Grace Breaks Through

For some reason, around this time, I always look at the clock, and think, why the heck aren't I in bed?!? So then I decide to blog about it. Wise decision, I know.

For some crazy reason, God decided to make it so that you cannot avoid your problems. Can you try, certainly, but avoiding things to see if they get better while you're not present never works. You always have to come back to it, and generally, it's not any better when you do. However, I feel pretty persistent and will probably continue to try. I believe the definition of idiocy is doing the same action over and over again, and expecting different results. I'M AN IDIOT!!! YAY!!!!

However, it's also nearly impossible to leave a song unfinished, and finally, today, I have sweat out a third verse to "Hallelujah." That means I have the second and third verse done. Still need a first. The first verse is supposed to be happy and light though, two things that are rare occurrences for me lately. Well at least they come too small of doses for me to be able to write a song about. So we'll have to keep waiting til God puts me in a place where I can write that verse, and until then, Hallelujah will be unfinished. I think I'll post what I have so far though.

Verse 2:
My heart's in a million places in a million pieces
From seeing the dark and the hate and the pain
That never ceases, no it never ceases
It's easy to see the good and believe that you are too
But believing in the dark is harder than I ever knew
I never knew
The hating, the killing, the void that's not filling
It's getting hard to breathe
I'm broken, I'm weeping, I'm washing Your feet
Oh Lord, with this heavy heart I bring

Chorus 2:
My hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
My broken hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Verse 3:
Depravity's deep in my skin, in my bones
And my soul is just aching, can you hear its groans?
The whole earth groans
But just as we're accepting that there's nothing more than night
Grace steps in and shines redemptive light
Thank God, there's light
The darkest of darkness, the hardest of hearts
Your grace breaks through

(I need one more line for that verse... then)

Chorus 3:
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah
My redemptive* hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

*subject to change
(During that whole part there's also
There is redemption
There is redemption
There is redemption


Still workin on it....

So I really should be reading. Stupid Modern Social Problems. Bleh. I forgot how demanding dumb gen eds can be. Today was a day. Nothing special, but not awful. I think the highlight of my day was probably having dinner with Madee. It's been nice just setting aside some quality Madee-Kelsey time every week, and actually talking about what's going on in our lives. Even though we lived together last year, I don't think we did that kind of thing often enough. Low point.... hmm... I guess nothing really sticks out. Right now I'm in one of those philosophically deep thinking moods, which is NOT a good place for me to be at this time of night. I really want to listen to music, but I'm supposed to be reading, which are two things I can't really do at the same time. I have a lot of reading homework this semester, which I don't like because then I can't listen to music while I do my homework.

If Bri sees this she might get mad because it doesn't have a title. But I don't like trying to come up with a title for every day of my life. Some days are just titleless. Sighhhhhh.

I feel like some things are changing that I really don't want to change. But I don't know how to stop it. I'm just not sure where I fit yet this year. And I feel like things would be a lot more settled in my soul if I felt more settled here at Spring Arbor. I just feel kind of on the outside, on the perimeter. I guess we'll see where God takes this.

This weekend, I'm going home and I am freakin PUMPED because we're celebrating my Dad's birthday, and I get to go to my first Tiger's game, and I get to go to my niece and nephew's football game. Plus just being home is gonna be sweet. Like for real. So pumped.

Well I guess I will just go to bed at this point, and screw the reading til before class tomorrow. Because I want to go to bed. So I'm gonna.

Jehovah Jireh

So today was quite odd, honestly. We had Arbor Games, so the schedule was all messed up. I did my school spirited duty and wore a chipmunk costume and ran around, which was actually quite a lot of fun. Our skit didn't get very high marks, but I'm not taking it too personally, first of all because it's Arbor Games, and second of all because some of the better skits didn't get high ratings, and some of the skits that I thought were dumbest got some of the higher ratings. For all I know they were chosen at random. My school is so ridiculous sometimes. And as much as I try to play if off like I think it's weird, I secretly love it.

I spent about an hour with Jess Clarke today, which was pretty awesome. She's a K-House resident now so I hardly ever see her around. We lost our volleyball game, which was frustrating, but I played really well tonight. It was one of those strange nights where I would just impulsively do random things and they ended up working out really really well and made me look much more talented than I probably actually am.

