabins needed extra help. But we did what we could with what we had, and I was proud of my staff during Recco's week.
The past two years, I've been paired with boys cabins. Both years, I think they were either upper elementary or early-middle-school aged. And I didn't connect as well with those boys, though I did learn last year that they respect you more after you beat them in a race. This year, I was paired with the middle school girls, which I wasn't thrilled about at first to be honest. It meant I had to sleep in a cabin, which I selfishly didn't really want to do, and I wasn't sure at all how I would be able to bond with the middle school girls. I think it was the best cabin I've ever been in. The first day or so, I didn't even see the girls because I was so busy, but I came in during cabin time on Monday and started to get to know them a little. They nick-named me Keke, which was fun. But I also got to share my testimony about this last year with the girls, and especially with one girl, Anna, I know it meant something. I was so humbled that God used my testimony, my crap, my pain, to help someone else. It made it all make a little more sense to me for the first time. And I got to see how God can make beauty from dust. I also played guitar almost every night for the girls, and I think they really liked that. I didn't get to talk with many of them a lot, but those girls ending up meaning so much more to me than I had ever expected, and I think they liked me too. I wish I could have been there more, especially for Stacey's sake. But the last night, they had made us a card, and they gave it to us, and it was just like the coolest thing ever to me. Normally I have to save weird things to remember campers, like a short piece of string with 4 beads on it that they gave me or something. But this was a card that had all their names written in it, and how they appreciated us and camp and everything, and for someone, a blue someone like me, it really meant a lot to me.
And now, for my favorite part of Recco's week: chapel. I wish all of you could have seen the change from Sunday night to Thursday night. I wish you call could have watched the growth. And for those of you that did, I wish you could see it again. The group was split into two: older, and younger, which makes lots of things easier. So I'll start off with the younger kids. They actually weren't too bad with chapel. Well with music anyway. From the get go, they were pretty good about participating and doing the motions songs, and at least engaging in the slower songs too. They got pretty chatty and antsy during the speaking part, but Wednesday night, Angel had them all sit down and had the counselors close their eyes, and they sang "Here I Am To Worship," by themselves. The guitar was unplugged and Liv didn't sing in the mic. It was just their voices, and it was beautiful. I recorded it on my phone and just now discovered how to get it on my iTunes. So I can listen whenever I want to. But it was truly touching hearing those voices, knowing the horrifying background stories behind many of them, singing "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you're my God." And many of the kids stood up the last night when Angel had her sort of Recco's-kids-version of an alter call. They're a tough bunch of kids, but that hunger for good is there.
The older kids chapel is just what blew me away. The first night, to say I was disheartened would be a bit of an understatement. The first night is always hard. But with motions songs, all I got was tons of people trying to talk over the music, eye rolls, and crossed arms. A few clappers. Basically no participation. And the one "slow song" I did that was more of a medium, was just talked over. The second day wasn't much better. The guys started participating, I think just to humor me, but the girls still did their whole arms crossed thing, and no one was really singing. I finally did "You Are Good," and I could actually hear them singing, but other than that, most of them were just trying to talk to each other or start stuff in the back. Around Tuesday night, I was just at a loss. It seemed to me like I was just boring them or annoying them. And I didn't want to do that. But I didn't know what to do. Any songs with motions got claps maybe, and a few motions, but mostly "I'm too cool for this" attitudes, which I understand, because these kids especially are stripped of a childhood. But anytime I did a slower song without motions, they just talked over it. It didn't seem like they really wanted to have worship, and I didn't want to shove it down their throats, but I didn't really have an option, and nothing seemed to be working. It was especially difficult because I was leading from the drums, so I felt weird trying to talk between. I was about to, when Angel came up after we had sung Never Let Go, and she basically told them not to blow off the songs, but to pay attention to the words. To think about how God hadn't let go of them in the last year. How maybe they made it through something really hard, or maybe their grades had gotten a little better. And after that spiel, they took it more seriously. I finally got to a point where I had discovered the like, 3 motions songs they hated the least, and I rotated the songs that I felt were more their kind of genre, and a few of the slower songs that had words that I really wanted them to have. Also, the speaker, John, is just an amazing man. He's not the most amazing speaker, but his amazing heart totally made up for it. Those kids needed an earnest, loving, sincere heart over a great speaker that didn't really care to get to know them better anyway.
