I Promise...

That I will update more later. But for now, I am going to encourage you to check out another blog that a friend and I are writing to track our progress as we train to run a half marathon in August :)

inthelongrun2012.blogspot.com

Check it out and follow it if you so desire :)

The Best is Yet to Come

Well, I think it might be safe to say that this has been the worst winter break I have ever had. It could have been worse probably, but it sure wasn't good. Lots of bad news, lots of crying, lots of adjusting. And now, the stomach flu. YAY!!! But, hey, it happens I guess. It's a fitting end to this year, really. And now, this year is almost over. I just feel bad for my mother. Having to take care of my dad, having to take care of me, and even having to catch me to keep me from cracking my head open when I passed out. Basically, my mom is a saint and a boss. Go mom : )

I don't have much strength or energy to do my typical countdown from my year, but we're going to try anyway.

January:
-Started out the year hearing about the "officialness" of my two dear friends, Marissa and Wesley's relationship and danced around my house.
-Took CORE300 for J Term with Brit and Bean. It was lots of hard work, but I really did enjoy the class and think it's probably one of the most beneficial classes I've taken at this school.
-B and I found many great ways to get our homework done :)
-My Rogers left after two of the most intense hockey games I have ever played in. But I kinda played like a boss.

February:
-Basically have no recollection of February. uhh....
-Oh. Went to that kids conference at Lael with Liv, Wes, CB, and Ris. Got called "The Dum" and did my first somersault
-Liked a boy, which didn't work out so well
-Got hooked on the Bachelor (cower in shame)
-Started the worst social work class I've ever taken. Ewwww Practice with Individuals and Families

March:
-Sucky March Madness. Aside from Emily, I had the worst bracket in our bracket pool. After I studied for it. Gr..
-Spring Break started, and it started with a very enjoyable girls day with Liv, Stace, and Ris
-Turned 21 :) halfway to 42, lol. And had a bday party with Liv, Kacie, and JD
-Played one game of intramural basketball, where Jessica Clarke, shot a three pointer on me and sent it into overtime to win it, despite the fact that I have never seen her make a 3 pointer in her life.
-Had a really great bday party at Olive Garden with my besties from Delta 2
-Got my ears pierced. What? Yeah, that's right.

April:
-Discovered the carmel macchiato, my new fav, even though I still don't really know how to spell that
-Went and took pics with Bowman and B at the park
-Was probably one of the hardest academic months of my life, and difficult for other reasons too
-Barrack Obama released his birth certificate..... lol

May:
-Livia's Grandmother passed away for reasons I will never understand. She was a saint
-Worst exam week ever. Two straight all nighters. Came home and fell asleep for a lot of hours straight and woke up with my body wondering whether or not I was in a coma.
-Finished my hardest academic year ever. Mastered the art of the all-nighter. Also finished the 17-credit semester from hell
-Was voted intramural player of the year :)
-Had the scariest doctors appointment of my life
-Got my iPhone :)
-Recorded my new cd at Dan's with Wes :)
-Gathered my CHC music equipment in hilarious conditions

June:
-Camp. Didn't get sick. Had an awesome staff.
-And a pretty awesome summer
-Met Otto, an incredible piece of my summer
-Went off the zipline. What? Yeah. That's right.
-Hid in a trashcan with a shark helmet
-Found out I didn't have cancer

July:
-Experienced the most incredible spiritual breakthrough of my life, still praying I will never recover from that day
-Went off the blob. What? Yeah. That's right. The blob. First time after my third year of being a lifeguard :) And Courtney launched me
-B assisted me for a week at camp. "So Kels.... you're camp.... kinda weird..."
-Actually had a relatively decent 4th of July
-Kacie and JD's team won the Gaga tournament, and I actually played in all of the tournaments this year :)
-Redid the boy's camp dance.

