I'm Burned Out and Wasted, but All Darkness Has Some Light

I am ready to be done with school and just about everything that goes with it. And I am trying so desperately hard not to check out, but it's getting really hard. At this point, a big part of me just wants to stay at home and finish out here. I am so sick of so much stuff.

School work is hard. And I'm sick of pulling an average of one all-nighter a week. But conflict is hard too. Especially unspoken conflict. And Kelsey has a really hard time figuring out what to say or do when something is bothering her. Some of my typical supports kinda fell through today, but I found other ones that I wasn't even aware I had.

I had a great talk with Lauren Schraa today. That girl gets me. And THANK GOD for her today. Every day really. But especially today. And then I had a good talk with Melanie Bigger. That was great. And then I had a good talk with Megan Wegener as well. And also, my Momma. I'm feeling like I have a bit of a better perspective and my chest feels a little lighter.

Sometimes, I get a little too pessimistic. Even after I talked to some of these people, I was thinking about how sometimes I wish I wasn't in a "Christian" environment, because when people let me down or treat me badly, I have a tendency to want to directly correlate it with God, or use it as a way to prove to myself that God can't actually change people. At least in a secular environment, when people treat us badly, we expect it a little more, or can't bring it back to God. But when you're in a place full of people who call themselves Christians, but they still don't know how to treat people, it makes me wonder if God really can change people and make us into anything that even resembles good. However, I am now realizing that while I did have some disappointments today, I couldn't get far without finding people that did care and who were willing to listen and encourage. And a couple of them were people that I never really would have pinpointed as the people that would be there for me. So to look on the bright side of things, whenever I am starting to truly wonder if I am alone and whether or not people care about me, God provides. It's too bad I don't realize it quicker.

That's my thoughts for the day. I need a couple days away from the Arbor. So this Child Welfare Conference will be good. Then maybe I'll be able to finish out a little stronger. I'd prefer to come out a little better than I came in.

You're Showing a Lot of Leg Today, Dear

Life carries on quicker than I can keep up with. Blogging no longer seems to have that therapeutic feel to it. I'm sure it'll come back again. Unfortunately, I'm too much of a detail-oriented writer, so I want to document everything that transpires, and these days, there's too many details and too much content and not enough time. So then I don't blog. And then the next time I go to blog, I feel like I have to catch everyone up on not only what happened that day, but also what's happened since the last time I decided not to blog, and then that takes too much time so I decide against it again. It's a vicious cycle, really. Downright as ferocious as the wolf on the hipster shirt that I almost bought the other day...

Today, I will break the cycle. Today I will blog. Tomorrow is Monday. We have the day off because of Easter Break. Easter Break was a mixed bag. I'm not sure how I feel about mixed bags. I guess I, predictably so, feel mixed about them. Mixed bags aren't all good, but they're not all bad. Mixed bags are better than bad bags, but they're not as good as good bags. It could have been better. But it could have been worse. I guess you just gotta be happy for the good, and brush off the not-so good and hope it won't last. This is what we will do.

Easter itself was good. We went to Kathy's, which was good. We watched basketball all day and I got some loving from Rosco. I wish I had some deeper contributions to offer, or some witty remarks. I didn't used to think that I had to be witty. And then some people started saying they liked my wittiness and now I just have all this pressure to be witty when I was unaware that I was witty in the first place. And forced wit is not wit at all. Once again, vicious cycle. I have no wit. No words. No tears.

Well, I'm off to watch a movie. I should do homework. But I don't feel like it. I'll work on some at the church office tomorrow. Sianara.

You oughta know better...

There's so much I could say right now. There's so much I want to say. But I'll refrain. It wouldn't do any good anyway. So back in the vault it goes...

I am burned out. I am ready for this year to be over. I am tired of doing homework. I'm tired of pulling an average of one all-nighter a week. I'm tired of looking at the next week in my planner and seeing that things aren't going to be any better. I just don't have a whole lot of motivation left. 17 credits is NEVER happening again. I feel like I've worked harder this semester than any other and I don't think my GPA is going to show that. I'm tired of other things too. Oh well, I guess you do the best you can and that's all you can ask for. Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks....