Thursday, I knew John had big plans. He spoke at teen challenge, and he wanted to do the rock thing with them. I knew these kids had some awful big rocks to cast. So I was just lookking forward to Thursday night chapel the whole time. But Thursday through the day, Satan fought HARD. The kids were tired and grumpy, and during their group counseling session time, they came out way more stirred up and ticked than they were before. There were problems all day. Kids were fighting, there were attitude problems. I knew God wanted big things, and it was easy to me to see that Satan obviously wanted to use whatever He could to distract the kids. So I immediately began praying. I went to the boathouse before swim time, and Tiff, Tammera, Ben, B, and I think one other got in a circle and prayed together. I also texted my mom and told her to get everyone in the church office to pray too, so she did. And she also went to Eve's Angels that night and they prayed there too. It felt great knowing that my strippers were praying for my inner city kids. I truly love my life. And sure enough, even though Satan was fighting hard the whole day, chapel was different. Almost all of the kids participated in the motions songs and they were having fun, and as soon as we hit the serious songs, not only did they pay attention and transition well, but I could not hear Olivia or B's voices through the microphones because they were singing so loud and sincerely. All I could hear was the kids with the biggest burdens I've seen, singing "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God, You are higher than any other, Our God is healer, awesome in power, OUR God. OUR God," and "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" and "You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, you have saved me" and "Let Your name be lifted higher," and the most touching to me, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us." Seriously. God blew the roof off. It was the most incredible thing I have ever been able to be a part of. When we finished, I went outside, fell to my knees, and sobbed. All I could say was "Thank you, God. Thank you, God." I was expecting big, but I hadn't been expecting that. I also realized that I hadn't been on my knees, sobbing like that, since the time I had spent in September at my Grandmother's grave, shaking my fists and asking Him why He had left me there alone. It was this huge compilation of gratitude and freedom and humbleness and a realization of God's faithfulness. Seriously incredible. I wish everyone could see it, and I wish everyone who saw it could see it again. I can't wait to rent that movie in heaven. After a good cry and a call to my mother to tell her of what God had done, I went back in in time for John to dismiss the groups to go throw their rocks. They had the boys go first and the girls stay, which was genius, so I played guitar and B and I sang for the girls while they waited. And God was so obviously moving, it was incredible. The faces that I had seen trying to maintain their tough and hard image had melted. The girls who I thought would just tune God out forever were obviously touched by what was happening. They were all hugging each other, crying, singing along to the songs, praying with each other. Seriously incredible. Then they went and threw their rocks. Some girls from our cabin told Stacey that they had walked back and talked with a couple girls from some other cabins, and they all commented on how when they threw their rocks, their burdens, into the lake, they physically felt lighter. They felt a weight lift. I just stood amazed in the presence of my God in the lives of those kids who my heart beats hardest for. Out of all 3 years, this was the most visible the movement of God has ever been with those kids. I wish I could describe how beautiful it was or how much that night will forever mean in my heart.
I know those kids went right back home to hard. But I just pray that their time at Covenant Hills will give them a reference point where they can say "God spoke to me. I know He's real." I've had my own reference points at Covenant Hills Camp. Family Camp 2005 was the summer where I could point back and say "I felt God there." CHC 2009 was the reference point where I said "God made an immediate difference of victory in my life." I just pray that they won't be able to forget that night when God showed up so big. That when it gets hard, they can look back and remember. It won't fix everything. Not even close. But I pray so hard that they can hold on tightly to that reference point. And I also pray that God will put someone or something in each and every one of their lives that will remind them what they learned and will continue to teach them to grow in God's truth. That they will learn that God is not only stronger at CHC, but wherever they go, whatever they face.