After that was Deeper. Deeper itself was refreshing and awesome, but for some reason, afterwards, I just felt really lonely. I sat on a bench outside of financial aid office, and just sat there and wrestled with God, asking Him to send me something to help me understand that I was not alone. And He provided. In some slightly strange ways. In that moment, I became aware of a single cricket chirping. I can't explain it, but me and that cricket were connected and he helped me not to feel so lonely. The cricket was there with me, and God was too. It makes me sound crazy that my only companion is a cricket, and I can't really explain it, but it helped. And then God provided me a really meaningful evening with Britany. I've always known Britany was pretty awesome, but we've never had one-on-one time like that, and it was such a huge blessing. So at least for now, as I type this and go to bed, I am assured that I am not alone. And that is what I will hold onto for tonight. Gnite.

Eating out of the palm of my hand

Well, the MySAU Portal is currently failing me, so I figured that in hopes of giving it a couple minutes to figure itself out, I might as well blog. It is 3:21. A fun time, but not to be conscious. It's rather ironic because I feel as though I have been kicking these government assignment's butts (maybe because my prof wanted to use one of them as a model, and gave me a 6 out of 5 on another) but perhaps in reality, it is kicking my butt, seeing as this is the second time this week I have been up at least 2 hours past my ideal bedtime. And it's Tuesday. Oy.

Normally I feel like I don't have too much to update on. Right now I feel as though I could type forever, but I think I'd rather type forever somewhere where no one could see. When they say life can be a rollercoaster, they aren't kidding. Hmm. This year (as in school year thus far) has been.... interesting...? That can't be the right word to describe it. It's too bland. But I've spent the last 3 hours mulling over which word was the right word for my government paper. So for now, interesting it is. Perhaps everywhere would be more sufficient? Though I can think of many places that it hasn't been. I don't know. I'm not making sense anymore. Time to go and check the portal, and if it's not working, TO BED I GO!!!!

With a broken heart that's still beating...

This song is resonating pretty well right now.

Freedom to Feel by John Reuben

Step away
Keep your distance
I can't be what you want me to be
But right now there are things inside I don't want you to see
So take your personal spotlight
Shine it on someone else for a while
I can't force a happy face or makeshift you a smile
I can't deny what I see, what I feel or what's in front of me
So take your world of precious moments of make-believe
They never made me believe in anything
But left me with nothing to hold on to
Your quick fix and magic tricks can only disguise what I was going through
And now I'm thinkin' it was when it wasn't
And now I'm tryin' to rationalize what just doesn't
Come together and somehow doesn't make sense
But God, how can I convince them when I'm not even convinced?

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone's sayin' it, but nobody's feeling it
Everyone's feeling it, but nobody's seein' it
So how am I supposed to know what's real?

False sense of happiness
Is my security is wrapped up in this
These control freaks seek out who they can brainwash and make activists
They'd rather have me lie than bring my failure to the light
Keep your secrets to yourself
It's not about you but them lookin' right
No time to be ugly
Don't trouble them with your doubt and fears
Shout for joy little boys and girls
You brokenness ain't welcome here
Well excuse me while I bleed through and my life becomes see-through
Don't ask for transparency but reject what you seein' too

Everyone is thinkin' it, but nobody's sayin' it
Everyone is sayin' it, but nobody's feelin' it
Everyone is feelin' it, but nobody is seein' it
So tell me, how am I supposed to know what's real?

Everyone is thinkin' it
Everyone is feelin' it
But nobody is seeing it
And how
Am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?

So please
Can somebody tell me how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me now, how am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
Jesus, please tell me
How are they gonna know you're real
When we're told and controlled how to feel
Jesus, tell me please
How they gonna know you're real
When they're controlled and told how to feel?
You tell me
How am I supposed to know what's real
When I was told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please, God
How are they gonna know that you're real
When they're told and controlled how to feel?
You tell me please
How am I supposed to know what's real?
How are they supposed to know what's real?
How are they supposed to know what's real?
How are you and I supposed to know?

Freedom to feel

How am I supposed to feel?
How am I supposed to know what's real?