August:
-Did a circus act with Livia :)
-Had an awesome internship
-Worked with Eve's Angels
-Worked with and was astounded by Nepali/Burmese refugees
-Revamped a couple closets
-Olivia had surgery. It was entertaining
-Kathy found out about her biological parents

September:
-Started my senior year. Of college. Weird.
-Moved into an apartment. Weird.
-Started playing tennis
-Saw Lion King in 3D. With Megan DeVries. We both cried
-Dropped Hughey's glasses in the toilet before Rock Climbing class accidentally

October:
-Watched my tigers in the playoffs for the first time. And watched them beat the Yank's at Yankee stadium. So fun. Lost to the Rangers, but hey, it was still fun to watch :)
-Pretty tough, learning month
-Really bonded with my social work class
-Strengthened a friendship with a dear friend from high school
-Went to ONU to visit Stacey Lou with Liv and Ris and had a grand ole team, even with the slave labor that made my knuckles hurt and heard Livia whine "I want a donut," quite a lot.
-B's dog had puppies
-Finished Rock Climbing class like a boss
-Ran around campus in a Darth Vadar costume
-Was homeless for a day and briefly contemplated a lifestyle of crime
-Won my first ever intramural soccer championship

November:
-Got bangs
-Had my first ever, full band gig at SAU. And it went pretty well
-Won an intramural football championship. Super fun
-Visited my bro-in-laws work
-Bowman became Kozma. And I got a flower :)
-Had an interesting Thanksgiving break

December:
-Experienced the worst first 24 hours of winter I've ever had
-Discovered slutty brownies
-Watched the most heart-breaking Michigan State football game. Yes, I know it's pathetic that it's something that makes my year memories. But it does.
-Got my internship at Big Brothers Big Sisters in Jackson
-Attended Hanging of the Greens for the first time
-Made Grandma's rolls with my cousins
-Finished night classes in my undergrad career
-Started playing Sims. Oh dear.
-Had a crappy Christmas break, haha

Cool New People:
-Lauren, Scooter, Amanda, Rachel, Katie, David, Katy Black, Lizzi, Bri, Joanna, Nepali refugees, my cabin from Recco's week, probably more but I'm tired of racking my brain

And now.... for my top 10 facebook statuses :)

10. Sometimes, I sing "Eye of the Tiger" to myself while taking tests to give myself positive motivation.
9. Many an attractive male has been ruined by gross facial hair.
8. Talking about Guatemala:
Olivia: are you going to have Skype?
Kelsey: no, I'm not bringing my laptop.
Olivia: Well how am I supposed to communicate with you if I can't text you?
Kelsey: Email.
Olivia. Oh my gosh! That's like the 1990's!
7. on my way to Covenant Hills. That's where I wanna be :)
6. I guess I was voted Intramural Player of the Year! Yay! Haha.
5. Oh how cute. The couple next to me in class has one left-handed and one right-handed member, so they can hold hands and still take notes. BLEH!!!!
4. Never knew how much coordination it takes to sneeze while running on a treadmill.
3. Internship? Check :)
2. I am a real woman now. I have a crock pot, a George Foreman grill, a waffle maker, and an ottoman. Hear me roar.
1. had the most majestic awakening this morning. My alarm clock, which randomly chooses songs from iTunes to wake me up, chose "Circle of Life" from Lion King this morning. So I woke up to "NAAAAAAAAAAZABINYA!!!! Hababichi baba!!" I felt like a dignified, invincible, fearless lioness. Then I hit the snooze.


Well.... that's all folks!

Here's hoping that I have the strength to leave for Guatemala tomorrow night. And that 2012 is better than 2011. Lots of big things are around the corner.

Shoot, son

B's gonna kill me, or at least roll her eyes at me, But...

So yeah..... life..... kinda weird. 

Here is a day in my life:

This morning, my sister found out her dog has cancer and probably has 2 to 12 months to live. This afternoon, my mother found out her best friend had a heart attack. Tonight, I watched my favorite high school English teacher give my favorite Michigan State basketball player a high five in person at the Breslin Center. And then I came home and found out that a guy from my graduating class, who I was pretty sure was gay, is engaged to a girl from my graduating class, who I was almost positive was a lesbian.

You really just never know what is going to happen when you wake up every day.

Last we talked, which was a long dang time ago, life was feeling pretty open ended. I've figured a couple things out. Next semester, I will be interning at Big Brothers Big Sisters in Jackson. So that's cool. I have almost completed applications to MSU, UofM and EMU for grad school. And other than that, life is still open ended. The second half of the semester was better than the first for me though in most ways. Still learning something every day.