So that's Recco's week. Obviously a lenghty post. And I could go on forever. But like I said, that week is my heart. It's the reason I go back for 3 years. Not only because it is difficult and because I like a challenge, but because nothing can beat seeing what it looks like when a heart that's been starved of love and truth, is filled. It's not quite as apparent with some of the other weeks. But it is when I feel most in the middle of the heat of the biggest battle that Christ is raging for broken, lost hearts. And I love seeing Satan get defeated.
Recco's week is such a difficult thing to describe. It's rewarding and challenging and hard and the best and I don't know. It's always what brings me back. This year felt a little different though.
Brief background: Recco is a social worker from Flint who runs a program for kids in the Inner City area. A lot of them are from Foster Care situations, and lots of them are just troubled. At camp, we take as many as we can through a scholarship program, this year it was 140 (which was much more than any other group we had this summer) ranging from age 5 to 18, and do camp.
It started off awful. Kim and Angel had some bee in their bonnet, and they decided the only way to get it out was to literally scare everyone into thinking that they were going to get fired or had to come up with something to confess. That was just annoying to me. I don't like starting the most emotionally draining week with freaking everyone out, myself included. It was awful and awkward. Especially for my dear B, who volunteered to come in and get paid to help me out with music and stuff. She's gonna hate me for this, but quote of the week... *after Monday morning staff meeting after two members had just confessed to holding hands and kissing in the field* "So Kels.... your camp.... kinda weird..." I was irked because they had been letting people get away with stuff (not that they were really big things) all summer, and then all of the sudden on the last week decided to go A-wall and yell at everyone and then also destroy everyone's confidence. But it fizzled, THANK GOD, after the first couple days. Once that ended, things got a lot better. Sort of.
Because my brain works the way it does, I have to break the week up into components to describe it. So, try to stick with me...
Just overall, the week is a challenge. The kids are so easy to love, but at the same time, so difficult to deal with. The little boys especially for me. I realize that sounds really creepy. But all of the kids are just so hungry for love. Like really, there were so many times that week that I was about to fall over because so many of the boys were huggin on me. My two favorites were Devonte and Kaydin. Devonte and I go way back. He was in a cabin that I was not assigned to but helped with a lot my first year. He remembered me last year and I think was really touched that I remembered his name, so he always gave me a hug. It was the same this year too. I actually didn't even see him til Monday or Tuesday, but as soon as he saw me, he ran over and gave me a big hug. He just wanted my arm, my presence. Someone who he knew cared. And there were many times where I knew his cabin was up in chaos, and he would run over to me and just give me a hug, or scoot over quick and sit by me in chapel because I think he knew I was safe to be around. I didn't get a picture with him, and I'm really sad about that. But the last night of chapel, he gave his heart to Christ. I think. I'm not sure he fully knew what was going on. He may have. I know he did know that he wanted to stop fighting for Satan's team and start fighting for God's team. I'll just have to continue to pray that people will be put into his life who can continuously and constantly show him what that means. I know statistics aren't good for him, but I also believe in the power of prayer. And then there was Kaydin. He's 6. And a total handful. And he's cute and he knows it. But the whole week, he was calling me his future wife. He came up to me one day and said "Will you be my future wife?" and I said "Sure." then I asked him how many people he had asked that and he said "I dunno." and ran away. But every time he saw me, I would hear a "Hey future wife!" or even a "Hey there future hunny," and then he would run and jump in my arms. Little stinker even kissed me on the cheek a couple times, haha. But he is just adorable. The kids individually are adorable and fun and cute, but when there's 10 or more of them in a cabin, they get really hard to manage. But I definitely connected with way more kids during Recco's week than I did the whole rest of the summer. There were so many times when I wished there were more of me, because so many cabins needed extra help. But we did what we could with what we had, and I was proud of my staff during Recco's week.