Then comes camp. I am so ready for camp. I'm so ready for a change of pace. I'm ready for a different kind of tired. Camp's version of tired is a little more rewarding. I'm so ready to work with Rae (fingers crossed) and Tammera for a summer too. I'm just ready. And I am READY for next year. A lot of things are gonna be a lot better. And it's the senior year. Freshman year's fine because everything is new and exciting. Sophomore year sucks because you're not close to done and nothing is new and exciting anymore. It's just blah. And junior year is close to the end, but not close enough that you can quite taste it yet, and it's just a lot of work. But next year, I'll be a senior, and our apartment is going to be freaking awesome. Really cool people. And a kitchen. I'm just ready for it now... PLEASE CAN I HAVE IT NOW?!?

God has blessed me this week though. I'm just in a less-than great mood right now. Looking into this week, I was expecting several all-nighters. None have happened and none will I don't believe. So that's been great. And I haven't had that heavy, overwhelmed feeling plaguing my chest. Things have been getting done faster and times to work on things have opened up. For the exception of tonight. I guess I've had time to do my Research Design homework. I just have NO DESIRE to. So I'm gonna go to bed "early," (sadly, 2:30 is early) and work on it probably during class tomorrow. Sweet.

Well I'm off...

Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks.... Less than 5 weeks....

Song of the Week: "Little Bombs" by Dashboard Confessional

You oughta know better than to bite who feeds ya...

It's Been Ages

It has been SO long since I have blogged! My goodness! Slacking to the nth power. I don't even know what I am saying. But seriously. I haven't blogged since Spring Break. Holy gee whiz! That was almost 3 whole weeks ago. Last time I wrote, I was still 20. Part of it has been that I've been SO dang busy. But part of it is that I have been working on a big blog. So. Here it goes... catch up time...

I ushered in my 21st birthday with a birthday party with my niece and nephew, consisting of playing games in the shallow end with all the elementary kids while the high schoolers had a dumb-off. There were lots of high schoolers. And it was very hard to determine the winner of said contest because they were all so dumb. I don't remember being that dumb in high school. I'm actually pretty sure I wasn't. Anyways. Also went out for ice cream. Did some homework. Joined with my best friend, played some basketball, ate some tacos and cake, and played with the kids some more. Good times. And I am super cool and turned 21 on the weekend on Spring Break two days after St. Patrick's day and never drank a drop.

Week 1 return from Spring Break: busy, loaded with homework, mixed in with a fun trip out to eat with my girls. That was a lot of fun :) especially in all the plaid. Which led into week 2 which was

Week 2: humiliating. Lots of little things happened that week. Things just weren't going my way for a lot of reasons. Good feelings don't always lead to good things. Rejection. Hurt. And just plain bad luck. But despite all the little things that went wrong, God still had daily reminders of how blessed I am despite things not going the way I would have planned them. Week 2's weekend was one of the best in awhile. I was expecting it to be a productive/somewhat boring weekend since I was the only one from my room on campus, but I had a really fun time. Friday, I hung out with Lauren and Scooter and Amanda and it was a great time. Lime Lake, climbing trees with Scooter, playing telephone pictionary and laughing my brains out, and piling 8 people into a small 8 person car and going to Steak and Shake at 2 AM. It was grand. And Saturday *drum roll please* I GOT MY EARS PIERCED!!!!! I freaked out and caused a bit of a scene, mostly just everyone in the store knowing I was nervous and had taken 2 tylenol prior to coming, but I GOT THEM DONE! I was so proud of myself, haha, and it literally did not hurt at all. It stung a little afterwards, but the initial piercing process, which is what I was most worried about, didn't hurt a bit. :) I like it too.

Week 3: so far, pretty busy. Monday and Tuesday were a touch disheartening and I realized that I am burned out with 6 fully packed weeks left, so that sucks. But then the Norwood's had a baby which took two professors out as well as two classes :) I really wanted to post something as my status, but I'm friends with my professor, so I figured it might look bad if I was like "A baby was born that killed two birds with one stone," or something along those lines.

Tonight, I took a pretty serious nap (for the second night in a row) and am now getting ready to go to bed. But there is my update!

I'll continue the picture challenge later. I'm going to bed now. Peace and blessings.