In 8 days, holy cow, 8 days, I leave for Guatemala. Sooo there's that...

Well I'm off to read Harry Potter, and then maybe watch a movie. Who knows.

Manna is a helluva drug

So this week was pretty crazy busy. But I survived. Enjoyed a couch and football/movie Saturday. It was what I needed. Had some good time with Bean. Had a good chat with Lauren today. Michigan State won, which was super exciting, but that's about all I have to say for my teams this weekend. Contemplating taking a nap right now cuz there's not much better to do.

Life is just kinda weird these days. I'm not entirely sure where I'm at. I'm feeling pretty ready to graduate, pretty ready to get out of here. I didn't foresee feeling that at all really. It's also weird because I don't know what next anything looks like. I don't know how next semester is going to be. I don't know what next summer is going to be. I don't know what next year is going to be. This is the most open-ended my life has ever been. It's freeing but paralyzing at the same time. I'm trying to find my place here again. I thought I would have known it by now but I don't. At the same time, I'm also getting ready to be displaced here. It's almost a little Limbo-ish feeling. Not really a fan? But still not miserable? I dunno. I just don't know.

Grow a pair! And chill out!

I don't know if this is like a Christian campus thing, or what, but I am SICK TO DEATH of the guys on this campus right now! Well maybe not sick to death but.... actually no. It's completely true. I am just so frustrated!

Let me lay out this scenario that has been repeated over and over again in my life recently:

I have an acquaintance who happens to be of the male gender. I see him in chapel. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him walking through the plaza. He waves and smiles and says hi. I see him in the student center. He waves and smiles and says hi. Perhaps we even share some small talk a time or two on common commutes between Point A and Point B. These are mutual waves, smiles, greetings, and small talks, meaning they are not just driven and instigated and initiated by me. So I think, "This guy seems nice, and we say hi all the time. We should probably be friends past waving, smiling, and greeting." So I drop a little facebook wall post, or perhaps even a text of "Hey, we should hang out sometime." ........silence.......... and the waves, smiles, and greetings continue, but no friendship past acquaintance ever forms.

For the love of St. Patrick, I just want guy friends. I've never really had many guy friends, and I would like a little more balance of testosterone and estrogen in my life. I don't want to jump into a marriage. I don't want a ring by spring. I don't want to jump into a serious relationship. I don't even want to jump into a non-serious dating relationship! I just want guy friends! Friends. FRIENDSHIP!!!! But when I say "let's hang out," they hear "I already have the wedding planned and an order in for business cards with my first name and your last name on them. Our children will be beautiful, hope you don't mind I named them all already. Don't worry, one is named after your father whose name I found by creeping on your facebook wall." And then they don't respond!!!!! I thought guys got frustrated because girls always have hidden messages in what they say and get mad when guys don't read into them. This has no hidden message. I want to hang out. Pure. Simple. Innocent. Genuine. Hanging out. What in the blazes am I supposed to do? What, am I supposed to write on a guys' facebook wall and say "Hey, acquaintance. Let's hang out sometime. Oh and just to clarify right off the bat, I'm not interested in dating you." If so, that is ridiculous. First of all, because lots of the guys I want to hang out with and get to know, I would not completely rule out dating them perhaps somewhere in the distant future if the friendship was strong and the time was right. Because, crazy I know, I want to be friends with quality, nice guys. Quality, nice guys, also compose potential dating material IN THE DISTANT FUTURE!!!! Even in light of that super hypothetical situation, when I want to hang out with a guy, it's not because I'm already planning on how we're going to end up together. I just want to get to know new people because I like getting to know new people. I want some guy friends who aren't my girl friends' guy friends or my girl friends' boyfriends, but just my very own guy friends. But because my motives are questioned, I don't even get that chance. The men on this campus need to buck up and chill out!

I am so tired of getting blown off and ignored. I'm tired of not even being given a chance. I mean, I know I'm not God's gift to hottness, but it's not like I'm the poster child for bag ladies either. There's no reason for a guy to run away with his tail between his legs when I pursue a friendship with them, even if they believe there is some small chance I may be interested in them. I just want a chance. And I don't know what I'm doing wrong : (

Well that's enough whining about men for now. But for real. Any enlightenment at all... let me know.