The past two years, I've been paired with boys cabins. Both years, I think they were either upper elementary or early-middle-school aged. And I didn't connect as well with those boys, though I did learn last year that they respect you more after you beat them in a race. This year, I was paired with the middle school girls, which I wasn't thrilled about at first to be honest. It meant I had to sleep in a cabin, which I selfishly didn't really want to do, and I wasn't sure at all how I would be able to bond with the middle school girls. I think it was the best cabin I've ever been in. The first day or so, I didn't even see the girls because I was so busy, but I came in during cabin time on Monday and started to get to know them a little. They nick-named me Keke, which was fun. But I also got to share my testimony about this last year with the girls, and especially with one girl, Anna, I know it meant something. I was so humbled that God used my testimony, my crap, my pain, to help someone else. It made it all make a little more sense to me for the first time. And I got to see how God can make beauty from dust. I also played guitar almost every night for the girls, and I think they really liked that. I didn't get to talk with many of them a lot, but those girls ending up meaning so much more to me than I had ever expected, and I think they liked me too. I wish I could have been there more, especially for Stacey's sake. But the last night, they had made us a card, and they gave it to us, and it was just like the coolest thing ever to me. Normally I have to save weird things to remember campers, like a short piece of string with 4 beads on it that they gave me or something. But this was a card that had all their names written in it, and how they appreciated us and camp and everything, and for someone, a blue someone like me, it really meant a lot to me.
And now, for my favorite part of Recco's week: chapel. I wish all of you could have seen the change from Sunday night to Thursday night. I wish you call could have watched the growth. And for those of you that did, I wish you could see it again. The group was split into two: older, and younger, which makes lots of things easier. So I'll start off with the younger kids. They actually weren't too bad with chapel. Well with music anyway. From the get go, they were pretty good about participating and doing the motions songs, and at least engaging in the slower songs too. They got pretty chatty and antsy during the speaking part, but Wednesday night, Angel had them all sit down and had the counselors close their eyes, and they sang "Here I Am To Worship," by themselves. The guitar was unplugged and Liv didn't sing in the mic. It was just their voices, and it was beautiful. I recorded it on my phone and just now discovered how to get it on my iTunes. So I can listen whenever I want to. But it was truly touching hearing those voices, knowing the horrifying background stories behind many of them, singing "Here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, here I am to say that you're my God." And many of the kids stood up the last night when Angel had her sort of Recco's-kids-version of an alter call. They're a tough bunch of kids, but that hunger for good is there.
The older kids chapel is just what blew me away. The first night, to say I was disheartened would be a bit of an understatement. The first night is always hard. But with motions songs, all I got was tons of people trying to talk over the music, eye rolls, and crossed arms. A few clappers. Basically no participation. And the one "slow song" I did that was more of a medium, was just talked over. The second day wasn't much better. The guys started participating, I think just to humor me, but the girls still did their whole arms crossed thing, and no one was really singing. I finally did "You Are Good," and I could actually hear them singing, but other than that, most of them were just trying to talk to each other or start stuff in the back. Around Tuesday night, I was just at a loss. It seemed to me like I was just boring them or annoying them. And I didn't want to do that. But I didn't know what to do. Any songs with motions got claps maybe, and a few motions, but mostly "I'm too cool for this" attitudes, which I understand, because these kids especially are stripped of a childhood. But anytime I did a slower song without motions, they just talked over it. It didn't seem like they really wanted to have worship, and I didn't want to shove it down their throats, but I didn't really have an option, and nothing seemed to be working. It was especially difficult because I was leading from the drums, so I felt weird trying to talk between. I was about to, when Angel came up after we had sung Never Let Go, and she basically told them not to blow off the songs, but to pay attention to the words. To think about how God hadn't let go of them in the last year. How maybe they made it through something really hard, or maybe their grades had gotten a little better. And after that spiel, they took it more seriously. I finally got to a point where I had discovered the like, 3 motions songs they hated the least, and I rotated the songs that I felt were more their kind of genre, and a few of the slower songs that had words that I really wanted them to have. Also, the speaker, John, is just an amazing man. He's not the most amazing speaker, but his amazing heart totally made up for it. Those kids needed an earnest, loving, sincere heart over a great speaker that didn't really care to get to know them better anyway.
Thursday, I knew John had big plans. He spoke at teen challenge, and he wanted to do the rock thing with them. I knew these kids had some awful big rocks to cast. So I was just lookking forward to Thursday night chapel the whole time. But Thursday through the day, Satan fought HARD. The kids were tired and grumpy, and during their group counseling session time, they came out way more stirred up and ticked than they were before. There were problems all day. Kids were fighting, there were attitude problems. I knew God wanted big things, and it was easy to me to see that Satan obviously wanted to use whatever He could to distract the kids. So I immediately began praying. I went to the boathouse before swim time, and Tiff, Tammera, Ben, B, and I think one other got in a circle and prayed together. I also texted my mom and told her to get everyone in the church office to pray too, so she did. And she also went to Eve's Angels that night and they prayed there too. It felt great knowing that my strippers were praying for my inner city kids. I truly love my life. And sure enough, even though Satan was fighting hard the whole day, chapel was different. Almost all of the kids participated in the motions songs and they were having fun, and as soon as we hit the serious songs, not only did they pay attention and transition well, but I could not hear Olivia or B's voices through the microphones because they were singing so loud and sincerely. All I could hear was the kids with the biggest burdens I've seen, singing "Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God, You are higher than any other, Our God is healer, awesome in power, OUR God. OUR God," and "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us, and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" and "You are stronger, you are stronger, sin is broken, you have saved me" and "Let Your name be lifted higher," and the most touching to me, "He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us." Seriously. God blew the roof off. It was the most incredible thing I have ever been able to be a part of. When we finished, I went outside, fell to my knees, and sobbed. All I could say was "Thank you, God. Thank you, God." I was expecting big, but I hadn't been expecting that. I also realized that I hadn't been on my knees, sobbing like that, since the time I had spent in September at my Grandmother's grave, shaking my fists and asking Him why He had left me there alone. It was this huge compilation of gratitude and freedom and humbleness and a realization of God's faithfulness. Seriously incredible. I wish everyone could see it, and I wish everyone who saw it could see it again. I can't wait to rent that movie in heaven. After a good cry and a call to my mother to tell her of what God had done, I went back in in time for John to dismiss the groups to go throw their rocks. They had the boys go first and the girls stay, which was genius, so I played guitar and B and I sang for the girls while they waited. And God was so obviously moving, it was incredible. The faces that I had seen trying to maintain their tough and hard image had melted. The girls who I thought would just tune God out forever were obviously touched by what was happening. They were all hugging each other, crying, singing along to the songs, praying with each other. Seriously incredible. Then they went and threw their rocks. Some girls from our cabin told Stacey that they had walked back and talked with a couple girls from some other cabins, and they all commented on how when they threw their rocks, their burdens, into the lake, they physically felt lighter. They felt a weight lift. I just stood amazed in the presence of my God in the lives of those kids who my heart beats hardest for. Out of all 3 years, this was the most visible the movement of God has ever been with those kids. I wish I could describe how beautiful it was or how much that night will forever mean in my heart.
I know those kids went right back home to hard. But I just pray that their time at Covenant Hills will give them a reference point where they can say "God spoke to me. I know He's real." I've had my own reference points at Covenant Hills Camp. Family Camp 2005 was the summer where I could point back and say "I felt God there." CHC 2009 was the reference point where I said "God made an immediate difference of victory in my life." I just pray that they won't be able to forget that night when God showed up so big. That when it gets hard, they can look back and remember. It won't fix everything. Not even close. But I pray so hard that they can hold on tightly to that reference point. And I also pray that God will put someone or something in each and every one of their lives that will remind them what they learned and will continue to teach them to grow in God's truth. That they will learn that God is not only stronger at CHC, but wherever they go, whatever they face.
So that's Recco's week. Obviously a lenghty post. And I could go on forever. But like I said, that week is my heart. It's the reason I go back for 3 years. Not only because it is difficult and because I like a challenge, but because nothing can beat seeing what it looks like when a heart that's been starved of love and truth, is filled. It's not quite as apparent with some of the other weeks. But it is when I feel most in the middle of the heat of the biggest battle that Christ is raging for broken, lost hearts. And I love seeing Satan get defeated.
Family Camp
I know this will be like, 3 posts in one day, but it is what it is..