It's blog time

So... haven't blogged in almost a month. Nbd. How has my battle gone since that last blog? Ehhhh....... Not great. Could be worse. Could definitely be better. Satan's still a' been attacking, and God's still a' been a' teachin.' And I've still a' been throwing tantrums and "I don't get it's," (I do not know how to properly punctuate that there chunk of sentence) and trying to figure my way through the ebbs so I'm better at going with the flow. But a weekend home with a little Livia time and a little sisters and niece and nephew time, and some good Momma time was just what the docta ordered.

I'm not sure why I'm talking (typing?) so weird. I just watched this funny dude named Brad do drum covers and he made me a little spicy sassy weird. I don't really know what that means. But I will totally take spicy sassy weird right now. (youtube AdventureDrums if you're curious. I freakin want ninja turtle drums).

This last week... was a week. But all is good. Perspective is rearranging. Working some things out in my strong-headed noggin. It's all. Gonna be. Okay. This. Right here. Is my. Swag. (Seriously. About that spicy sassy weird thing....) But yeah. Gonna step up my game. Gonna cope like I always do. I got this. I GOT THIS!!!

Last night I went to a wedding. It was interesting. I guess I didn't really go to a wedding. It was an "intimate ceremony" so not many were invited. I think they got married naked or something. But we were invited and went to the reception, and it was alright. A little awkward? But whatever. Then Liv and I came back to Lansing and watched The Office and made it through roughly 4 minutes of Up. This morning, Liv went home and I went to my niece and nephew's last flag football game with my parents and sisters. They won. We went to my sister's house for a bit and watched some football and I played a little street hockey with the neighborhood kids. They told me that I looked more like an 18-year-old than a 21-year-old. Figures. Then I came home and the Big 10 played with my heart. Both Northwestern and Ohio looked good and I was hoping for some recently inflated UofM egos to be readjusted, and for the Huskers to get a nice 0-2 welcome to the Big 10, but alas, no luck. Comebacks are overrated, unless they're for my teams, like the Lions for instance. Then they're awesome. And now the Tigers are playing with my heart like the rain is playing with Arlington. But that's how it goes. I did not realize until this year how stinking intense baseball is! Gah! Talk about high blood pressure!

This game, that Oliver so kindly informed me was back on like my oxymoronic "smart" phone was SUPPOSED to do, is messing with my plans a little too. I was gonna watch a movie, listen to a riverview sermon, and call it a day. But now I gotta watch this game! Ay ya... I'm not feeling hopeful. But I will watch anyway. And that's enough for this blog. 

BYEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (said like 4:23 in this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q75qsb_JQgA&feature=channel_video_title)

Be gone from me, Satan!

Jesus, you know these demons that I bear. You see how they snarl at every turn I make. And you see how I cringe and bury and hide. Oh how I want them gone! I want that lying voice in the back of my head that shrilly whispers "They don't want you," or "It won't take much for them to forget you," or "They wouldn't even notice or be affected if you weren't here," "You think people like you, but they don't," or "You're gonna end up alone," to be gone. I want it out. I want it silenced. I want it dead. I want those voices that say "Kelsey, you are so stupid for feeling this way," and "Kelsey, you pathetic loser, this is why people leave you, no one else gets hurt by this kind of stuff, only you" and "You just can't be who you want to be at all, can you?" gone too. You demons! Go to hell! Torment me and weaken me and follow me no longer! I am sick of you. I am sick of the ache and the anxiety that you have relentlessly weighted on my chest.

They have followed me for years, but I have not recognized them as the demons that they are until this past year really. It makes sense that I would have a fear of people leaving me, forgetting me, or finding better than me, and a fear in feeling any security that someone is truly interested in my friendship continuing throughout a lifetime. Many experiences have taught me to fear these things. And past occurrences, particularly past painful experiences, become a part of your fears that want to haunt all present and future happenings. But I desire to digest these fears that my enemy has fed me no longer. They are lies, and I serve and have been saved by the God of truth.