Family Camp
It was about what I predicted? Ehh... maybe worse. Maybe better. I really can't even tell. Family Camp is always hard for me because it used to be the week that I looked forward to more than any other week out of the year, but when you work for it, it is a lot harder and a lot less fun and fulfilling. I didn't realize how nervous leading worship for the teens would make me. But things went well for the most part, and Ben did a great job at night, and Wellspring did pretty well with their stuff too. They weren't too terribly social and didn't really put forth an effort to get to know our staff very much, which was kind of frustrating. They didn't really ever leave their cabins or their own tables for meals, but whatever. I hung out with them a little after services, and that was fun. I got to see my family quite a bit. I ate lunch and dinner with them every day, and that was really nice. Liv ate with us too, along with Kacie and JD, and it was pretty great. JD conned Olivia into calling him hott. That was funny. Gotta love family.
Waterfront was crazy. There were just so many people to watch in such a small area. I thought I was gonna have to do a rescue at one point, but then the two boys finally made it to a point where they could touch. It's just crazy. Long long days at the waterfront. Not to mention it was at least 90's, mostly upper 90's all week. So "everyone and their brother and their fat pastor" was at the waterfront. It was super hot out. But we survived. My two little favorites from the past two family camps where there. Chuckie and Justin. I wasn't in Day Camp with them, so to make up for lost time, whenever they saw me lifeguarding in the chair, they would just come and stand on both sides of me, and they would just talk and follow me from shift to shift. It was adorable. Chuckie is just such a riot too. He showed off his biceps to me once. We should have trained them as AO's. They were pretty much in the rotation with me. Even though lifeguarding in the afternoons were challenging, the hardest part was when I had to report something very sad to Kim. Broke my heart. Also opened my eyes to what social work is gonna be like...
I wasn't expecting to get to play in any of the sports tourney's this year, but I ended up being able to play in all three of them, which was awesome. It was an intentional accident that I got to play volleyball. Kim gave us time to practice for the worship team's afterglow, so we ended earlier than she had assigned, so I played volleyball. The staff team got second place overall, and it was fun. Rae and I had Thursday afternoon off, so we both ended up playing in the basketball tournament. We were the only girls in the entire tournament, but we certainly held our own. Roger's is a natural, of course, and I scored in every game except the championship. We placed second in that tournament as well. Not bad for the team with the girls on it. It was more fun than we both were expecting. And we played in the Gaga tournament, which we actually kind of got dominated in. We didn't make it out of the first part of the tournament, and the only game we won/didn't get last in was the game where I was the last one in. But Family Camp Gaga is barbaric. However, Kacie and JD's team, (complete with them and 3 other kids under the age of 12) ended up winning the entire thing. It was incredible. The band afterglow was a lot of fun too. I sweat like a banshee. Sweat may or may not have dripped down my buttcrack a few times. But it was amazing how our band came together this summer.
I also went blobbing for the first time ever. Lauren wanted to go, but got scared, so she said that if she jumped, then I had to. I reluctantly agreed. She jumped, and then roughly 30 seconds of fear and debate later, I just went for it. I was very proud of myself. I'm getting better at facing fears. Courtney blobbed me, and I was expecting to leave the blob, but I wasn't expecting to be shot back up to the blob tower. That is about as high as I went though, I hear. It was terrifying. But it was fun. I screamed like a sissy girl and everyone laughed at me, but I was proud of myself. After three years, I finally did it.
Lauren, Liv, Stace and I also took a very refreshing angry Taco Bell drive. DEBAUCHERY!!!! ORGY!!!! DRUGS!!!! That's all I gotta say about that. And Liv and I also made our annual Birch Run trip. My car ended up breaking down, so we kinda got stuck there for awhile, til Rachel, Lauren, and Stacey came and we went out to eat and saw Captain America. The movie was okay. Then we stopped by Walmart for a bit and came back. I wasn't expecting to be in Birch Run literally all day, but I was.
So that was Family Camp in a nutshell I suppose. A dash of extra free time plus a dash of family plus a dash of frustration, exhaustion, and a whole ton of people. Pretty typical I'd say... and now for Recco's...