Things are changing. I have been told that I do not handle change well. That is also a lie. I handle change healthily like every person should: with struggling adjustment. But I have realized tonight that I want things to return back to something they will never return to. It's a hard reality. But it is better that I should realize reality rather than fight for something that will never happen. Things look different than they did last year. Relationships have developed from where they were last year. And this next year marks my final turn of pages in the chapter of Spring Arbor University in my life. One year from now, I will not be in a dorm building (apartment building, whatever) with people. I will either be in my sister's basement, in my house, in Grand Rapids with Liv and Marissa, or somewhere that I have not even been able to imagine as a possibility yet. In all of these options, the number of people within my immediate reach is drastically reduced. And that scares me. And many of my friends have found or are finding someone who they can spend time with who will safeguard them from being alone. This also scares me, partially because I am unsure that I have one myself, and also simply because in my mind, that automatically means that my friends have someone they can replace me with and will no longer need me or notice any kind of absence when I'm gone. But I'll still need them. I miss people deeply. I have visions of me sitting in a basement, missing people to death who don't even remember that I'm gone anymore. After all, people have moved on from me quickly in the past right? What will keep them from doing it again? And even further down the road, I am very afraid of being absolutely alone because I anticipate surviving my immediate family by many more years than most others.

So these are the demons I face. And they have plagued me since I was a young 4th grader who saw that the only time her family fought was the same time that someone who meant a lot to her left forever. They've plagued me since I was the 16-year-old girl who cried herself to sleep on the couch for a few weeks because a 16-year-old boy lied and said there wasn't anyone else. They've plagued me when these circumstances have repeated themselves. And they've been plaguing me in every situation that has an opportunity to have the same results. School. Camp. Family. Closest friends. Anywhere. They cause me to go in a shell that's not easy to get out of. A shell that requires knocking and prodding. A shell that pushes others who could hurt me away. A shell that makes me someone I don't want to be. A shell that I do not want to wear anymore.

Enough is enough. Yes, I've been hurt. But I have not been created to hold onto the chains of  scars that my enemy gives me to carry with me everywhere I go. It is for freedom that I have been saved. I am not unwanted. I am not unloved. I am not garbage that deserves to be left behind. I am not a photograph that will be discarded and then turn up in an old attic someday. These things are true. I am not unforgettable. This is also true. Most people at Spring Arbor will probably forget me at some point. I'd like to hold onto as many as I can for as long as I can. Truly, I would, and I will if they let me and also hold on too. But people adjust, as they should. And they will adjust to life without me. This does not mean that I am incapable of having lasting significance. That is probably the biggest lie I battle.

I can read too far into things because of my demons. I am also more sensitive to shifts that really are happening because of my demons. But the fact of the matter is is that God has plans for me. Big plans. Significant plans.  Plans to prosper. My definition of prosperous is different from His. But regardless, His plans are to mold me into the best person that I can be for His glory and to give me the best life I can in light of His mercy. But I can't do that if I am constantly wondering if people really love me like they say they do. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are going to leave me. I can't do that if I'm constantly telling myself that people are figuring out how to move on from me. I can't do that if I am constantly expecting to end up alone and forgotten as some dog lady. God has plans for me. God will provide my daily bread for me, whether it's physical bread, or the physical presence of a friend. God will be there with me. I will not be alone.

This is step one of the dismantling of my demons I suppose. Honesty. This is where I'm at guys. I'm struggling with feeling significant in a lot of people's lives right now. And I usually am. Those voices are constantly going on in my head. I hear things you may not directly say or even mean at all. But today I am acknowledging that they exist, that they do not indicate that I am emotionally or mentally ill, and that they are beatable. And I'm also acknowledging that I need help. So here it goes. Project "Send Kelsey's 'Fear of Loneliness' Demons Back to Hell" is commenced. To hell, with you, you demons. I am loved and I am victorious. And some day, I will not fear that every person I love is going to find a way to leave me.

(To clarify, in this entire post, I did not refer to my demons in the context that I think I am demon possessed. I am not nor do I think I am. But I have a prowling and scheming enemy who has been trapping me for too long. And it's time I face him head on. It's time I dive deep into what makes me feel the way that I do and figure out how to rewire my brain and renew my mind so I no longer jump to those feelings. It's gonna hurt and be hard. So please be praying.)