Family Camp
It was about what I predicted? Ehh... maybe worse. Maybe better. I really can't even tell. Family Camp is always hard for me because it used to be the week that I looked forward to more than any other week out of the year, but when you work for it, it is a lot harder and a lot less fun and fulfilling. I didn't realize how nervous leading worship for the teens would make me. But things went well for the most part, and Ben did a great job at night, and Wellspring did pretty well with their stuff too. They weren't too terribly social and didn't really put forth an effort to get to know our staff very much, which was kind of frustrating. They didn't really ever leave their cabins or their own tables for meals, but whatever. I hung out with them a little after services, and that was fun. I got to see my family quite a bit. I ate lunch and dinner with them every day, and that was really nice. Liv ate with us too, along with Kacie and JD, and it was pretty great. JD conned Olivia into calling him hott. That was funny. Gotta love family.
Waterfront was crazy. There were just so many people to watch in such a small area. I thought I was gonna have to do a rescue at one point, but then the two boys finally made it to a point where they could touch. It's just crazy. Long long days at the waterfront. Not to mention it was at least 90's, mostly upper 90's all week. So "everyone and their brother and their fat pastor" was at the waterfront. It was super hot out. But we survived. My two little favorites from the past two family camps where there. Chuckie and Justin. I wasn't in Day Camp with them, so to make up for lost time, whenever they saw me lifeguarding in the chair, they would just come and stand on both sides of me, and they would just talk and follow me from shift to shift. It was adorable. Chuckie is just such a riot too. He showed off his biceps to me once. We should have trained them as AO's. They were pretty much in the rotation with me. Even though lifeguarding in the afternoons were challenging, the hardest part was when I had to report something very sad to Kim. Broke my heart. Also opened my eyes to what social work is gonna be like...
I wasn't expecting to get to play in any of the sports tourney's this year, but I ended up being able to play in all three of them, which was awesome. It was an intentional accident that I got to play volleyball. Kim gave us time to practice for the worship team's afterglow, so we ended earlier than she had assigned, so I played volleyball. The staff team got second place overall, and it was fun. Rae and I had Thursday afternoon off, so we both ended up playing in the basketball tournament. We were the only girls in the entire tournament, but we certainly held our own. Roger's is a natural, of course, and I scored in every game except the championship. We placed second in that tournament as well. Not bad for the team with the girls on it. It was more fun than we both were expecting. And we played in the Gaga tournament, which we actually kind of got dominated in. We didn't make it out of the first part of the tournament, and the only game we won/didn't get last in was the game where I was the last one in. But Family Camp Gaga is barbaric. However, Kacie and JD's team, (complete with them and 3 other kids under the age of 12) ended up winning the entire thing. It was incredible. The band afterglow was a lot of fun too. I sweat like a banshee. Sweat may or may not have dripped down my buttcrack a few times. But it was amazing how our band came together this summer.
I also went blobbing for the first time ever. Lauren wanted to go, but got scared, so she said that if she jumped, then I had to. I reluctantly agreed. She jumped, and then roughly 30 seconds of fear and debate later, I just went for it. I was very proud of myself. I'm getting better at facing fears. Courtney blobbed me, and I was expecting to leave the blob, but I wasn't expecting to be shot back up to the blob tower. That is about as high as I went though, I hear. It was terrifying. But it was fun. I screamed like a sissy girl and everyone laughed at me, but I was proud of myself. After three years, I finally did it.
Lauren, Liv, Stace and I also took a very refreshing angry Taco Bell drive. DEBAUCHERY!!!! ORGY!!!! DRUGS!!!! That's all I gotta say about that. And Liv and I also made our annual Birch Run trip. My car ended up breaking down, so we kinda got stuck there for awhile, til Rachel, Lauren, and Stacey came and we went out to eat and saw Captain America. The movie was okay. Then we stopped by Walmart for a bit and came back. I wasn't expecting to be in Birch Run literally all day, but I was.
So that was Family Camp in a nutshell I suppose. A dash of extra free time plus a dash of family plus a dash of frustration, exhaustion, and a whole ton of people. Pretty typical I'd say... and now for Recco's...
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